2002 Pretenders / Contenders

Pretenders:

Well if its snowing out in April then it must be opening day. Yes its
that time of year once again. A time when young men's minds turn to cheap
beer, obscure minor leaguers, and of course, strippers. Its time for the
8th season of CARP.

From the league's humble beginnings inside my apartment in Arlington
Virgina in the Spring of 95' to our current state of affairs, my home in
Philly, not a whole lot has changed. Owners have come and gone; Brooks, Ken
Curtis (CARP apparently ruined his marriage), some Indian kid who Wolfe knew
that blew off the draft; and some teams have changed names and locations;
the Waverly Warthogs, Al's Tail, Mexico City Matadors, and who could forget
the Roslyn Shadowcasters.

Yet through it all there remained the constants; strippers (for the
most part), Ian booting on Sat or Sun morning (or both) and the Contenders
and Pretenders.

Thus without further aideu, I present to my fellow owners the Pretenders
2002. As a side note, despite The Man's uncanny accuracy, last year's pick
The Steers went on to capture the cup, I must remind all that these picks
are purely for recreational purposes, please no wagering. Warning: this
year's theme is Hollywood.

7TH PLACE:THE TEXAS STEERS

If the Steers were a movie they would be: Panic Room
Seriously, has you ever seen the downfall of a franchise ever happen this
quickly? I mean the 2002 Steers make Enron look like a well oiled Fortune
500 company.

KEYS TO SUCCESS: The fact that we now have 5 supplemental drafts instead of
3? I kid because I love. Yeah, the Steers are 2001 Champs, now what. Well
the MI is a place to start. Tejada/Durham/McLemore is among the best in the
league. Tejada just keeps getting better, although the loss of Giambi/Damon
in that lineup will hurt. Still this year only ARod will have better power
numbers. Durham is poised to have one of those contract walk years, look
for career highs in every category. McLemore will quitely have another very
good year with 30 stealth steals. Hold that trophy high boys.

KEYS TO DISTRESS:Does Mr. Wolfe wake at night in sweat soaked sheets
screaming "SPIEZIO, I HAVE SCOTT SPIEZIO AT FIRST BASE"? No really I want
to know. Did Wolfe follow the Wayne Huizenga blueprint? I mean when he
released Palmeiro and Konerko did he really plan on replacing them with
Speizio and Palmer? In a way the CI is a microcosim of the Steers--first to
worst. But wait there's more. The OF features an injured volcano(Everett)
and the wrong Giambi. Fordyce lost his job in spring training (the bad
news) but found out that he didn't have cancer,yea!(the good news). When
the best thing about your players is that they don't have life-threatening
diseases you might want to get out that rebuilding plan.

PLAYERS TO WATCH: Durham is too easy a choice so I'm going with Hudson. If
it weren't for his April's the past two seasons he might already have a Cy
Young. He puts is all together this year..20+ wins with a 3.00era and
200+k's.

GRAB A BEER WHEN: Abbott takes this mound. Let the record reflect that I am
writing this on April 8th. Abbott sucks, period. His 17 wins were a
disgrace last year. The Mariners scored 9 runs a game for him. Stephen
Hawking could win 10 games with that run support.

DRAFT GRADE: D
Here is the real problem. Wolfe drunk with power from his 2001 campaigne
and secure with the knowledge that his legacy will be immortalized on the
trophy simply mails his draft in. Sele for $20, um is that what he was
before you released him? Palmer, Daubach, Tucker, Park for $39. Do I
really need to go on? It's like playing three card monty with a retard.
Seriously, if the Steers don't get Edgar for $1 their draft is an F.

6TH PLACE:THE BERWICK WARTHOGS

If the Hogs were a movie they ould be: Big Trouble
As in "If Dye misses the season, the Hogs are in..."

KEYS TO SUCCESS: It looks like GM Haskell has solved the C problem. I don't
think that Hall puts up ROY numbers this year, but soon. He and Melusky can
combine for 30 hrs easy, not too shabby in a weak field. Plus he's cheap.
The OF is interesting, and perhaps I don't give it enough credit ranking the
Hogs this low. If Dye can come back healthy then along with Erstad and
Lofton he makes this a respectable bunch. If Jones finally comes through
(he was The Man's player to watch from last year, thanks Jacques) and Knobby
steals 30, this OF could be top 3 in the league. But that's a lot of "IF's"
to be ranked any higher.

KEYS TO DISTRESS:Pitching depth. And I mean depth. I know Mussina,
Pettitte, Milton is a formidable trio, but when you look around CARP almost
every team has a solid 1-2-3. What separates contenders from pretenders is
depth, who do you have at 5-6-7 in your rotation. Or as Mr Haskell would
say "I have Pinerio, Wright, and Garland". Now smile when you say that.
Two of those guys have tickets to the bullpen and I'm betting that Garland's
is one-way. By the way the CI looks pretty good...in 2004.

PLAYER TO WATCH: Sweeney Todd. I mean is there a more underappreciated 1B
in CARP? All this guy does is put up incredible numbers on a very crappy
team. Even so he just signed a new contract and even if he batted cleanup
for that lame team that Keaneu Reeves coaches in Hardball he'd still get
100rbi. Of course this assumes the opposition doesn't walk him 150 times to
get to Joe Randa.

GRAB A BEER WHEN: Easley lumbers to the plate. Has a player ever lived so
long on one good season? I know that he's only $1 but don't the Hogs have
any stat books with numbers after 1998?

DRAFT GRADE: B+
Although he paid a premium, Mussina was the prize of the draft. Even so the
Hogs managed to pick up Pettite at a fair price and Guarardo for a buck. He
saved money in the MI and that will cost him. I think Kenndey will bounce
back but Perez? Thank God he also picked up Berroa. Speaking of prospects
the Hogs had their best draft of talent in years. While I think several
players were taken too early, Jimmy Gobble still has a paper route, Mauer,
Cuddyer, Hudson and Stephens could all produce in the not so distant future
and finally raise the Hogs into contender status.

5th PLACE: The Beltway Buckos

If the Buckos were a movie they would be: A Beautiful Mind
You know, one of those "feel good" movies that get all that Oscar buzz but
when you look close you find out that the movie is only "based" on a true
story and that the Russell Crowe character was actually an anti-semetic pill
popping whore monger.

KEYS TO SUCCESS: Pitching (pedro), pitching (pedro), and pitching. Did
anybody hear about Pedro's shoulder. Will the real Dominican please stand
up? Even Pedro at 75% is better than most at 100%. But ignore Pedro if you
can. The strength of the staff is the depth. Sabathia, Johnson, and
Washburn are legitimate #1's. They are not sexy, but they get the job done.
Plus Baez and Towers ave been through a season before and that experience
will translate to 28 wins between the two. Even if some of the youngsters
falter (see Prokopec outing tonight) the Buckos can always trot out Erikson,
atleast until his surgically repaired elbow snaps like a cheap rubber band
some time in August. The bullpen should also produce 65 saves without
breaking a sweat, or in Escobar's case, without feeling a pulse.

KEYS TO DISTRESS: What's the difference between the Bucko's OF and a $2
whore? After she fucks you, the whore says thank you. Really, Bernie can't
hit 100hrs. I was in the supermarket yesterday and Jose Macias's photo was
on the back of a milk carton. Somebody needs to drug test Justice right
now, I'm serious. What the hell is he doing? Freebasing viagra and coke,
those numbers can't last. But wait there's hope, the bench has Vaughn,
Rowand and Singleton (INSERT OWN JOKE HERE). Where is the power? I like
Catalonotto because he qualifies at 2B, not because he qualifies at OF.

PLAYER TO WATCH: NoooooMaaaaHaaaRRRRRRR. That fucker. And not because I
traded him. He's over the wrist injury and back with a vengence. You just
know that if I'd kept him he would have needed surgery by now. Put 30hr in
the book, easy.

GRAB A BEER WHEN: Batista digs in. If the Orioles didn't have such a
retarded farm system this guy would be flipping burgers right now. That
stance? Give me a break. Released at the end of the year and the O's sign
free agent Rolen to play third---write this down.

DRAFT GRADE: Gentleman's B
This is usually an area in which the Buckos excell. Not so this year but
not bad. Pedro(at the time), Palmeiro, and Bernie were all great picks but
not exactly the bargin bin ($130!). Baez @$17? I like Kapler, good fill in
when Everett goes crazy and kills Rocker in front of his teammates.
Prospects--well that Drew Henson sure can throw a football. Infante? What
was Gary DiSarcina already taken? I guess I can admit that Roberts sucks
now that he's not on my team anymore. Not really up to Bucko standards.

STAY TUNED FOR THE CONTENDERS 2002.

Contenders:

Last Saturday afternoon as I sat in the Fenway bleachers under a beautiful cloudless sky, sipping an ice cold beer, an ugly reality slowly seeped into my brain. The scoreboard on the green monster had zeros across the board for the lowly Devil Rays. Derek Lowe, the pitcher for my beloved Red Sox and the cursed Creepers had pitched a no-hitter for 8 2/3 innings. Lowe was one out away from the first no-hitter in Fenway since 1965. I was about to witness history. Not only was I about to witness a no-hitter, a rare feat, it was by a Red Sox in Fenway, something that no baseball fan of my generation had ever witnessed, let alone in person. Then I heard it, over the PA came the words, "Now batting, right fielder Jason Tyner, right field, Tyner."

That is fantasy baseball in a nutshell. I had just activiated Tyner for the week for an injured Ortiz. The Sox were smoking the Rays 10-0 and Lowe had a no-hitter. But in the back of my mind there was a part, a very small part really, but a part that was hoping that Tyner would put one in the screen. Of course he didn't, Tyner grounded to second and the game was history. God-damn Creepers. It also made me realize that May was fast approaching and I had not completed the Contenders for 02. Thus I present the final four for the 8th season of CARP.

4th Place: The Chelsea Pirates

Keys to Success: Pitching and pitching. Up and down the rotation the Pirates have proven to be a strong blend of proven producers and surprise (or is that fluke) successes. We all knew about Colon and Zito but Suppan and Appier? Even Baldwin and George has shown that decent numbers don't have to cost you much. Plus, is there another team in CARP that gets as much bang for their buck from the pen. Julio looks like the second coming of Benitez, and as long as Yan doen't get traded to a contender as a set up man he will continue to get saves in the rare situation when the Rays have a late inning lead.

Keys to distress: Well the infield is pretty much a disaster area. Blalock will be fine, in 2003, and Thome always heats up with the weather, but the rest is roadkill. Pudge and Young have already gone down with serious injuries. Abernathy and Bush couldn't make the team from "Major League" the movie, let alone a real major league team. Moreover, there is no bench. GM Hirsch deserves credit for dragging the Pirates out of the second division but when his team has a chance to make some noise and he spends his only supp. pick on Joe Torres it makes you wonder if there is a method to the madness or is he just throwing darts at the board?
Player to watch: Hunter. I know that this is a pussy pick since he is already tied for the league lead in HR's, but this pick says he keeps up the pace. He always put up monster numbers in the minors. How bout' 30-30 this year?

Grab a beer when: Salmon pinch hits. There is done, well-done, burnt to a crisp, and then there's Salmon.

Draft Grade: A-
Granted the Pirates draft looked a lot better three weeks ago with their injuries but hindsight is 20-20, unless you're Ian, in which case its more like 25-20. Anyway, the A- comes as much from the small ticket as the big ticket items. Colon for $41 and The Big Skirt for $15 were bargins at the 2002 draft, with inflation run amuk. Julio might end up being the bargin of the draft when we look back from the poolside next year. In addition Hershey picked up Sturtze and Appier for less than $10 combined. Probably a better long term deal than either Wilson at $13 or Baez at $17. The only problem was the Pirates refusing to learn from their past mistakes and continuing to draft "prospects" Crede and Hamilton. Hello? Maybe we can arrange for a bedside sit-down next year between Hirsch and Josh Hamilton, kind of like those scared straight programs they have for kids, except Hirsch could see up close just how tough it is to make the majors lying on your back in a hospital.

3rd Place: The Philly Cheesesteaks

Keys to success: Mussina and an OF than can't continue to suck like a $3 whore for the rest of the season. I apologise to our more sensitive readers for the use of the word "whore" but it is a personal favorite of The Man. I will say it for the fourth staright year, Mussina will win the Cy Young. Wait, I forgot that fat redneck won last year, make that Mussina should win the Cy Young but probably won't because the sportswriters who vote are lazy, slack-jawed, knee jerk front runners. How can an offense that has Ordonez, Ichiero(sp?) and Cruz in the OF not be in first place in a single offensive category? Well, quite simply it can't for long. I mean does anybody here think that Jay Gibbons outhomers Ordonez? Really, please raise your hand I have some land to sell you. Oh, yeah the bullpen in the best in CARP, the regular Odd couple, Sasaki and Urbina, they should make them live together and film it a la "The Osbournes". I'm serious, I'd watch.

Keys to distress: The fact that the Steaks have five starters not named either Mussina or Garcia. We all knew that Satan was going to cash in that policy that Joe Mays took out last year. You know the one that says in exchange for your elbow at some future point I shall grant you a season beyond your wildest dreams, well Joe time to pay up. That leaves Steve Sparks as the ace of the back five which features Loshe, Hiljus, Valdes and Castillo. I'm sure that the Hall is right now placing orders for all their plaques in Cooperstown. Maybe Mr. Welshans has another trade up he sleeve, just bring your drink with you to the bathroom when your at the bar with the Steaks.

Player to watch: Ordonez=MVP. Everybody is jumping on The Man's bandwagon, but I called this back in Feb. Really, watch him go 40-40 just like that guy who used to play for the A's...What was his name?

Grab a beer when: Chris Carpenter ever gets off the DL. That's probably the best place for him. 23ERA and 3.8Whip, are those numbers for real?

Draft grade: C
What is wrong with this picture: Owner goes to draft with $100 to spend. Owner leaves draft with $50 in pocket. Owner cries in beer. Well except for the crying part, lots. Will somebody please tell Mr. Welshans that we are not playing with real money and there is no luxury tax in CARP. After Uggy the Steaks biggest draft acqusition was Ventura for $1. Arthur Rhodes in the bid draft? Make that C-.

2nd Place: The Capitol City Brewers

Keys to success: The best infield in CARP. Maybe the best infield ever assembled in CARP history, with apologies to the 2000 Creepers. ARod is simply the best player in the game right now, and Soriano may be second best by the end of the year. Chavez/Konerko/Giambi might all split MVP votes amongst themselves and Lopez has quitely put together an impressive first month more homers (4) than the CARP MVP (Garciaparra 3) he replaced. The OF is solid if unspectacular. Cameron and Beltran provide a nice balance of power and speed, and Gibbons is on pace to break Maris' record right now.

Keys to distress: Pitching and speed. A month into the season GM LaTour has managed to patch together a staff of emerging prospects and aging veterans which currently rank second in wins and era, and third in whip. Luck? Magic? Skill? Probably a combination of all three. The Brewers best starter is on the DL and looking like he won't repeat his breakout 21 win performance of 01. Moreover, both Rauch and the Space Needle have not stepped up to shoulder the load. Without a truly dominant number 1 starter how long can the Brewers hope to keep pace with the Creepers. How long can Ponson, Wilson, and the Gambler put up decent numbers? Like the song says "you got to know when to fold'em, know when to walk away, know when to run." The Brewers also lack speed outside of Beltran/Soriano. Without another steal threat, Tyner has already been released, the best the Brewers can hope for is a Clemens groin injury (yea!) or second place.

Player to watch: Grieve. The man has been to hell and back. From Rookie of the year in 98 to 11hrs last year. He already has 6 in a lineup in which he could be walked twice a game. Watch him bounce back with 25hr/90rbi.

Grab a beer when: Finley takes the mound. Finley will be much more fun to watch on CourtTV this season than ESPN. Either way he going to get bitch-slapped a lot.

Draft Grade: B+
The Brewers entered the draft needing power and pitching. While they got Konerko for the bargin price of $30 they failed to get a power arm, ending up with Burkett/Wilson for a combined $16 The taxi round has already proven to be a success with Ponson/Rogers/Wilson all contributing early and Morneau raking the ball in AA once the doctors removed the tubes from his stomach.

CARP Champion: The Brighton Creepers

Keys to success: Starting pitching, both quality and depth. No other CARP team can boast of having 5! #1 pitchers. Right now nothing can derail the Creepers pitching except injuries. Not only are the pitchers studs, but with the exception of Weaver, they all play for decent teams which translates into wins. When the OF returns to full strength, watch out. With Juanderful on the DL the Creepers have given the Brewers a running start in the power categories but it won't last. I mean when it comes down to it are you going to take Ramirez/Damon/Gonzalez/Stewart or Beltran/Cameron/Grieve/Gibbons? I am I right or am I right? right? right?

Keys to distress: The corner and the pen. Olerud/Segui/Koskie doesn't scare a whole lot of people except GM Griffiths. Olerud and Koskie are coming off of career years that they will not, repeat, will not duplicate. Segui, after spending years at the Caseco school for stalled careers, has finally perfected the posture, frosted hair and all, of the injured, underachieving roto player. The pen may end up costing or delivering the trophy to the Creepers. Percival is the west coast Urbina. Sucking down Mallox and coffee milkshakes in the pen, you don't know if your getting a 1-2-3 save or walk off HR. Talk about glutton for punishment, Irabu, that fat toad has found a new way to make the Creepers sweat. Its just a shame that Rocker got sent down before he became the closer.

Player to watch: Damon. For all the hype this guy receives he really only had one great year, until this year. Damon and the Sox are the perfect match and his traditional slow start is a memory. Look for 110runs and 40SB.

Grab a beer when: Rondell White wheels himself to the plate. I refuse to believe that this man can stay healthy for an entire season, more so with the Yankees. God just wouldn't be that cruel to do that, would he?

Draft grade: B-
The Creepers had few holes to fill. Eckstein was a steal (no pun intended) and he's been 50/50 on the Hernandez/White gamble. So why the B-, well depth. The only reason the Creepers are not in first is because they spent 7 of 9 taxi picks on prospects. The result: no replacement for Gonzo and Singleton/Winn at DH. Teixeria might have been a good pick for $1, but John FordGriffin and Ken Harvey? Oh right they have already been released. Luckily there are still 4 more supplemental drafts.