Well, after a long delay here is the first installment of the Contenders 1999. First installment? Yes. Hey, I'm a busy guy and I've got to get things in order before I leave for Spain. Anyway here are the picks for #3&4 compliments of "The Man". Installment number #2 to follow later this week. Remember, chicks love the long ball.
4TH Place: The Waverly Warthogs; GM Craig Haskell
History: Ever since the Hogs entered the league with the Shadowcasters back in 96' they have been the whipping boy of The Man in the annual predictions. After a series of miscues (Felipe Crespo?) the Hogs have entered contender status for the first time thanks to GM Haskell's deft trading and drafting over the past year.
Keys to Success: Even with both Edmonds and Clark on the DL, the potent Hog offense continues to put up solid numbers. GM Haskell has quietly put together one of the best MI in CARP. The emergence of Feebles as a legitimate ROY allowed the trade of Tejeda for Milton and Edmonds. Easley and Offerman have already combined for 6hr 9sb and 35rbi. Catcher is also an asset. Greene and Sweeney might be the best in CARP right now based on the stats. The corner is a little light, but Clark shouldn't be out much longer and when Edmonds returns the Hogs will be fairly deep at the corner.
Keys to Distress: Offense alone can't carry the Hogs past 4th. The starters on this team are in trouble. Let's just ignore Brian "scuffy" Moehler for now. Wakefield has lost it once again; Appier, once a sure thing, is now pure roulette ever time he takes the mound; Henry out for the year; Mendoza back to the pen when Clemens is back; Clark an utter disaster, and Doc looks like he could use more than just a little pick-me-up. Halama and Kida are not the answers to these types of problems.
Player to watch: Encarnacion is going to have a hell of a season. Now that Hunter is gone the Det. OF is pretty much set with Kapler and Higgy. Encarnacion has matured since that mound charging incident and his #'s .279 3hr 15rbi 8sb point to much bigger things down the road. He will be a 30/30 type player soon, just not this year. Look for .290 15hr 75rbi 80r 25sb for starters this year and lots of Sportcenter face time.
Grab a beer when: The Doc gets handed the ball. In a year in which we have witnessed the graceful exit of sport superstars Gretzky, Jordan, and Elway...some guys just don't get it. Dr. K's career is not ending with a bang but rather a 6.53era/1.984whimper. Look for him to be out of the Cle rotation as soon as they can trade for a pitcher in the stretch run.
3rd Place: Capital City Brewers: GM Pierre LaTour
History: My, how the mighty have fallen. Just one year removed from back to back championships, the Brewers are picked for third. Despite making some clubs nervous with a major offseason deal which brought the Brewers Rivera, Tino, and Omar Oliveras it appears that they will fall short of a record third CARP title.
Keys to Success: Strangely enough, pitching, namely starting pitching.
Once the achillies of this club, it is now its strength. Not only can the Brewers field a respectable 8-1 rotation they have two starters on the bench Pena and Florie, and two other potentially better starters in Greisinger and Hamilton ready to come off the DL. While only Radke and Mussina have the stats to be rated true number 1's, Pettitte, Helling Baldwin and Olivares have all recently put up good numbers. Rivera is the first top closer the Brewers have ever had and both Koch and Moreno will be closing games before the end of the season.
Keys to distress: The infield. Where is the power? This team set a CARP record for HR's last year. 5 weeks into the season the Brewers are last in HR's (36hr out of first) and tied for last in RBI's (56! out of first). While Tino and Coomer haven't been horrible at the corner they only have 23rbi between the two of them. The real disaster so far has been future star Chavez. Expected to fill some of the void left by Palmeiro, Chavez has struggled badly at they plate (0hr 4rbi) and has now fallen into a platoon role. Even with A-Rod on the horizon (and yes that too has contributed to the Brewers slow start if you were wondering) the Brewers may have already fallen too far behind the Creeper and Steak machines to ever catch up.
Player to watch: Carlos Beltran. Give him the trophy now. Fresh from AA the kid is on pace for a .300 20hr 90rbi 30sb season, and this is playing for a crappy team. In a few years Beltran and Mateo will dominate the highlight shows.
Grab a beer when: Jason Varitek waddles towards the plate. Did you see the highlight when he couldn't get the donut off his bat? How strangely appropriate. Varitek won the golden spikes award twice in college, he then held out for bigger bucks (paging Scott Boras) and since then the baseball gods have rightfully punished him at the plate. Even with moderate power at the plate his average was a killer last season. Now even the power is gone. Given the full time job when Hatteberg went down, Varitek responded with career stalling numbers .218 0hr 7rbi 6r. Doesn't Boston have some catching prospects in the minors?
Friday, April 29, 2005
2000 Pretenders / Contenders
Welcome everyone to the sixth season of CARP. As we eneter the new millenium of the CARP league I am struck by the dramatic changes in technology that have transformed our league which commenced just 5 years ago. When CARP began TQstats would send a single e-mail per week with the standings and stats of the teams. Today we have daily updates on a web page that allows our own transactions and even projects the season winner. Not to mention that some of us have dishes that allow us to watch any game or computers that let us listen. Truely astounding when you think about it. Yet with all these advances there is still no more accurrate prediction of the final standings than The Man. Thus, despite the fresh snow on the ground here are The Man's first installment of the Pretenders/Contenders 2000. As always, please no wagering.
8TH PLACE: THE WASHINGTON BROWNSKINS
LAST YEAR:4TH
Key to Success: The front of the rotation is strong. Colon is a #1, Sele and solid #2 and both Burba and Rupe will provide good numbers if not overly fantastic. In fact, all but Rupe are serious threats to win 20+ games. The C position is also above average. The Skins' re-uped on Assy (that's what Juan calls him) and he and Hernandez form a good combo at the backstop.
Key to Distress: Simply put: depth. The Skins' ould kick ass in a AA roto league. That's the problem. At the expense of players who actually get AB's the Skins are stocked to the gills with prospects. Even assuming the Castilla is the DH (once he emerges from the DL) and Guzman is the SS (instead of Soriano) the Skins are tanking 2 batting positions. The same is true for the rotation. Anderson, Mulder and Weaver all look to put up numbers in 2001-02. The Skins need to buy a calender. If anybody gets hurt or goes down the Skins will have to swallow long and hard and put Beck in (once he too comes off the DL) because he is the ONLY major league pitcher drafted in the taxi round.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT C+/B-
Despite a last minute snafu that rendered the Skins' little more than a disembodied voice over a speakerphone a la' Charlie of Charlie's Angels fame, the Skins had an above average draft. Due to incessant prospect stockpiling the Skins' did little to address their appalling lack of depth in either pitching or hitting. Mondesi is the exception. The Skins need big things from him and he will deiver to a point. Its no accident that despite 3 straight 30hr seasons Mondesi have never driven in 100. Look for 38hr 100rbi but only 22sb. Olerud is fine but $32? His days of .363 are long gone. 30hr 1B's are a dime a dozen and this guy's hoping for 25. Even when Castilla comes off the DL the over/under for hrs between him and Olerud is 50.
Player to watch: Colon, watch him blossom into a dominate #1
Grab a beer when: Ledee steps in the box. Prove me wrong punk.
7TH PLACE: THE WAVERLY/SOMEPLACE IN MAINE WARTHOGS
LAST YEAR: 6TH
KTS: Healthy pitching and quick callups. The Hogs come off a year in 99' in which the staff won only 70 games(and Irabu had 11 of those). Ouch! Nomo and Witasick were both good pickups. Expect adjustments from both from the early weeks. Nomo not as good as his current numbers nor is Witasick as bad. Erickson (rusty) and Alvarez (fat) need to pitch like its a contract year for them. Meanwhile the Hogs are banking on either Yarnall or Garland to get more than a cup of coffee at the show this year, more like a 64oz Stuckey truck stop special.
KTD: An unbalanced offense. Too many guys who can't hit for avg. (Vaughn, Encarnacion, Easly Valentin) combined with power pretenders such as O'Neil, Bell, and Guillen to mount an attack that would scare most slo-pitch softball leagues. In addition, the Hogs lost 50+ steals with the defection of Feebles and Hunter and they are replaced with O'Neil and Valentin.
That's like moving from the Hilton to the Super 8. PS...if the rotation can't stay healthy its Rapp and Mercedes to the rescue.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT B/C+
Nomo, Trach, and Witasick for $8 is a steal. The Hogs certainly got value, however, the actual impact of those players may end up being not far out of proportion to their price. Offseason acquistions such as Alvarez and Mo Vaughn for the likes of Richie Sexson do NOT win GM of the year awards.
Player to watch: Milton, will seamlessly assume the role of ace once Radke is traded.
Grab a beer when: Rapp takes the mound. Does that Pepto come in 32oz?
6TH PLACE: THE CHELSEA "PINK" PIRATES
LAST YEAR: 7TH
KTS: Despite the loss of Edmunds due to the fascist Commish and his evil minions, the Pink Pirates has a super OF. Lofton comes in for Damon to strengthen a OF anchored by budding super star Ordonez (look for 40hr 125rbi). For a no name rotation, the Pirates have the chance to have one of the better staffs in CARP. Rosado is the only #1 but Suppan, Nagy, Loaiza and even Yan are all capable of 10+ wins. If Thompson comes back healthy in May and provide 25 starts the front office can begin to address the fatal flaw of the club.
KTD: Both the infield and the bullpen are too fundamentally retarded to allow the Pirates to finish any higher. Evans, already stung by pre-season heckling at the hands of drunk Philadelphians, will be exposed for the lame-ass that he is. I mean this guy was released by the Jays when Tony Fernandez was at 3rd. Brosius is already hurt and Gonzalez is gearing up for his annual "I don't suck" campaign. Good luck. I've seen the numbers, but I still don't think the Big Skirt has regained his old form. Izzy is an interesting pick up, but asking him to carry the load alone with Cordero and Guardado as your help is simply asking too much.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT B+/B
The entire outfield acquisition of Lofton/Buhner/Martinez was perhaps the coup of the draft. Lofton has already put the rest of the league on notice that last year's numbers were an aberration. Even getting only 400-450 abs this year a healthy Buhner could get 35hr. Martinez is solid year in year out. I also like Fick, $7 is a little high but he should also see decent abs. Thompson/Wheeler/Zito are a great blend of youth and veteran stuff.
We can finally look at this Pirate team as a true reflection of the ownership tandem of Dennis "DUI" Hirsch and his cohort Owen "Make your own joke here" Ayre. No longer can they complain about the team they inherited from the late Dr. Glahn. While they deserve praise for their draft they cannot escape the fact that they traded the best backstop in CARP and current MVP away for the Big Skirt and Trot Nixon. Not to mention they have the only current CARP player with a halo brace on their roster.
Player to watch: Ordonez. He may be the trendy pick, but there is no denying his talent and potential.
Grab a beer when: Alex Gonzalez digs in. This guy has been the whipping boy for The Man for years. Nothing has changed.
5TH PLACE: THE BELTWAY BUCKOS
LAST YEAR: 5TH
KTS: Vastly improved outfield and strong front rotation. Pitching has always been the calling card of the Buckos. Their staff from 95' still holds most of the CARP pitching records. This season is no different. The staff returns every crucial member with the exception of Erickson for the 2000 campaign, a staff which won 99 games last year. Wells and Moyer are automatic. Halladay looks to step in for Erickson and Rogers early returns are scary.(look for 18 wins and era/whip 3.80/1.30). The outfiled is greatly improved with Everett and Salmon. Remember the Surhoff led the team with 28hr last year. However Everett/Salmon are good for 60+hrs and Grieve cna be 30+ if he can put together a full season like the second half he had for the Buckos last year after the trade (25hr 74rbi in 367abs).
KTD: Batista saved the infield from being a total disaster. I know about Alomar but the rest? Ripkin might just retire after he gets his 3,000 hit, Ortiz has yet to fulfill his potential and must deal with the constant threat of bench time with that crusty old bastard up in Minn and Cruz is, well he's a pretty good $1 ss, nuff said. What's that? Oh, right Tony Clark. Now I would be lying if I said I wasn't a believer at one point. I mean this guy is 6'7" with this giant power stroke. Problem is that long stroke leads to long slumps, those slumps have also been referred to as April, May, and June. And now Clark doesn't have Tiger stadium to kick around any more. Add to that a weak top of the order in Detroit and Igor gobbling up many of his rbi and its goodbye 35hr 120rbi seasons for Mr. Clark. I'll take a wild stab at .275 28hr 90rbi. The infield narrowly dooms the Buckos to Pretender status.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT A-/A-
In the South I think they call it playing possum. I swear to god that's what the Buckos seem to do year in year out at the draft. I mean I have a great deal of respect for the team. After all they are only 1 of 3 teams on the trophy. But sometimes you get the feeling the Buckos are not exactly on top of things. You talk with them in the offseason about players and they don't always know which team they are on sometimes. Then they show up at the draft right off the plane from Grenada of all freakin places and walk away with Everett, Batista, Salmon, and Wetteland and arguably don't overpay for a single one. The Buckos has demonstrated that slow and steady sometimes wins the race. The shrewdest trade of 99 was Grieve and Halladay for Cone and Lofton. A trade looking to pay big dividends in 2000. The Buckos don't receive a perfect grade in large part because of the youth movement?! the Buckos undertook in the taxi. I mean please...Stanley, Polonia, Fassero, Bordick. Who is the team sponsor, Depends?
Player to watch: Halladay. Not so much for a breakout season, that comes in 2001, but because he is crucial to the Buckos staff and must put of good numbers.
Grab a beer when: CJ Nitowski toes the rubber. This guy slipped something into somebody's drink to in a shot in the Tiger's rotation. Look out for serious whiplash.
Well, here it is at last. I know that many of you thought that the Man would not deliver the goods this year, but after having to deal with the annoying distractions of work and taxes here are The Pretenders 2000, as inevitable as Canseco pulling a hammy. Before I get to the teams I want to make clear that one reason it took me so long to put together the Pretenders this year is that the league is so wide open. Really any of these four teams could win this year and it should be at least a three team race right down to the final weekend this year. Anyway, somebody has to lose and somebody will carry the trophy home (which looks quite nice on top of my armoire).
4TH PLACE: THE PHILADELPHIA CHEESESTEAKS
LAST YEAR: 3RD PLACE
KTS: Deep pitching and an improved infield. The brothers Martinez and Mr. Finley are as strong as any 1-3 in CARP. Between Finley and Pedro they already have 57k's in just 6 starts. You do the math. Ramon will be fine once the weather warms up. He could easily post 15+ wins. Carpenter and Meche ar still a year away from putting up impressive roto numbers but most owners would love to have them now. The big problem with the pitching staff is the over-stuffed beanie baby Jaret Wright. Either the Steaks know something the Man doesn't (impossible you say?) or perhaps there is a seceret gay romance brewing, but how does this guy make the rotation with Oliver, Parque and Mays on the bench? I mean this guy sucks big time.
I've been saying it since his rookie year. He's got a nice flat 95mph fastball and he's willing to pitch inside (of your helmet) but that doesn't cut it at the show. It went almost unnoticed at the draft that the Steaks sat around waiting for everyone else to finnish before scooping up DeShields and Fryman for a total of $3. DeShields is on a mission and it looks like he will steal 40+. Combined with Delgado and Randa the Steaks infield will not be the reason that the team fades in the summer.
KTD: That honor goes to the OF. The poor Steaks, that Grebeck thing is for real. Puckett goes blind, McGuire, Brown and Junior all go NL, what's an owner to do. Apparently hang your hopes on a Higgenson comeback. I mean the Steaks sometimes look like the island of misfit toys, refuge for players who once showed promise but now cling to the Steaks in the hope of reviving their stalled careers. Mr. Higgenson have you met Mr. Bottalico?
At Comerica park Higgy might finish the year with single digit HR's. The catchers on this team suck as well. LeCroy will be a stud, but not this year. Who the hell is Mark Johnson? If you need a Boston catcher who doesn't play, talk to the Steaks.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT A-/B+
The Steaks had perhaps the second best draft next to the Buc's. As mentioned before, DeShields and Fryman cement that infield. Cruz and Fullmer cannot be ignored. With Stewart still suffering from a nagging hammy from last season it is crucial that Cruz develop into an everyday player this year. He has always been known as a cripple hitter (see his 8hr) but still has shown an inability to hit the breaking pitch (see his .230 avg). Fullmer is looking to have a breakout year once he got out of Montreal. Sasaki is the gamble. No doubt he has the chance to pick up 30+ saves. The problem is that Pinella likes to ruin his pen. I would worry about his overuse, espicially down the stretch. Sasucki is coming off surgery and has only 3 saves in 8 appearances thus far this season. The Steaks will need those saves with Timlin and the human napalm bomb Bottalico in their pen. Smart vets like JValentin and Dave Martinez add valuable bench stength. This may be the last year that the Steaks can hold on to Pedro. He will be $70 next year. Unfortunaely his supporting cast is just not strong enough to win this year. Pedro's best chance for a CARP ring may lie in being traded in August to the eventaul CARP champ, ah, whomever that is.
Player to watch: Finley. Given the chance to shine on a contender Finley will win 20 for the first time.
Grab a beer when: Oliver takes his turn. How did this guy convince anybody that he was worth the money?
3RD PLACE: THE TEXAS MULES/STEERS
LAST YEAR: 8TH PLACE
KTS: Catcher and what has quietly become the second best infield in the CARP. With Pudge and Johnson there is just no competition. Posada and Varitek are both emerging stars but will never be even half the roto stud that Pudge already is. I mean this is a catcher who will hit 30+ homers with 100 rbi 100 runs and bat .300+, that's good for an OF and absolutely unheard of for a catcher in the AL. Despite a slow start Mr. Wolfe has assembled an infield that should keep the Mules in contender status for the next several years. Glaus and Chavez are the two best young 3B's in the game. Tejada will soon join the likes of ARod, Nomar, and Jeter as a legitimate 25-30 hr SS and Knoblauch will post his normal 15hr 120run and 25sb season. Even the weak links in the IF, Walker and Tino, are above average roto players who will still put up decent numbers this year. By the end of the season Koch will have established himself as the second best closer in the AL behind Rivera. That is important because Howry is starting to look over his shoulder at Foulke, the future closer in Chicago.
KTD: For a brief time, one night actually when I had a few too many harpoons, I was tempted to write the classic worst to first story of the Mules. Two things will not allow that to happen this year. First, the pitching. An eleventh hour trade with the Brewers prevented the Mules staff from becoming a joke. While Pettitte, Helling, and Escobar lend a certain respectability to the staff, none are the roto stud that the Mule's need to win this year. Hudson is still looking to regain the form that allowed him to go 11-2 in the majors last year, and Garcia, on the brink of establishing himself in the AL, may now be lost for at least 2 months with a fracture in his leg. When you're only answer to such early season setbacks is to start an Angel pitcher like Hill or Dickson its time to start thinking about finishing in the money and not picking your CARP MVP.
Second, the OF. Mr. Wolfe has placed a huge burden on a very young and inexperienced OF to produce some big numbers. Konerko is the grey beard of the group at 25. Kapler still has to figure out how to hit breaking balls. Mateo remains 1-2 years away from being a star, and Sexton still has not emerged from a month long slump. No doubt that these players will be impact players, but with the exception of Konerko, none of them will post impressive CARP numbers this year.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT B/A
The Mules front office has been the favorite whipping boy for the Man the past several years, this year the mantle was passed to the Skins. The draft grade is a result of the fact that the Mules only had two players to draft. I think that Knobby for $23 is an A while Cone for $24 is a C and thus we have a B. Most of the taxi round was hit or miss. For every Segui there was a Baines and for every Karsay there was a Hamilton. The management grade is the result of the most successful offseason of any CARP team in recent memory. The Mules finshed last in CARP last year and in the offseason moved to acquire: Pettitte, Helling, Escobar, Sexton, Tejada, Pudge, and Tino. That isn't a makeover its a freakin team transplant. At the same time the Mules managed to keep their salary structure intact. Only one player, Pudge, will be over $40 next year and their most expensive hitter will be Knobby at $24. While the Mules might only finish in the money this year, for the first time since 95' the CARP trophy will not be the exclusive property of either the Creepers or Brewers in 2001.
Player to watch: Konerko. When nobody believed, the Wolfe had faith and that will be rewarded with a 35 hr season.
Grab a beer when: Cameron's up. Granted its unfair to expect him to be the next Griffey. But you can't bat leadoff and expect to thrive when you hit 230 and don't take walks. Have fun batting 9th.
2ND PLACE: THE BRIGHTON CREEPERS
LAST YEAR: 2ND PLACE
KTS: Still the best offense in CARP. The Creepers are the perfect balance of power and speed up and down their lineup. The infield is the best in CARP. Palmeiro, Palmer, and Durham are all the best at their position in the AL. Erstad, proving that last year was a fluke, has greatly reduced his milk intake and is having an MVP season. Feebles, a steal at the draft for $10 is the sparkplug to a emerging Royals offense. In the OF Ramirez is automatic, throw in that fact that its a contract season for him and watch out. Justice might have one more good season left, Damon will challenge for 20/20 and Canseco will not rest until hit hits 600 hrs and has perfect hair. Remember that this offense has not yet hit its stride. Gonzalez is struggling with his new team (6rbi in April?) and Stairs, despite the fact that he looks and plays like a slo-pitch softball player will both come around eventaully. Fordyce has yet to play and I haven't even mentioned Jeter and Posada. All in all the Creeper offense will be ripping the cover off the ball all season and that will make the CARP championship go right down to the final day, when the Creepers will fall just short of the championship. That will not be the fault of the Pen, the best in CARP with the one two punch of Troy "Decaf" Percival and Lowe, the best closers in the league not named Mariano or Billy.
KTD: Why, despite a photo finsh for the CARP trophy, won't it be the Creepers year? Chicks dig the long ball, but pitching wins championships. Going into the draft the Creepers needed pitching desperately. They came away with Bottenfield, Baldwin and Tomko. Not three names that inspire a manager with dreams of glory. However, as April has unfolded the Creeper troika have proved to be more that servicable. Baldwin is 4-0, this from a guy who usually doesn't win his fourth until the Fourth of July. Th problem has been and will continue to be with the rest of the rotation. Guzman is on the DL and is keeping a seat warm for Sirotka. Sirotka is a good but not great pitcher with exceptional control, that is his strength. Last year in 32 starts he had a era of 4.00. This year in April--17ip 6.23era and 1.92 whip. He's hurt and will not admit it. Ponson and Tomko can both emerge as good #2 or #3 starters in the AL but they still need time and this year will be a lot of quality starts followed by those ugly lines of 4ip and 5er. Clemens is the big question mark, and the Creepers season may be in his hands. Does he have one more CY Young left in him? Right now the numbers are inconclusive (3.69era but 1.51 whip). The Man thinks that while the Rocket will rebound from last year's disappointment there will not be a record 6th Cy for the trophy case. Think 16wins, 4.00 era and 1.40 whip with 200k's.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT B/B+
While Baldwin/Tomko/Bottenfield may not be what the Creepers had hoped for out of the draft they can't complain about their combined salary of $6. Justice was cheap at $2 but it remains to be seen if he can put together a full healthy season with good numbers. Despite his groin injury, selecting Cattalanatto in the 5th round may have been the steal of the taxi. This guy could hit 20 hrs playing a full season and he can play 2nd, 3rd, and OF. If it weren't for Oates, perhaps the worst manager in the AL, he would be starting instead of filling in for Evans and Alicea. The rest of the Creeper bench is a tantalizing list of talanted players who have yet to fulfill expectations (Anderson and Branyan) or those who won't even get the chance until late 2001 (Drew and Colombe). The Creepers remain one of the best, if not the best evaluators of talent in CARP. Even with the offensive juggernaut that was the 99' Creeper offense, GM Griffiths obtained Palmeiro, Damon, and uber-prospect Vernon Wells in the off-season. While visions of spring training 500ft hr from Sexton still linger, Kip Wells looks to be the number 1 in Chicago as soon as next year.
Player to watch: As if I have to point out Erstad. Coming off a season in which he hit .260, the thirtsy one already has more multi-hit games in April than some players get in a season. MVP candidate in he played for a contender and not the weak-ass Angels.
Grab a beer when: Guzman comes off the DL. He has not been healthy in years. He's not healthy now and when he comes back he has to pitch in that homer friendly monstrosity in Tampa--you have been warned.
1ST PLACE: THE CAPITOL CITY BREWERS
LAST YEAR: CARP CHAMPION
KTS: Somebody has to win, and somebody has to lose, and somebody has to make the call. In the closest season in years the Brewers will take home the trophy for the 4th time in 6 seasons when Sidney Ponson is rocked for 8er in 3ip in a meaningless season finale against the A's. You can never be too rich or too thin. You can never have too much beer stored in your car hole and you can't have too much starting pitching. While the Brewers don't have too much, they are the deepest and most talented staff in CARP. No team can boast 3 #1's like Mussina, El Duque and Radke. That's half the staff. Olivares and Heredia are both underrated starters on a good team.
Ortiz will have his struggles early on but when Saberhagen returns in May Ortiz will become the #7 on the staff. Although it's not yet May, the Brewers staff is already beginning to dominate the ERA/WHIP standings like Bucko staff's of old. This Brewer lineup will not stir memories of the 97 team which swept every offensive catagory, but they will be right behind the Creepers most of the year. It all starts with Nomar and ARod, the class of CARP. At the corner the Brewers just continue to reload. Thome and Giambi are each threats for 40+hr. The OF, once Greer returns in from the DL in 2-3 weeks is as good as anybody's. GWilliams has been a pleasant surprise early on offsetting the sophmore slump of MVP in waiting Beltran.
KTD: The bullpen. Rivera is the best in the league but a #2 has to emerge. Shuey is confirming GM LaTour's worst fears at this point. Not only has has blown every save opportunity thus far but Karsay performace makes him look even worse. Zimmerman is a fluke and Moreno is months away from even returning to the pen for KC. The Brewers were counting on an excess of starting pitching that could be traded for a closer but Mahay has been a bust and Wakefield was sent to the bullpen for long relief the day after the draft. How long can the Brewers survive with just Rivera? The bench has also been exposed early on. When Greer went down the Brewers had nobody to go to and have only 2 picks in the first 2 supplemental drafts. In the absence of a trade, the Brewers will need productive numbers from Norton and or Lamb and Piatt. That's a tall order from that bunch.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT B-/A-
It was feast or famine for the Brewers at this year's draft. Kennedy has thus far justified the bidding war between the Brewers and Creepers for a 2nd baseman who had never player a full season. He's on pace for .300/12hr/35sb. However, going to the wall hamstrung the Brewers for the rest of the draft as they watched helplessly as good players slipped through their hands once their bid reached $2. Thus it became bargain/bust hunting. For every GWilliams there was a Jaha, for every Molina a Lamb. Just more pressure on the pitching staff. Speaking of which, the Brewers continued to stockpile young stud pitchers. After picking Sabathia off the Creepers last year the Brewers managed to grab future stars Baez and Kim in the first two rounds. Baez is still getting his shit together, but Kim is dominating AAA and could be with Boston in July while C.C. already has 38k's in 28ip in A ball. Piatt, quickly gaining confidence during his callup makes up for the wasted pick on punk-ass Leyritz in the 9th round. You don't win 3 championships in 5 years unless you know what you're doing. The Brewers are not afraid to pull the trigger on a major deal. Last year in was Thome and El Duque. This offseason it was Giambi/Shuey and Pena (ouch!). If the Brewers stumble during the summer don't be surprised to see another blockbuster trade involving some of the young Brewer talent to capture that last CARP Cup for Captain Belle.
Player to watch: Belle. It's probably the last go round for the Capt. He wants another ring, badly. Once the weather gets warm watch out, he has a 55hr season in him yet.
Grab a beer when: Jaha limps to the plate. The Brewers were seduced by his 99' numbers and chose to ignore his injury history. You reap what you sow, in this case that would be .129 0hr 1rbi 3runs.
8TH PLACE: THE WASHINGTON BROWNSKINS
LAST YEAR:4TH
Key to Success: The front of the rotation is strong. Colon is a #1, Sele and solid #2 and both Burba and Rupe will provide good numbers if not overly fantastic. In fact, all but Rupe are serious threats to win 20+ games. The C position is also above average. The Skins' re-uped on Assy (that's what Juan calls him) and he and Hernandez form a good combo at the backstop.
Key to Distress: Simply put: depth. The Skins' ould kick ass in a AA roto league. That's the problem. At the expense of players who actually get AB's the Skins are stocked to the gills with prospects. Even assuming the Castilla is the DH (once he emerges from the DL) and Guzman is the SS (instead of Soriano) the Skins are tanking 2 batting positions. The same is true for the rotation. Anderson, Mulder and Weaver all look to put up numbers in 2001-02. The Skins need to buy a calender. If anybody gets hurt or goes down the Skins will have to swallow long and hard and put Beck in (once he too comes off the DL) because he is the ONLY major league pitcher drafted in the taxi round.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT C+/B-
Despite a last minute snafu that rendered the Skins' little more than a disembodied voice over a speakerphone a la' Charlie of Charlie's Angels fame, the Skins had an above average draft. Due to incessant prospect stockpiling the Skins' did little to address their appalling lack of depth in either pitching or hitting. Mondesi is the exception. The Skins need big things from him and he will deiver to a point. Its no accident that despite 3 straight 30hr seasons Mondesi have never driven in 100. Look for 38hr 100rbi but only 22sb. Olerud is fine but $32? His days of .363 are long gone. 30hr 1B's are a dime a dozen and this guy's hoping for 25. Even when Castilla comes off the DL the over/under for hrs between him and Olerud is 50.
Player to watch: Colon, watch him blossom into a dominate #1
Grab a beer when: Ledee steps in the box. Prove me wrong punk.
7TH PLACE: THE WAVERLY/SOMEPLACE IN MAINE WARTHOGS
LAST YEAR: 6TH
KTS: Healthy pitching and quick callups. The Hogs come off a year in 99' in which the staff won only 70 games(and Irabu had 11 of those). Ouch! Nomo and Witasick were both good pickups. Expect adjustments from both from the early weeks. Nomo not as good as his current numbers nor is Witasick as bad. Erickson (rusty) and Alvarez (fat) need to pitch like its a contract year for them. Meanwhile the Hogs are banking on either Yarnall or Garland to get more than a cup of coffee at the show this year, more like a 64oz Stuckey truck stop special.
KTD: An unbalanced offense. Too many guys who can't hit for avg. (Vaughn, Encarnacion, Easly Valentin) combined with power pretenders such as O'Neil, Bell, and Guillen to mount an attack that would scare most slo-pitch softball leagues. In addition, the Hogs lost 50+ steals with the defection of Feebles and Hunter and they are replaced with O'Neil and Valentin.
That's like moving from the Hilton to the Super 8. PS...if the rotation can't stay healthy its Rapp and Mercedes to the rescue.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT B/C+
Nomo, Trach, and Witasick for $8 is a steal. The Hogs certainly got value, however, the actual impact of those players may end up being not far out of proportion to their price. Offseason acquistions such as Alvarez and Mo Vaughn for the likes of Richie Sexson do NOT win GM of the year awards.
Player to watch: Milton, will seamlessly assume the role of ace once Radke is traded.
Grab a beer when: Rapp takes the mound. Does that Pepto come in 32oz?
6TH PLACE: THE CHELSEA "PINK" PIRATES
LAST YEAR: 7TH
KTS: Despite the loss of Edmunds due to the fascist Commish and his evil minions, the Pink Pirates has a super OF. Lofton comes in for Damon to strengthen a OF anchored by budding super star Ordonez (look for 40hr 125rbi). For a no name rotation, the Pirates have the chance to have one of the better staffs in CARP. Rosado is the only #1 but Suppan, Nagy, Loaiza and even Yan are all capable of 10+ wins. If Thompson comes back healthy in May and provide 25 starts the front office can begin to address the fatal flaw of the club.
KTD: Both the infield and the bullpen are too fundamentally retarded to allow the Pirates to finish any higher. Evans, already stung by pre-season heckling at the hands of drunk Philadelphians, will be exposed for the lame-ass that he is. I mean this guy was released by the Jays when Tony Fernandez was at 3rd. Brosius is already hurt and Gonzalez is gearing up for his annual "I don't suck" campaign. Good luck. I've seen the numbers, but I still don't think the Big Skirt has regained his old form. Izzy is an interesting pick up, but asking him to carry the load alone with Cordero and Guardado as your help is simply asking too much.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT B+/B
The entire outfield acquisition of Lofton/Buhner/Martinez was perhaps the coup of the draft. Lofton has already put the rest of the league on notice that last year's numbers were an aberration. Even getting only 400-450 abs this year a healthy Buhner could get 35hr. Martinez is solid year in year out. I also like Fick, $7 is a little high but he should also see decent abs. Thompson/Wheeler/Zito are a great blend of youth and veteran stuff.
We can finally look at this Pirate team as a true reflection of the ownership tandem of Dennis "DUI" Hirsch and his cohort Owen "Make your own joke here" Ayre. No longer can they complain about the team they inherited from the late Dr. Glahn. While they deserve praise for their draft they cannot escape the fact that they traded the best backstop in CARP and current MVP away for the Big Skirt and Trot Nixon. Not to mention they have the only current CARP player with a halo brace on their roster.
Player to watch: Ordonez. He may be the trendy pick, but there is no denying his talent and potential.
Grab a beer when: Alex Gonzalez digs in. This guy has been the whipping boy for The Man for years. Nothing has changed.
5TH PLACE: THE BELTWAY BUCKOS
LAST YEAR: 5TH
KTS: Vastly improved outfield and strong front rotation. Pitching has always been the calling card of the Buckos. Their staff from 95' still holds most of the CARP pitching records. This season is no different. The staff returns every crucial member with the exception of Erickson for the 2000 campaign, a staff which won 99 games last year. Wells and Moyer are automatic. Halladay looks to step in for Erickson and Rogers early returns are scary.(look for 18 wins and era/whip 3.80/1.30). The outfiled is greatly improved with Everett and Salmon. Remember the Surhoff led the team with 28hr last year. However Everett/Salmon are good for 60+hrs and Grieve cna be 30+ if he can put together a full season like the second half he had for the Buckos last year after the trade (25hr 74rbi in 367abs).
KTD: Batista saved the infield from being a total disaster. I know about Alomar but the rest? Ripkin might just retire after he gets his 3,000 hit, Ortiz has yet to fulfill his potential and must deal with the constant threat of bench time with that crusty old bastard up in Minn and Cruz is, well he's a pretty good $1 ss, nuff said. What's that? Oh, right Tony Clark. Now I would be lying if I said I wasn't a believer at one point. I mean this guy is 6'7" with this giant power stroke. Problem is that long stroke leads to long slumps, those slumps have also been referred to as April, May, and June. And now Clark doesn't have Tiger stadium to kick around any more. Add to that a weak top of the order in Detroit and Igor gobbling up many of his rbi and its goodbye 35hr 120rbi seasons for Mr. Clark. I'll take a wild stab at .275 28hr 90rbi. The infield narrowly dooms the Buckos to Pretender status.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT A-/A-
In the South I think they call it playing possum. I swear to god that's what the Buckos seem to do year in year out at the draft. I mean I have a great deal of respect for the team. After all they are only 1 of 3 teams on the trophy. But sometimes you get the feeling the Buckos are not exactly on top of things. You talk with them in the offseason about players and they don't always know which team they are on sometimes. Then they show up at the draft right off the plane from Grenada of all freakin places and walk away with Everett, Batista, Salmon, and Wetteland and arguably don't overpay for a single one. The Buckos has demonstrated that slow and steady sometimes wins the race. The shrewdest trade of 99 was Grieve and Halladay for Cone and Lofton. A trade looking to pay big dividends in 2000. The Buckos don't receive a perfect grade in large part because of the youth movement?! the Buckos undertook in the taxi. I mean please...Stanley, Polonia, Fassero, Bordick. Who is the team sponsor, Depends?
Player to watch: Halladay. Not so much for a breakout season, that comes in 2001, but because he is crucial to the Buckos staff and must put of good numbers.
Grab a beer when: CJ Nitowski toes the rubber. This guy slipped something into somebody's drink to in a shot in the Tiger's rotation. Look out for serious whiplash.
Well, here it is at last. I know that many of you thought that the Man would not deliver the goods this year, but after having to deal with the annoying distractions of work and taxes here are The Pretenders 2000, as inevitable as Canseco pulling a hammy. Before I get to the teams I want to make clear that one reason it took me so long to put together the Pretenders this year is that the league is so wide open. Really any of these four teams could win this year and it should be at least a three team race right down to the final weekend this year. Anyway, somebody has to lose and somebody will carry the trophy home (which looks quite nice on top of my armoire).
4TH PLACE: THE PHILADELPHIA CHEESESTEAKS
LAST YEAR: 3RD PLACE
KTS: Deep pitching and an improved infield. The brothers Martinez and Mr. Finley are as strong as any 1-3 in CARP. Between Finley and Pedro they already have 57k's in just 6 starts. You do the math. Ramon will be fine once the weather warms up. He could easily post 15+ wins. Carpenter and Meche ar still a year away from putting up impressive roto numbers but most owners would love to have them now. The big problem with the pitching staff is the over-stuffed beanie baby Jaret Wright. Either the Steaks know something the Man doesn't (impossible you say?) or perhaps there is a seceret gay romance brewing, but how does this guy make the rotation with Oliver, Parque and Mays on the bench? I mean this guy sucks big time.
I've been saying it since his rookie year. He's got a nice flat 95mph fastball and he's willing to pitch inside (of your helmet) but that doesn't cut it at the show. It went almost unnoticed at the draft that the Steaks sat around waiting for everyone else to finnish before scooping up DeShields and Fryman for a total of $3. DeShields is on a mission and it looks like he will steal 40+. Combined with Delgado and Randa the Steaks infield will not be the reason that the team fades in the summer.
KTD: That honor goes to the OF. The poor Steaks, that Grebeck thing is for real. Puckett goes blind, McGuire, Brown and Junior all go NL, what's an owner to do. Apparently hang your hopes on a Higgenson comeback. I mean the Steaks sometimes look like the island of misfit toys, refuge for players who once showed promise but now cling to the Steaks in the hope of reviving their stalled careers. Mr. Higgenson have you met Mr. Bottalico?
At Comerica park Higgy might finish the year with single digit HR's. The catchers on this team suck as well. LeCroy will be a stud, but not this year. Who the hell is Mark Johnson? If you need a Boston catcher who doesn't play, talk to the Steaks.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT A-/B+
The Steaks had perhaps the second best draft next to the Buc's. As mentioned before, DeShields and Fryman cement that infield. Cruz and Fullmer cannot be ignored. With Stewart still suffering from a nagging hammy from last season it is crucial that Cruz develop into an everyday player this year. He has always been known as a cripple hitter (see his 8hr) but still has shown an inability to hit the breaking pitch (see his .230 avg). Fullmer is looking to have a breakout year once he got out of Montreal. Sasaki is the gamble. No doubt he has the chance to pick up 30+ saves. The problem is that Pinella likes to ruin his pen. I would worry about his overuse, espicially down the stretch. Sasucki is coming off surgery and has only 3 saves in 8 appearances thus far this season. The Steaks will need those saves with Timlin and the human napalm bomb Bottalico in their pen. Smart vets like JValentin and Dave Martinez add valuable bench stength. This may be the last year that the Steaks can hold on to Pedro. He will be $70 next year. Unfortunaely his supporting cast is just not strong enough to win this year. Pedro's best chance for a CARP ring may lie in being traded in August to the eventaul CARP champ, ah, whomever that is.
Player to watch: Finley. Given the chance to shine on a contender Finley will win 20 for the first time.
Grab a beer when: Oliver takes his turn. How did this guy convince anybody that he was worth the money?
3RD PLACE: THE TEXAS MULES/STEERS
LAST YEAR: 8TH PLACE
KTS: Catcher and what has quietly become the second best infield in the CARP. With Pudge and Johnson there is just no competition. Posada and Varitek are both emerging stars but will never be even half the roto stud that Pudge already is. I mean this is a catcher who will hit 30+ homers with 100 rbi 100 runs and bat .300+, that's good for an OF and absolutely unheard of for a catcher in the AL. Despite a slow start Mr. Wolfe has assembled an infield that should keep the Mules in contender status for the next several years. Glaus and Chavez are the two best young 3B's in the game. Tejada will soon join the likes of ARod, Nomar, and Jeter as a legitimate 25-30 hr SS and Knoblauch will post his normal 15hr 120run and 25sb season. Even the weak links in the IF, Walker and Tino, are above average roto players who will still put up decent numbers this year. By the end of the season Koch will have established himself as the second best closer in the AL behind Rivera. That is important because Howry is starting to look over his shoulder at Foulke, the future closer in Chicago.
KTD: For a brief time, one night actually when I had a few too many harpoons, I was tempted to write the classic worst to first story of the Mules. Two things will not allow that to happen this year. First, the pitching. An eleventh hour trade with the Brewers prevented the Mules staff from becoming a joke. While Pettitte, Helling, and Escobar lend a certain respectability to the staff, none are the roto stud that the Mule's need to win this year. Hudson is still looking to regain the form that allowed him to go 11-2 in the majors last year, and Garcia, on the brink of establishing himself in the AL, may now be lost for at least 2 months with a fracture in his leg. When you're only answer to such early season setbacks is to start an Angel pitcher like Hill or Dickson its time to start thinking about finishing in the money and not picking your CARP MVP.
Second, the OF. Mr. Wolfe has placed a huge burden on a very young and inexperienced OF to produce some big numbers. Konerko is the grey beard of the group at 25. Kapler still has to figure out how to hit breaking balls. Mateo remains 1-2 years away from being a star, and Sexton still has not emerged from a month long slump. No doubt that these players will be impact players, but with the exception of Konerko, none of them will post impressive CARP numbers this year.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT B/A
The Mules front office has been the favorite whipping boy for the Man the past several years, this year the mantle was passed to the Skins. The draft grade is a result of the fact that the Mules only had two players to draft. I think that Knobby for $23 is an A while Cone for $24 is a C and thus we have a B. Most of the taxi round was hit or miss. For every Segui there was a Baines and for every Karsay there was a Hamilton. The management grade is the result of the most successful offseason of any CARP team in recent memory. The Mules finshed last in CARP last year and in the offseason moved to acquire: Pettitte, Helling, Escobar, Sexton, Tejada, Pudge, and Tino. That isn't a makeover its a freakin team transplant. At the same time the Mules managed to keep their salary structure intact. Only one player, Pudge, will be over $40 next year and their most expensive hitter will be Knobby at $24. While the Mules might only finish in the money this year, for the first time since 95' the CARP trophy will not be the exclusive property of either the Creepers or Brewers in 2001.
Player to watch: Konerko. When nobody believed, the Wolfe had faith and that will be rewarded with a 35 hr season.
Grab a beer when: Cameron's up. Granted its unfair to expect him to be the next Griffey. But you can't bat leadoff and expect to thrive when you hit 230 and don't take walks. Have fun batting 9th.
2ND PLACE: THE BRIGHTON CREEPERS
LAST YEAR: 2ND PLACE
KTS: Still the best offense in CARP. The Creepers are the perfect balance of power and speed up and down their lineup. The infield is the best in CARP. Palmeiro, Palmer, and Durham are all the best at their position in the AL. Erstad, proving that last year was a fluke, has greatly reduced his milk intake and is having an MVP season. Feebles, a steal at the draft for $10 is the sparkplug to a emerging Royals offense. In the OF Ramirez is automatic, throw in that fact that its a contract season for him and watch out. Justice might have one more good season left, Damon will challenge for 20/20 and Canseco will not rest until hit hits 600 hrs and has perfect hair. Remember that this offense has not yet hit its stride. Gonzalez is struggling with his new team (6rbi in April?) and Stairs, despite the fact that he looks and plays like a slo-pitch softball player will both come around eventaully. Fordyce has yet to play and I haven't even mentioned Jeter and Posada. All in all the Creeper offense will be ripping the cover off the ball all season and that will make the CARP championship go right down to the final day, when the Creepers will fall just short of the championship. That will not be the fault of the Pen, the best in CARP with the one two punch of Troy "Decaf" Percival and Lowe, the best closers in the league not named Mariano or Billy.
KTD: Why, despite a photo finsh for the CARP trophy, won't it be the Creepers year? Chicks dig the long ball, but pitching wins championships. Going into the draft the Creepers needed pitching desperately. They came away with Bottenfield, Baldwin and Tomko. Not three names that inspire a manager with dreams of glory. However, as April has unfolded the Creeper troika have proved to be more that servicable. Baldwin is 4-0, this from a guy who usually doesn't win his fourth until the Fourth of July. Th problem has been and will continue to be with the rest of the rotation. Guzman is on the DL and is keeping a seat warm for Sirotka. Sirotka is a good but not great pitcher with exceptional control, that is his strength. Last year in 32 starts he had a era of 4.00. This year in April--17ip 6.23era and 1.92 whip. He's hurt and will not admit it. Ponson and Tomko can both emerge as good #2 or #3 starters in the AL but they still need time and this year will be a lot of quality starts followed by those ugly lines of 4ip and 5er. Clemens is the big question mark, and the Creepers season may be in his hands. Does he have one more CY Young left in him? Right now the numbers are inconclusive (3.69era but 1.51 whip). The Man thinks that while the Rocket will rebound from last year's disappointment there will not be a record 6th Cy for the trophy case. Think 16wins, 4.00 era and 1.40 whip with 200k's.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT B/B+
While Baldwin/Tomko/Bottenfield may not be what the Creepers had hoped for out of the draft they can't complain about their combined salary of $6. Justice was cheap at $2 but it remains to be seen if he can put together a full healthy season with good numbers. Despite his groin injury, selecting Cattalanatto in the 5th round may have been the steal of the taxi. This guy could hit 20 hrs playing a full season and he can play 2nd, 3rd, and OF. If it weren't for Oates, perhaps the worst manager in the AL, he would be starting instead of filling in for Evans and Alicea. The rest of the Creeper bench is a tantalizing list of talanted players who have yet to fulfill expectations (Anderson and Branyan) or those who won't even get the chance until late 2001 (Drew and Colombe). The Creepers remain one of the best, if not the best evaluators of talent in CARP. Even with the offensive juggernaut that was the 99' Creeper offense, GM Griffiths obtained Palmeiro, Damon, and uber-prospect Vernon Wells in the off-season. While visions of spring training 500ft hr from Sexton still linger, Kip Wells looks to be the number 1 in Chicago as soon as next year.
Player to watch: As if I have to point out Erstad. Coming off a season in which he hit .260, the thirtsy one already has more multi-hit games in April than some players get in a season. MVP candidate in he played for a contender and not the weak-ass Angels.
Grab a beer when: Guzman comes off the DL. He has not been healthy in years. He's not healthy now and when he comes back he has to pitch in that homer friendly monstrosity in Tampa--you have been warned.
1ST PLACE: THE CAPITOL CITY BREWERS
LAST YEAR: CARP CHAMPION
KTS: Somebody has to win, and somebody has to lose, and somebody has to make the call. In the closest season in years the Brewers will take home the trophy for the 4th time in 6 seasons when Sidney Ponson is rocked for 8er in 3ip in a meaningless season finale against the A's. You can never be too rich or too thin. You can never have too much beer stored in your car hole and you can't have too much starting pitching. While the Brewers don't have too much, they are the deepest and most talented staff in CARP. No team can boast 3 #1's like Mussina, El Duque and Radke. That's half the staff. Olivares and Heredia are both underrated starters on a good team.
Ortiz will have his struggles early on but when Saberhagen returns in May Ortiz will become the #7 on the staff. Although it's not yet May, the Brewers staff is already beginning to dominate the ERA/WHIP standings like Bucko staff's of old. This Brewer lineup will not stir memories of the 97 team which swept every offensive catagory, but they will be right behind the Creepers most of the year. It all starts with Nomar and ARod, the class of CARP. At the corner the Brewers just continue to reload. Thome and Giambi are each threats for 40+hr. The OF, once Greer returns in from the DL in 2-3 weeks is as good as anybody's. GWilliams has been a pleasant surprise early on offsetting the sophmore slump of MVP in waiting Beltran.
KTD: The bullpen. Rivera is the best in the league but a #2 has to emerge. Shuey is confirming GM LaTour's worst fears at this point. Not only has has blown every save opportunity thus far but Karsay performace makes him look even worse. Zimmerman is a fluke and Moreno is months away from even returning to the pen for KC. The Brewers were counting on an excess of starting pitching that could be traded for a closer but Mahay has been a bust and Wakefield was sent to the bullpen for long relief the day after the draft. How long can the Brewers survive with just Rivera? The bench has also been exposed early on. When Greer went down the Brewers had nobody to go to and have only 2 picks in the first 2 supplemental drafts. In the absence of a trade, the Brewers will need productive numbers from Norton and or Lamb and Piatt. That's a tall order from that bunch.
DRAFT/MANAGEMENT B-/A-
It was feast or famine for the Brewers at this year's draft. Kennedy has thus far justified the bidding war between the Brewers and Creepers for a 2nd baseman who had never player a full season. He's on pace for .300/12hr/35sb. However, going to the wall hamstrung the Brewers for the rest of the draft as they watched helplessly as good players slipped through their hands once their bid reached $2. Thus it became bargain/bust hunting. For every GWilliams there was a Jaha, for every Molina a Lamb. Just more pressure on the pitching staff. Speaking of which, the Brewers continued to stockpile young stud pitchers. After picking Sabathia off the Creepers last year the Brewers managed to grab future stars Baez and Kim in the first two rounds. Baez is still getting his shit together, but Kim is dominating AAA and could be with Boston in July while C.C. already has 38k's in 28ip in A ball. Piatt, quickly gaining confidence during his callup makes up for the wasted pick on punk-ass Leyritz in the 9th round. You don't win 3 championships in 5 years unless you know what you're doing. The Brewers are not afraid to pull the trigger on a major deal. Last year in was Thome and El Duque. This offseason it was Giambi/Shuey and Pena (ouch!). If the Brewers stumble during the summer don't be surprised to see another blockbuster trade involving some of the young Brewer talent to capture that last CARP Cup for Captain Belle.
Player to watch: Belle. It's probably the last go round for the Capt. He wants another ring, badly. Once the weather gets warm watch out, he has a 55hr season in him yet.
Grab a beer when: Jaha limps to the plate. The Brewers were seduced by his 99' numbers and chose to ignore his injury history. You reap what you sow, in this case that would be .129 0hr 1rbi 3runs.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
2001 Pretenders / Contenders
Pretenders:
With only days remaining before the start of the regular season and the seventh glorious CARP championship run, the league has already seen its fair share of excitement. For the first time CARP held its Spring draft outside the cold clutches of the Northeast and in the warm rainy confines of Florida. Despite the new location (and bathrobes) the draft was one again marked by excessive drinking and strip clubs.
Thus without further adieu, here is the first installment of the Man's predictions for the 2001 CARP League; The Pretenders. Remember, despite past accuracy, these prediction are for entertainment purposes only, no wagering please.
7th Place: THE BERWICK WARTHOGS
THEME SONG: Satisfaction (I can't get no)
KEYS TO SUCCESS: The Hogs starting rotation is the best it has ever had. Colon and Milton are both budding aces who could produce 35+ wins between them. Moehler is one of the more underrated pitchers in the AL and both Ohka and Castilla are solid if unspectacular. Hernandez still should have a couple of years left and is a lock for 30+ saves in KC, solving the Hogs lingering closer situation. Dye bolsters an aging OF which has lacked a significant power hitter.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: How old is Sandy Alomar? Can he return to his past glory? Do strippers take drink tokens? Zaun starts the year on the DL. On second thought, maybe that's a plus. The infield is a AA meeting in the ER. Caminti, who just broke out of an 0-30 slump, will be off the wagon before Memorial day. Meanwhile Palmer can't raise his arm and may be unable to even DH on opening day. The middle is a series of question marks. Offerman and Easley will try to reverse the declining numbers and Guillen will try to prove that he wasn't the runt of the litter in the RJohnson trade. Sweeney would have to hit 80HR's to make up for his teammates.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Jones. Had a breakthrough last year with .285 19/75. Look for increased power (25HR) and more steals (only 7 last year).
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Kohlmeier comes in. Yes I've seen his minor league numbers. I've also seen his 1.7 whip from last year. It's just a matter of time before that guy becomes a human torch.
DRAFT GRADE: B+ Although he had to pay, GM Haskell did come away with both Dye and Colon, two of the most sought after players. Hernandez was a steal @$14 and I love Knoblauch in the taxi, errors don't count in CARP. I won't even get into the whole Nick Johnson debacle.
6th Place: THE CHELSEA PIRATES
THEME SONG: Whipping Post
KEYS TO SUCCESS: Catcher, corner and a pair of young A's. Thomas and Thome bring an air of respectability to the beleaguered Pirates. With both Huff and Crede in the wings this might emerge as a formidable corner in the near future. Melusky (starting the year on the DL) looks like he could put up solid numbers, the problem is that he can't catch, a problem for a catcher. Fletcher is a stud, forever playing in the shadow of Pudge. In Zito and Ortiz the Pirates have the next Finley and Alomar, high praise indeed. Whether or not GM "Hershey" Hirsch can build a winning team around them remains to be seen.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: Pitching, pitching, and Bud Selig. After Zito, Loaiza, and maybe Wilson, the Pirates staff is uglier than those two chicks at the Green Iguana on Fri. night. Who is Travis Harper and why is he on GM Hirsch's pre-draft interview tape? Sturtz, this is a man who can't beat out Ken Hill for a job! Six players, nearly 25%, of the Pirates roster are Devil Rays. Now I know that no one really knows what will happen when re-alignment comes, but do you want to risk that many players? The Pirates have just the right mix of expensive veterans, Thomas, Martinez, and Lofton, and bad young players, Gonzalez, Stynes, Giambi(the bad one), to finish sixth.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Ortiz. The runaway ROY will put up .290 15/60/80.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Gonzalez is too easy a target, I'm sick of him being the Man's whipping boy. So grab a beer when Glynn takes the mound. His stuff is crap, but Texas pitching is so bad he's guaranteed to get plenty of those 4ip 6er starts that fellow owners love to see.
DRAFT GRADE: C+ The Pirates did manage to snag top prospects Crede and Hamilton, but only after the evil GM LaTour had bid them up and ruined their farm eligibility. I like Fletcher/Melusky for $12, but what are you saving the money for? The Pirates went into the draft with as much money as anybody and didn't get a SINGLE IMPACT PLAYER. Note to owners; two hours on Jet Blue watching ESPN spring training reports does not qualify as acceptable draft preparation
5th Place: THE CAPITOL CITY BREWERS
THEME SONG: You're Time Is Gonna Come
KEYS TO SUCCESS: The corner and health. In the wake of the blockbuster trade that sent Mussina and Bernie to the Steers the Brewers finally landed a 3B in Chavez who can complement MVP Giambi. Add the chronically underachieving Ortiz to the mix (look for breakout 20+ HR year) and what has been a weakness for past Brewer teams is suddenly a strength. Even with the loss of CARP MVP Mussina, the Brewers starters are surprisingly deep. Radke, El Duque, and Ortiz are all #1's, at least in theory. Mulder and Heredia anchor a strong A's staff. Nomar looks like he'll miss at least 3 months, Kennedy starts the season on the DL and El Duque has not been healthy. However, everything could break just right and each could play a full season......right.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: The OF, once the best in CARP has fallen on tough times. Soriano will quickly be moved to MI, Greer and GWilliams, old as they are, make gay-boy Brady look young and nimble. Vinny Catilla? Just what the Brewers need at DH another old guy with fading power and no speed. Where have you gone Albert Belle?
PLAYER TO WATCH: Beltran. The lone harpoon among a case of schlitz in the Brewer outfield will bounce back with a huge season. He's been on fire in the spring. Look for it to continue with .287 24/75/100 +20SB.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: A man named Brady steps to the plate. If not for Belle's retirement Brady might be riding the bench. Did this guy really hit 50HR's one year?
DRAFT GRADE: A- Considering that the Brewers are playing for 2002, the draft was a huge success. Focusing on younger players the Brewers snagged a core of future stars in Soriano, RAnderson, Borchard, Lopez, and Crawford. Mulder was a bargain @$6. Both Hatteburg and Ortiz should put up respectably numbers given their $1 salary. The problems, Castilla at 3B/DH and no closer. 2002 can't come soon enough for the three time champs.
COMING SOON: THE CONTENDERS
It's down to the Final Four.
4th Place: THE BELTWAY BUCKOS
THEME SONG: I Fought The Law And The Law Won
KEYS TO SUCCESS: The bullpen and a revamped OF/DH narrowly place the Buckos among the Contenders. Jones and Foulke are the cream of the crop. The outfield contains as much power as any in CARP. Mondesi, Everett, Salmon and Grieve will all cross the 30HR plateau this season. Cedeno is the wild card. With Mondesi as the only other legitimate threat to steal on the roster, (Feebles has yet to prove he can stay healthy) the Buckos need 50+ steals from him, looks like another Goodwin, but with this OF he can afford to take the risk. The Buckos also enjoy perhaps the strongest bench in CARP. Richard, Rivas, Bordick, and Piatt are all available for the lineup or as trade bait.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: The infield consists of the blind leading the lame. Feebles' history is well knowna and Clark, another Bucko favorite, continues to suffer from back problems and slow starts (starts being the months of April and May). People love or hate Batista, the Man is in the latter category. I think pitchers have figured him out. Look for an avg. around .250 with decreased power numbers. While the top of the order was significantly enhanced by the addition of Burba and Sele, the rest of the staff is a mishmash of recycled vets, Hamilton and "Sticky" Mlicki, and unproven kids, Redman, Rekar etc. The Buckos are a major trade away from scaring the top three.
PLAYER TO WATCH: The Big Cat. Although he doesn't fit well with the Buckos, look for a monster year. Healthy and well protected in the Texas lineup the Man sees 40HR and 100+RBI
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Hairston steps in. This guy suffers from classic good player/bad roto syndrome. Don;t be surprised when Rivas takes his spot and the Buckos release him in the 2nd Supplemental.
DRAFT GRADE: A Nobody consistently aces the bid draft like GM Buchanan. Granted he had money to spend, but he came away with quality players at nearly ever open position; Burba, Sele, Mondesi, Hernandez. This of course begs the question--Why haven't the Buckos won since 95'. Bad trades? Not really, the Man suspects something else (can't be seen but I am making the "drinky, drinky" sign right now. Buckos also get extra credit for drafting convicted felon Toe "Trailer Boy" Nash.
3rd Place: THE PHILADELPHIA CHEESESTEAKS
THEME SONG: Someday My Price Will Come
KEYS TO SUCCESS: Can just two players on a roto roster single-handedly drag their teammates to the CARP Cup? Probably not, but Carlos and Pedro will make it interesting. Delgado will win the MVP this year and Pedro (yawn) will win another Cy Young. I also like the pen, just a notch below the Buckos. Sasaki might break the 40 save barrier now that he has drinking buddy Suzuki on board, and Wickman will get the ugliest 30 saves this side of Percival. The out of position MI, containing OF's DeShields and Valentin should produce some impressive numbers as well.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: Don't look now but another monster has reared its head at C, the "Wilherty", bastard son of the "Flahardi". Don't hold your breath for double digit HR, combined. The OF has taken a step back. Cruz is annual trade bait even with his .242 avg. Quinn is coming off a horrible spring ready to begin his sophomore slump season and if either/both falter? Then its Billy McMillon to the rescue! After the 1-3 starters, the rest are truly awful. I'm surprised that GM Welshans didn't receive a complementary fruit basket from Ismael "don't call me a pitcher" Vales for even selecting him in the taxi round. Both Carpenter and Mays are hoping to regain the form that once made them mediocre roto players. The bench consists of Meche Wright, and Eldred sitting around and comparing scars.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Pedro. Did you ever think that a roto player at $72 would be considered cheap. Last year in the AL the AVERAGE era/whip was 4.50/1.47. Pedro numbers 1.74/.737 Look for more ridiculous numbers again.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Fryman gimps back into the lineup. This "old head" put up career numbers last year. Don't look for a repeat, especially from a 3b coming back from a arm injury. With Branyan breathing down his neck Fryman might be looking to hang up the cleats.
DRAFT GRADE: B- GM Welshans didn't need much at the draft, then again, he didn't get much either. Sure bringing the 39 yr old Finley back into the fold was nice, but he also admittedly overpaid for the overhyped Sushi chef Suzuki. Velarde and Clayton were nice taxi pick-ups, but will only have a chance to contribute if a starter goes down with an injury.
2nd Place: THE BRIGHTON CREEPERS THEME SONG: I've Got Water In My Veins
KEYS TO SUCCESS: The Creepers 2000 OF may have been the best in CARP history and it returns intact. Both Ramirez and Gonzalez enter the season with something to prove, Manny, that he worth the $160M he got and Juan that he's worth more than the $140 he turned down. Those two could produce 100HR right there. Outside of Stewart, Damon and Erstad are the best 5 tool players in roto. Slot Branyan into the DH slot and the Creepers OF/DH won't miss a beat. The starting pitching also has incredible depth, if not talent. The catchers can play with anybody. Fordyce quietly had a huge year in 2000 14HR/49RBI in less than 300ab.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: The corner has fallen into serious disrepair. The Creepers were forced to reload when Palmeiro was released and Palmer was traded(that's 68HR's for those keeping track at home). The result, Olerud and Koskie?(That would be 23HR's). It's tough to win championships when you pin your hopes on the next Dave Kingman hitting 40+HR's in his first full season. Don't be surprised when GM Griffiths pulls the trigger later during the season sending some of that pitching for corner help, but the Man thinks it won't be enough to close the gap on the Steers.
PLAYER TO WATCH: The Dream Weaver. The kid just keeps getting better. By the end of this season look for 15 wins and admission into the elite club of pitchers in the AL.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Dave "Yes I dumped Halle Berry" Justice lugs all that body armor to the plate. Justice posted career numbers last year at age 34! Can you say corked bat? Please, the injury bug is due to pay a visit. If he has more than 28HR this year I'll shave my head.
DRAFT GRADE: B The Creepers got who they wanted in Koskie, but by bringing him up first among 3b they had to pay. Bichette for $1 is a good risk. The Man likes Suppan as a former owner but Mercedes gives me the shakes. Even though GM Griffiths attempted to purge most of the alcohol coursing through his system prior to the draft, enough obviously remained for the taxi round--9 Pitchers (and that's being generous to Steve Woodard, calling that man a pitcher), What? Someone already took Tomko?
CARP CHAMPION: THE TEXAS STEERS THEME SONG: What A Long Strange Trip Its Been
KEYS TO SUCCESS: Before the Man began the Contenders, each team was ranked 1-7 in 6 categories (C, CI, MI, OF/DH, SP, and RP). The Steers ranked 1st in4 and 2nd in 1. After plundering the Brewers the past two years for the likes of Helling, Pettitte and Mussina the Steers starting pitching with both Hudson and Garcia is the best in CARP. Power, finesse, wins, innings, its all there. Pudge, even paired with Shakey, would be the best in the league. For example, Posada last year hit .287 28/86. Pudge hit .347 27/83 IN 142 FEWER AB'S. For this year at least, the mantle of best MI has been passed from the Brewers to the Steers. Alomar and Vizquel combine with Tejada (who will have the second best numbers of any SS this year) to be an unstopable force up the middle.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: At this point the only weakness the Man can see lies within the Steers bullpen. Sure Koch is a stud, but you must avoid the LaTroy. Hawkins is a train wreck waiting to happen. The Steers are also walking a thin line when it comes to the depth of the club. OF is o.k with Burks and Kapler looking to contribute but the pitching could get thin fast with a couple of injuries to Karsay and the creaking elbows of Nagy, Alvarez and Suzuki. Barring injury though, the rest of CARP should be playing catch-up with the Steers all season.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Mateo. Coming back from broken leg suffered last year Mateo will prove why he is considered one of the best young prospects in the game. Think 20/20 season.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Karsay starts. Please, doesn't anybody in the Indians organization do their homework. Karsay began to break down last year due to strain on his elbow. He had Tommy John surgery in 95' and NOW they think he should be a starter?
DRAFT GRADE: B+ GM Wolfe knew the pressure was on this year and while he didn't ace the test he did pull the high "B". Alomar and Vizquel and Palmeiro may end up being the reason he edges the Creepers this year. Burks for $5 on any other team doesn't make sense, but on the Steers he fits as perfect injury insurance. Knowing that it was do or die this year for the Steer, Wolfe still had the foresight to draft Perez in the first round, a long term keeper.
With only days remaining before the start of the regular season and the seventh glorious CARP championship run, the league has already seen its fair share of excitement. For the first time CARP held its Spring draft outside the cold clutches of the Northeast and in the warm rainy confines of Florida. Despite the new location (and bathrobes) the draft was one again marked by excessive drinking and strip clubs.
Thus without further adieu, here is the first installment of the Man's predictions for the 2001 CARP League; The Pretenders. Remember, despite past accuracy, these prediction are for entertainment purposes only, no wagering please.
7th Place: THE BERWICK WARTHOGS
THEME SONG: Satisfaction (I can't get no)
KEYS TO SUCCESS: The Hogs starting rotation is the best it has ever had. Colon and Milton are both budding aces who could produce 35+ wins between them. Moehler is one of the more underrated pitchers in the AL and both Ohka and Castilla are solid if unspectacular. Hernandez still should have a couple of years left and is a lock for 30+ saves in KC, solving the Hogs lingering closer situation. Dye bolsters an aging OF which has lacked a significant power hitter.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: How old is Sandy Alomar? Can he return to his past glory? Do strippers take drink tokens? Zaun starts the year on the DL. On second thought, maybe that's a plus. The infield is a AA meeting in the ER. Caminti, who just broke out of an 0-30 slump, will be off the wagon before Memorial day. Meanwhile Palmer can't raise his arm and may be unable to even DH on opening day. The middle is a series of question marks. Offerman and Easley will try to reverse the declining numbers and Guillen will try to prove that he wasn't the runt of the litter in the RJohnson trade. Sweeney would have to hit 80HR's to make up for his teammates.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Jones. Had a breakthrough last year with .285 19/75. Look for increased power (25HR) and more steals (only 7 last year).
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Kohlmeier comes in. Yes I've seen his minor league numbers. I've also seen his 1.7 whip from last year. It's just a matter of time before that guy becomes a human torch.
DRAFT GRADE: B+ Although he had to pay, GM Haskell did come away with both Dye and Colon, two of the most sought after players. Hernandez was a steal @$14 and I love Knoblauch in the taxi, errors don't count in CARP. I won't even get into the whole Nick Johnson debacle.
6th Place: THE CHELSEA PIRATES
THEME SONG: Whipping Post
KEYS TO SUCCESS: Catcher, corner and a pair of young A's. Thomas and Thome bring an air of respectability to the beleaguered Pirates. With both Huff and Crede in the wings this might emerge as a formidable corner in the near future. Melusky (starting the year on the DL) looks like he could put up solid numbers, the problem is that he can't catch, a problem for a catcher. Fletcher is a stud, forever playing in the shadow of Pudge. In Zito and Ortiz the Pirates have the next Finley and Alomar, high praise indeed. Whether or not GM "Hershey" Hirsch can build a winning team around them remains to be seen.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: Pitching, pitching, and Bud Selig. After Zito, Loaiza, and maybe Wilson, the Pirates staff is uglier than those two chicks at the Green Iguana on Fri. night. Who is Travis Harper and why is he on GM Hirsch's pre-draft interview tape? Sturtz, this is a man who can't beat out Ken Hill for a job! Six players, nearly 25%, of the Pirates roster are Devil Rays. Now I know that no one really knows what will happen when re-alignment comes, but do you want to risk that many players? The Pirates have just the right mix of expensive veterans, Thomas, Martinez, and Lofton, and bad young players, Gonzalez, Stynes, Giambi(the bad one), to finish sixth.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Ortiz. The runaway ROY will put up .290 15/60/80.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Gonzalez is too easy a target, I'm sick of him being the Man's whipping boy. So grab a beer when Glynn takes the mound. His stuff is crap, but Texas pitching is so bad he's guaranteed to get plenty of those 4ip 6er starts that fellow owners love to see.
DRAFT GRADE: C+ The Pirates did manage to snag top prospects Crede and Hamilton, but only after the evil GM LaTour had bid them up and ruined their farm eligibility. I like Fletcher/Melusky for $12, but what are you saving the money for? The Pirates went into the draft with as much money as anybody and didn't get a SINGLE IMPACT PLAYER. Note to owners; two hours on Jet Blue watching ESPN spring training reports does not qualify as acceptable draft preparation
5th Place: THE CAPITOL CITY BREWERS
THEME SONG: You're Time Is Gonna Come
KEYS TO SUCCESS: The corner and health. In the wake of the blockbuster trade that sent Mussina and Bernie to the Steers the Brewers finally landed a 3B in Chavez who can complement MVP Giambi. Add the chronically underachieving Ortiz to the mix (look for breakout 20+ HR year) and what has been a weakness for past Brewer teams is suddenly a strength. Even with the loss of CARP MVP Mussina, the Brewers starters are surprisingly deep. Radke, El Duque, and Ortiz are all #1's, at least in theory. Mulder and Heredia anchor a strong A's staff. Nomar looks like he'll miss at least 3 months, Kennedy starts the season on the DL and El Duque has not been healthy. However, everything could break just right and each could play a full season......right.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: The OF, once the best in CARP has fallen on tough times. Soriano will quickly be moved to MI, Greer and GWilliams, old as they are, make gay-boy Brady look young and nimble. Vinny Catilla? Just what the Brewers need at DH another old guy with fading power and no speed. Where have you gone Albert Belle?
PLAYER TO WATCH: Beltran. The lone harpoon among a case of schlitz in the Brewer outfield will bounce back with a huge season. He's been on fire in the spring. Look for it to continue with .287 24/75/100 +20SB.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: A man named Brady steps to the plate. If not for Belle's retirement Brady might be riding the bench. Did this guy really hit 50HR's one year?
DRAFT GRADE: A- Considering that the Brewers are playing for 2002, the draft was a huge success. Focusing on younger players the Brewers snagged a core of future stars in Soriano, RAnderson, Borchard, Lopez, and Crawford. Mulder was a bargain @$6. Both Hatteburg and Ortiz should put up respectably numbers given their $1 salary. The problems, Castilla at 3B/DH and no closer. 2002 can't come soon enough for the three time champs.
COMING SOON: THE CONTENDERS
It's down to the Final Four.
4th Place: THE BELTWAY BUCKOS
THEME SONG: I Fought The Law And The Law Won
KEYS TO SUCCESS: The bullpen and a revamped OF/DH narrowly place the Buckos among the Contenders. Jones and Foulke are the cream of the crop. The outfield contains as much power as any in CARP. Mondesi, Everett, Salmon and Grieve will all cross the 30HR plateau this season. Cedeno is the wild card. With Mondesi as the only other legitimate threat to steal on the roster, (Feebles has yet to prove he can stay healthy) the Buckos need 50+ steals from him, looks like another Goodwin, but with this OF he can afford to take the risk. The Buckos also enjoy perhaps the strongest bench in CARP. Richard, Rivas, Bordick, and Piatt are all available for the lineup or as trade bait.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: The infield consists of the blind leading the lame. Feebles' history is well knowna and Clark, another Bucko favorite, continues to suffer from back problems and slow starts (starts being the months of April and May). People love or hate Batista, the Man is in the latter category. I think pitchers have figured him out. Look for an avg. around .250 with decreased power numbers. While the top of the order was significantly enhanced by the addition of Burba and Sele, the rest of the staff is a mishmash of recycled vets, Hamilton and "Sticky" Mlicki, and unproven kids, Redman, Rekar etc. The Buckos are a major trade away from scaring the top three.
PLAYER TO WATCH: The Big Cat. Although he doesn't fit well with the Buckos, look for a monster year. Healthy and well protected in the Texas lineup the Man sees 40HR and 100+RBI
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Hairston steps in. This guy suffers from classic good player/bad roto syndrome. Don;t be surprised when Rivas takes his spot and the Buckos release him in the 2nd Supplemental.
DRAFT GRADE: A Nobody consistently aces the bid draft like GM Buchanan. Granted he had money to spend, but he came away with quality players at nearly ever open position; Burba, Sele, Mondesi, Hernandez. This of course begs the question--Why haven't the Buckos won since 95'. Bad trades? Not really, the Man suspects something else (can't be seen but I am making the "drinky, drinky" sign right now. Buckos also get extra credit for drafting convicted felon Toe "Trailer Boy" Nash.
3rd Place: THE PHILADELPHIA CHEESESTEAKS
THEME SONG: Someday My Price Will Come
KEYS TO SUCCESS: Can just two players on a roto roster single-handedly drag their teammates to the CARP Cup? Probably not, but Carlos and Pedro will make it interesting. Delgado will win the MVP this year and Pedro (yawn) will win another Cy Young. I also like the pen, just a notch below the Buckos. Sasaki might break the 40 save barrier now that he has drinking buddy Suzuki on board, and Wickman will get the ugliest 30 saves this side of Percival. The out of position MI, containing OF's DeShields and Valentin should produce some impressive numbers as well.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: Don't look now but another monster has reared its head at C, the "Wilherty", bastard son of the "Flahardi". Don't hold your breath for double digit HR, combined. The OF has taken a step back. Cruz is annual trade bait even with his .242 avg. Quinn is coming off a horrible spring ready to begin his sophomore slump season and if either/both falter? Then its Billy McMillon to the rescue! After the 1-3 starters, the rest are truly awful. I'm surprised that GM Welshans didn't receive a complementary fruit basket from Ismael "don't call me a pitcher" Vales for even selecting him in the taxi round. Both Carpenter and Mays are hoping to regain the form that once made them mediocre roto players. The bench consists of Meche Wright, and Eldred sitting around and comparing scars.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Pedro. Did you ever think that a roto player at $72 would be considered cheap. Last year in the AL the AVERAGE era/whip was 4.50/1.47. Pedro numbers 1.74/.737 Look for more ridiculous numbers again.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Fryman gimps back into the lineup. This "old head" put up career numbers last year. Don't look for a repeat, especially from a 3b coming back from a arm injury. With Branyan breathing down his neck Fryman might be looking to hang up the cleats.
DRAFT GRADE: B- GM Welshans didn't need much at the draft, then again, he didn't get much either. Sure bringing the 39 yr old Finley back into the fold was nice, but he also admittedly overpaid for the overhyped Sushi chef Suzuki. Velarde and Clayton were nice taxi pick-ups, but will only have a chance to contribute if a starter goes down with an injury.
2nd Place: THE BRIGHTON CREEPERS THEME SONG: I've Got Water In My Veins
KEYS TO SUCCESS: The Creepers 2000 OF may have been the best in CARP history and it returns intact. Both Ramirez and Gonzalez enter the season with something to prove, Manny, that he worth the $160M he got and Juan that he's worth more than the $140 he turned down. Those two could produce 100HR right there. Outside of Stewart, Damon and Erstad are the best 5 tool players in roto. Slot Branyan into the DH slot and the Creepers OF/DH won't miss a beat. The starting pitching also has incredible depth, if not talent. The catchers can play with anybody. Fordyce quietly had a huge year in 2000 14HR/49RBI in less than 300ab.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: The corner has fallen into serious disrepair. The Creepers were forced to reload when Palmeiro was released and Palmer was traded(that's 68HR's for those keeping track at home). The result, Olerud and Koskie?(That would be 23HR's). It's tough to win championships when you pin your hopes on the next Dave Kingman hitting 40+HR's in his first full season. Don't be surprised when GM Griffiths pulls the trigger later during the season sending some of that pitching for corner help, but the Man thinks it won't be enough to close the gap on the Steers.
PLAYER TO WATCH: The Dream Weaver. The kid just keeps getting better. By the end of this season look for 15 wins and admission into the elite club of pitchers in the AL.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Dave "Yes I dumped Halle Berry" Justice lugs all that body armor to the plate. Justice posted career numbers last year at age 34! Can you say corked bat? Please, the injury bug is due to pay a visit. If he has more than 28HR this year I'll shave my head.
DRAFT GRADE: B The Creepers got who they wanted in Koskie, but by bringing him up first among 3b they had to pay. Bichette for $1 is a good risk. The Man likes Suppan as a former owner but Mercedes gives me the shakes. Even though GM Griffiths attempted to purge most of the alcohol coursing through his system prior to the draft, enough obviously remained for the taxi round--9 Pitchers (and that's being generous to Steve Woodard, calling that man a pitcher), What? Someone already took Tomko?
CARP CHAMPION: THE TEXAS STEERS THEME SONG: What A Long Strange Trip Its Been
KEYS TO SUCCESS: Before the Man began the Contenders, each team was ranked 1-7 in 6 categories (C, CI, MI, OF/DH, SP, and RP). The Steers ranked 1st in4 and 2nd in 1. After plundering the Brewers the past two years for the likes of Helling, Pettitte and Mussina the Steers starting pitching with both Hudson and Garcia is the best in CARP. Power, finesse, wins, innings, its all there. Pudge, even paired with Shakey, would be the best in the league. For example, Posada last year hit .287 28/86. Pudge hit .347 27/83 IN 142 FEWER AB'S. For this year at least, the mantle of best MI has been passed from the Brewers to the Steers. Alomar and Vizquel combine with Tejada (who will have the second best numbers of any SS this year) to be an unstopable force up the middle.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: At this point the only weakness the Man can see lies within the Steers bullpen. Sure Koch is a stud, but you must avoid the LaTroy. Hawkins is a train wreck waiting to happen. The Steers are also walking a thin line when it comes to the depth of the club. OF is o.k with Burks and Kapler looking to contribute but the pitching could get thin fast with a couple of injuries to Karsay and the creaking elbows of Nagy, Alvarez and Suzuki. Barring injury though, the rest of CARP should be playing catch-up with the Steers all season.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Mateo. Coming back from broken leg suffered last year Mateo will prove why he is considered one of the best young prospects in the game. Think 20/20 season.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Karsay starts. Please, doesn't anybody in the Indians organization do their homework. Karsay began to break down last year due to strain on his elbow. He had Tommy John surgery in 95' and NOW they think he should be a starter?
DRAFT GRADE: B+ GM Wolfe knew the pressure was on this year and while he didn't ace the test he did pull the high "B". Alomar and Vizquel and Palmeiro may end up being the reason he edges the Creepers this year. Burks for $5 on any other team doesn't make sense, but on the Steers he fits as perfect injury insurance. Knowing that it was do or die this year for the Steer, Wolfe still had the foresight to draft Perez in the first round, a long term keeper.
2002 Pretenders / Contenders
Pretenders:
Well if its snowing out in April then it must be opening day. Yes its
that time of year once again. A time when young men's minds turn to cheap
beer, obscure minor leaguers, and of course, strippers. Its time for the
8th season of CARP.
From the league's humble beginnings inside my apartment in Arlington
Virgina in the Spring of 95' to our current state of affairs, my home in
Philly, not a whole lot has changed. Owners have come and gone; Brooks, Ken
Curtis (CARP apparently ruined his marriage), some Indian kid who Wolfe knew
that blew off the draft; and some teams have changed names and locations;
the Waverly Warthogs, Al's Tail, Mexico City Matadors, and who could forget
the Roslyn Shadowcasters.
Yet through it all there remained the constants; strippers (for the
most part), Ian booting on Sat or Sun morning (or both) and the Contenders
and Pretenders.
Thus without further aideu, I present to my fellow owners the Pretenders
2002. As a side note, despite The Man's uncanny accuracy, last year's pick
The Steers went on to capture the cup, I must remind all that these picks
are purely for recreational purposes, please no wagering. Warning: this
year's theme is Hollywood.
7TH PLACE:THE TEXAS STEERS
If the Steers were a movie they would be: Panic Room
Seriously, has you ever seen the downfall of a franchise ever happen this
quickly? I mean the 2002 Steers make Enron look like a well oiled Fortune
500 company.
KEYS TO SUCCESS: The fact that we now have 5 supplemental drafts instead of
3? I kid because I love. Yeah, the Steers are 2001 Champs, now what. Well
the MI is a place to start. Tejada/Durham/McLemore is among the best in the
league. Tejada just keeps getting better, although the loss of Giambi/Damon
in that lineup will hurt. Still this year only ARod will have better power
numbers. Durham is poised to have one of those contract walk years, look
for career highs in every category. McLemore will quitely have another very
good year with 30 stealth steals. Hold that trophy high boys.
KEYS TO DISTRESS:Does Mr. Wolfe wake at night in sweat soaked sheets
screaming "SPIEZIO, I HAVE SCOTT SPIEZIO AT FIRST BASE"? No really I want
to know. Did Wolfe follow the Wayne Huizenga blueprint? I mean when he
released Palmeiro and Konerko did he really plan on replacing them with
Speizio and Palmer? In a way the CI is a microcosim of the Steers--first to
worst. But wait there's more. The OF features an injured volcano(Everett)
and the wrong Giambi. Fordyce lost his job in spring training (the bad
news) but found out that he didn't have cancer,yea!(the good news). When
the best thing about your players is that they don't have life-threatening
diseases you might want to get out that rebuilding plan.
PLAYERS TO WATCH: Durham is too easy a choice so I'm going with Hudson. If
it weren't for his April's the past two seasons he might already have a Cy
Young. He puts is all together this year..20+ wins with a 3.00era and
200+k's.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Abbott takes this mound. Let the record reflect that I am
writing this on April 8th. Abbott sucks, period. His 17 wins were a
disgrace last year. The Mariners scored 9 runs a game for him. Stephen
Hawking could win 10 games with that run support.
DRAFT GRADE: D
Here is the real problem. Wolfe drunk with power from his 2001 campaigne
and secure with the knowledge that his legacy will be immortalized on the
trophy simply mails his draft in. Sele for $20, um is that what he was
before you released him? Palmer, Daubach, Tucker, Park for $39. Do I
really need to go on? It's like playing three card monty with a retard.
Seriously, if the Steers don't get Edgar for $1 their draft is an F.
6TH PLACE:THE BERWICK WARTHOGS
If the Hogs were a movie they ould be: Big Trouble
As in "If Dye misses the season, the Hogs are in..."
KEYS TO SUCCESS: It looks like GM Haskell has solved the C problem. I don't
think that Hall puts up ROY numbers this year, but soon. He and Melusky can
combine for 30 hrs easy, not too shabby in a weak field. Plus he's cheap.
The OF is interesting, and perhaps I don't give it enough credit ranking the
Hogs this low. If Dye can come back healthy then along with Erstad and
Lofton he makes this a respectable bunch. If Jones finally comes through
(he was The Man's player to watch from last year, thanks Jacques) and Knobby
steals 30, this OF could be top 3 in the league. But that's a lot of "IF's"
to be ranked any higher.
KEYS TO DISTRESS:Pitching depth. And I mean depth. I know Mussina,
Pettitte, Milton is a formidable trio, but when you look around CARP almost
every team has a solid 1-2-3. What separates contenders from pretenders is
depth, who do you have at 5-6-7 in your rotation. Or as Mr Haskell would
say "I have Pinerio, Wright, and Garland". Now smile when you say that.
Two of those guys have tickets to the bullpen and I'm betting that Garland's
is one-way. By the way the CI looks pretty good...in 2004.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Sweeney Todd. I mean is there a more underappreciated 1B
in CARP? All this guy does is put up incredible numbers on a very crappy
team. Even so he just signed a new contract and even if he batted cleanup
for that lame team that Keaneu Reeves coaches in Hardball he'd still get
100rbi. Of course this assumes the opposition doesn't walk him 150 times to
get to Joe Randa.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Easley lumbers to the plate. Has a player ever lived so
long on one good season? I know that he's only $1 but don't the Hogs have
any stat books with numbers after 1998?
DRAFT GRADE: B+
Although he paid a premium, Mussina was the prize of the draft. Even so the
Hogs managed to pick up Pettite at a fair price and Guarardo for a buck. He
saved money in the MI and that will cost him. I think Kenndey will bounce
back but Perez? Thank God he also picked up Berroa. Speaking of prospects
the Hogs had their best draft of talent in years. While I think several
players were taken too early, Jimmy Gobble still has a paper route, Mauer,
Cuddyer, Hudson and Stephens could all produce in the not so distant future
and finally raise the Hogs into contender status.
5th PLACE: The Beltway Buckos
If the Buckos were a movie they would be: A Beautiful Mind
You know, one of those "feel good" movies that get all that Oscar buzz but
when you look close you find out that the movie is only "based" on a true
story and that the Russell Crowe character was actually an anti-semetic pill
popping whore monger.
KEYS TO SUCCESS: Pitching (pedro), pitching (pedro), and pitching. Did
anybody hear about Pedro's shoulder. Will the real Dominican please stand
up? Even Pedro at 75% is better than most at 100%. But ignore Pedro if you
can. The strength of the staff is the depth. Sabathia, Johnson, and
Washburn are legitimate #1's. They are not sexy, but they get the job done.
Plus Baez and Towers ave been through a season before and that experience
will translate to 28 wins between the two. Even if some of the youngsters
falter (see Prokopec outing tonight) the Buckos can always trot out Erikson,
atleast until his surgically repaired elbow snaps like a cheap rubber band
some time in August. The bullpen should also produce 65 saves without
breaking a sweat, or in Escobar's case, without feeling a pulse.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: What's the difference between the Bucko's OF and a $2
whore? After she fucks you, the whore says thank you. Really, Bernie can't
hit 100hrs. I was in the supermarket yesterday and Jose Macias's photo was
on the back of a milk carton. Somebody needs to drug test Justice right
now, I'm serious. What the hell is he doing? Freebasing viagra and coke,
those numbers can't last. But wait there's hope, the bench has Vaughn,
Rowand and Singleton (INSERT OWN JOKE HERE). Where is the power? I like
Catalonotto because he qualifies at 2B, not because he qualifies at OF.
PLAYER TO WATCH: NoooooMaaaaHaaaRRRRRRR. That fucker. And not because I
traded him. He's over the wrist injury and back with a vengence. You just
know that if I'd kept him he would have needed surgery by now. Put 30hr in
the book, easy.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Batista digs in. If the Orioles didn't have such a
retarded farm system this guy would be flipping burgers right now. That
stance? Give me a break. Released at the end of the year and the O's sign
free agent Rolen to play third---write this down.
DRAFT GRADE: Gentleman's B
This is usually an area in which the Buckos excell. Not so this year but
not bad. Pedro(at the time), Palmeiro, and Bernie were all great picks but
not exactly the bargin bin ($130!). Baez @$17? I like Kapler, good fill in
when Everett goes crazy and kills Rocker in front of his teammates.
Prospects--well that Drew Henson sure can throw a football. Infante? What
was Gary DiSarcina already taken? I guess I can admit that Roberts sucks
now that he's not on my team anymore. Not really up to Bucko standards.
STAY TUNED FOR THE CONTENDERS 2002.
Contenders:
Last Saturday afternoon as I sat in the Fenway bleachers under a beautiful cloudless sky, sipping an ice cold beer, an ugly reality slowly seeped into my brain. The scoreboard on the green monster had zeros across the board for the lowly Devil Rays. Derek Lowe, the pitcher for my beloved Red Sox and the cursed Creepers had pitched a no-hitter for 8 2/3 innings. Lowe was one out away from the first no-hitter in Fenway since 1965. I was about to witness history. Not only was I about to witness a no-hitter, a rare feat, it was by a Red Sox in Fenway, something that no baseball fan of my generation had ever witnessed, let alone in person. Then I heard it, over the PA came the words, "Now batting, right fielder Jason Tyner, right field, Tyner."
That is fantasy baseball in a nutshell. I had just activiated Tyner for the week for an injured Ortiz. The Sox were smoking the Rays 10-0 and Lowe had a no-hitter. But in the back of my mind there was a part, a very small part really, but a part that was hoping that Tyner would put one in the screen. Of course he didn't, Tyner grounded to second and the game was history. God-damn Creepers. It also made me realize that May was fast approaching and I had not completed the Contenders for 02. Thus I present the final four for the 8th season of CARP.
4th Place: The Chelsea Pirates
Keys to Success: Pitching and pitching. Up and down the rotation the Pirates have proven to be a strong blend of proven producers and surprise (or is that fluke) successes. We all knew about Colon and Zito but Suppan and Appier? Even Baldwin and George has shown that decent numbers don't have to cost you much. Plus, is there another team in CARP that gets as much bang for their buck from the pen. Julio looks like the second coming of Benitez, and as long as Yan doen't get traded to a contender as a set up man he will continue to get saves in the rare situation when the Rays have a late inning lead.
Keys to distress: Well the infield is pretty much a disaster area. Blalock will be fine, in 2003, and Thome always heats up with the weather, but the rest is roadkill. Pudge and Young have already gone down with serious injuries. Abernathy and Bush couldn't make the team from "Major League" the movie, let alone a real major league team. Moreover, there is no bench. GM Hirsch deserves credit for dragging the Pirates out of the second division but when his team has a chance to make some noise and he spends his only supp. pick on Joe Torres it makes you wonder if there is a method to the madness or is he just throwing darts at the board?
Player to watch: Hunter. I know that this is a pussy pick since he is already tied for the league lead in HR's, but this pick says he keeps up the pace. He always put up monster numbers in the minors. How bout' 30-30 this year?
Grab a beer when: Salmon pinch hits. There is done, well-done, burnt to a crisp, and then there's Salmon.
Draft Grade: A-
Granted the Pirates draft looked a lot better three weeks ago with their injuries but hindsight is 20-20, unless you're Ian, in which case its more like 25-20. Anyway, the A- comes as much from the small ticket as the big ticket items. Colon for $41 and The Big Skirt for $15 were bargins at the 2002 draft, with inflation run amuk. Julio might end up being the bargin of the draft when we look back from the poolside next year. In addition Hershey picked up Sturtze and Appier for less than $10 combined. Probably a better long term deal than either Wilson at $13 or Baez at $17. The only problem was the Pirates refusing to learn from their past mistakes and continuing to draft "prospects" Crede and Hamilton. Hello? Maybe we can arrange for a bedside sit-down next year between Hirsch and Josh Hamilton, kind of like those scared straight programs they have for kids, except Hirsch could see up close just how tough it is to make the majors lying on your back in a hospital.
3rd Place: The Philly Cheesesteaks
Keys to success: Mussina and an OF than can't continue to suck like a $3 whore for the rest of the season. I apologise to our more sensitive readers for the use of the word "whore" but it is a personal favorite of The Man. I will say it for the fourth staright year, Mussina will win the Cy Young. Wait, I forgot that fat redneck won last year, make that Mussina should win the Cy Young but probably won't because the sportswriters who vote are lazy, slack-jawed, knee jerk front runners. How can an offense that has Ordonez, Ichiero(sp?) and Cruz in the OF not be in first place in a single offensive category? Well, quite simply it can't for long. I mean does anybody here think that Jay Gibbons outhomers Ordonez? Really, please raise your hand I have some land to sell you. Oh, yeah the bullpen in the best in CARP, the regular Odd couple, Sasaki and Urbina, they should make them live together and film it a la "The Osbournes". I'm serious, I'd watch.
Keys to distress: The fact that the Steaks have five starters not named either Mussina or Garcia. We all knew that Satan was going to cash in that policy that Joe Mays took out last year. You know the one that says in exchange for your elbow at some future point I shall grant you a season beyond your wildest dreams, well Joe time to pay up. That leaves Steve Sparks as the ace of the back five which features Loshe, Hiljus, Valdes and Castillo. I'm sure that the Hall is right now placing orders for all their plaques in Cooperstown. Maybe Mr. Welshans has another trade up he sleeve, just bring your drink with you to the bathroom when your at the bar with the Steaks.
Player to watch: Ordonez=MVP. Everybody is jumping on The Man's bandwagon, but I called this back in Feb. Really, watch him go 40-40 just like that guy who used to play for the A's...What was his name?
Grab a beer when: Chris Carpenter ever gets off the DL. That's probably the best place for him. 23ERA and 3.8Whip, are those numbers for real?
Draft grade: C
What is wrong with this picture: Owner goes to draft with $100 to spend. Owner leaves draft with $50 in pocket. Owner cries in beer. Well except for the crying part, lots. Will somebody please tell Mr. Welshans that we are not playing with real money and there is no luxury tax in CARP. After Uggy the Steaks biggest draft acqusition was Ventura for $1. Arthur Rhodes in the bid draft? Make that C-.
2nd Place: The Capitol City Brewers
Keys to success: The best infield in CARP. Maybe the best infield ever assembled in CARP history, with apologies to the 2000 Creepers. ARod is simply the best player in the game right now, and Soriano may be second best by the end of the year. Chavez/Konerko/Giambi might all split MVP votes amongst themselves and Lopez has quitely put together an impressive first month more homers (4) than the CARP MVP (Garciaparra 3) he replaced. The OF is solid if unspectacular. Cameron and Beltran provide a nice balance of power and speed, and Gibbons is on pace to break Maris' record right now.
Keys to distress: Pitching and speed. A month into the season GM LaTour has managed to patch together a staff of emerging prospects and aging veterans which currently rank second in wins and era, and third in whip. Luck? Magic? Skill? Probably a combination of all three. The Brewers best starter is on the DL and looking like he won't repeat his breakout 21 win performance of 01. Moreover, both Rauch and the Space Needle have not stepped up to shoulder the load. Without a truly dominant number 1 starter how long can the Brewers hope to keep pace with the Creepers. How long can Ponson, Wilson, and the Gambler put up decent numbers? Like the song says "you got to know when to fold'em, know when to walk away, know when to run." The Brewers also lack speed outside of Beltran/Soriano. Without another steal threat, Tyner has already been released, the best the Brewers can hope for is a Clemens groin injury (yea!) or second place.
Player to watch: Grieve. The man has been to hell and back. From Rookie of the year in 98 to 11hrs last year. He already has 6 in a lineup in which he could be walked twice a game. Watch him bounce back with 25hr/90rbi.
Grab a beer when: Finley takes the mound. Finley will be much more fun to watch on CourtTV this season than ESPN. Either way he going to get bitch-slapped a lot.
Draft Grade: B+
The Brewers entered the draft needing power and pitching. While they got Konerko for the bargin price of $30 they failed to get a power arm, ending up with Burkett/Wilson for a combined $16 The taxi round has already proven to be a success with Ponson/Rogers/Wilson all contributing early and Morneau raking the ball in AA once the doctors removed the tubes from his stomach.
CARP Champion: The Brighton Creepers
Keys to success: Starting pitching, both quality and depth. No other CARP team can boast of having 5! #1 pitchers. Right now nothing can derail the Creepers pitching except injuries. Not only are the pitchers studs, but with the exception of Weaver, they all play for decent teams which translates into wins. When the OF returns to full strength, watch out. With Juanderful on the DL the Creepers have given the Brewers a running start in the power categories but it won't last. I mean when it comes down to it are you going to take Ramirez/Damon/Gonzalez/Stewart or Beltran/Cameron/Grieve/Gibbons? I am I right or am I right? right? right?
Keys to distress: The corner and the pen. Olerud/Segui/Koskie doesn't scare a whole lot of people except GM Griffiths. Olerud and Koskie are coming off of career years that they will not, repeat, will not duplicate. Segui, after spending years at the Caseco school for stalled careers, has finally perfected the posture, frosted hair and all, of the injured, underachieving roto player. The pen may end up costing or delivering the trophy to the Creepers. Percival is the west coast Urbina. Sucking down Mallox and coffee milkshakes in the pen, you don't know if your getting a 1-2-3 save or walk off HR. Talk about glutton for punishment, Irabu, that fat toad has found a new way to make the Creepers sweat. Its just a shame that Rocker got sent down before he became the closer.
Player to watch: Damon. For all the hype this guy receives he really only had one great year, until this year. Damon and the Sox are the perfect match and his traditional slow start is a memory. Look for 110runs and 40SB.
Grab a beer when: Rondell White wheels himself to the plate. I refuse to believe that this man can stay healthy for an entire season, more so with the Yankees. God just wouldn't be that cruel to do that, would he?
Draft grade: B-
The Creepers had few holes to fill. Eckstein was a steal (no pun intended) and he's been 50/50 on the Hernandez/White gamble. So why the B-, well depth. The only reason the Creepers are not in first is because they spent 7 of 9 taxi picks on prospects. The result: no replacement for Gonzo and Singleton/Winn at DH. Teixeria might have been a good pick for $1, but John FordGriffin and Ken Harvey? Oh right they have already been released. Luckily there are still 4 more supplemental drafts.
Well if its snowing out in April then it must be opening day. Yes its
that time of year once again. A time when young men's minds turn to cheap
beer, obscure minor leaguers, and of course, strippers. Its time for the
8th season of CARP.
From the league's humble beginnings inside my apartment in Arlington
Virgina in the Spring of 95' to our current state of affairs, my home in
Philly, not a whole lot has changed. Owners have come and gone; Brooks, Ken
Curtis (CARP apparently ruined his marriage), some Indian kid who Wolfe knew
that blew off the draft; and some teams have changed names and locations;
the Waverly Warthogs, Al's Tail, Mexico City Matadors, and who could forget
the Roslyn Shadowcasters.
Yet through it all there remained the constants; strippers (for the
most part), Ian booting on Sat or Sun morning (or both) and the Contenders
and Pretenders.
Thus without further aideu, I present to my fellow owners the Pretenders
2002. As a side note, despite The Man's uncanny accuracy, last year's pick
The Steers went on to capture the cup, I must remind all that these picks
are purely for recreational purposes, please no wagering. Warning: this
year's theme is Hollywood.
7TH PLACE:THE TEXAS STEERS
If the Steers were a movie they would be: Panic Room
Seriously, has you ever seen the downfall of a franchise ever happen this
quickly? I mean the 2002 Steers make Enron look like a well oiled Fortune
500 company.
KEYS TO SUCCESS: The fact that we now have 5 supplemental drafts instead of
3? I kid because I love. Yeah, the Steers are 2001 Champs, now what. Well
the MI is a place to start. Tejada/Durham/McLemore is among the best in the
league. Tejada just keeps getting better, although the loss of Giambi/Damon
in that lineup will hurt. Still this year only ARod will have better power
numbers. Durham is poised to have one of those contract walk years, look
for career highs in every category. McLemore will quitely have another very
good year with 30 stealth steals. Hold that trophy high boys.
KEYS TO DISTRESS:Does Mr. Wolfe wake at night in sweat soaked sheets
screaming "SPIEZIO, I HAVE SCOTT SPIEZIO AT FIRST BASE"? No really I want
to know. Did Wolfe follow the Wayne Huizenga blueprint? I mean when he
released Palmeiro and Konerko did he really plan on replacing them with
Speizio and Palmer? In a way the CI is a microcosim of the Steers--first to
worst. But wait there's more. The OF features an injured volcano(Everett)
and the wrong Giambi. Fordyce lost his job in spring training (the bad
news) but found out that he didn't have cancer,yea!(the good news). When
the best thing about your players is that they don't have life-threatening
diseases you might want to get out that rebuilding plan.
PLAYERS TO WATCH: Durham is too easy a choice so I'm going with Hudson. If
it weren't for his April's the past two seasons he might already have a Cy
Young. He puts is all together this year..20+ wins with a 3.00era and
200+k's.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Abbott takes this mound. Let the record reflect that I am
writing this on April 8th. Abbott sucks, period. His 17 wins were a
disgrace last year. The Mariners scored 9 runs a game for him. Stephen
Hawking could win 10 games with that run support.
DRAFT GRADE: D
Here is the real problem. Wolfe drunk with power from his 2001 campaigne
and secure with the knowledge that his legacy will be immortalized on the
trophy simply mails his draft in. Sele for $20, um is that what he was
before you released him? Palmer, Daubach, Tucker, Park for $39. Do I
really need to go on? It's like playing three card monty with a retard.
Seriously, if the Steers don't get Edgar for $1 their draft is an F.
6TH PLACE:THE BERWICK WARTHOGS
If the Hogs were a movie they ould be: Big Trouble
As in "If Dye misses the season, the Hogs are in..."
KEYS TO SUCCESS: It looks like GM Haskell has solved the C problem. I don't
think that Hall puts up ROY numbers this year, but soon. He and Melusky can
combine for 30 hrs easy, not too shabby in a weak field. Plus he's cheap.
The OF is interesting, and perhaps I don't give it enough credit ranking the
Hogs this low. If Dye can come back healthy then along with Erstad and
Lofton he makes this a respectable bunch. If Jones finally comes through
(he was The Man's player to watch from last year, thanks Jacques) and Knobby
steals 30, this OF could be top 3 in the league. But that's a lot of "IF's"
to be ranked any higher.
KEYS TO DISTRESS:Pitching depth. And I mean depth. I know Mussina,
Pettitte, Milton is a formidable trio, but when you look around CARP almost
every team has a solid 1-2-3. What separates contenders from pretenders is
depth, who do you have at 5-6-7 in your rotation. Or as Mr Haskell would
say "I have Pinerio, Wright, and Garland". Now smile when you say that.
Two of those guys have tickets to the bullpen and I'm betting that Garland's
is one-way. By the way the CI looks pretty good...in 2004.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Sweeney Todd. I mean is there a more underappreciated 1B
in CARP? All this guy does is put up incredible numbers on a very crappy
team. Even so he just signed a new contract and even if he batted cleanup
for that lame team that Keaneu Reeves coaches in Hardball he'd still get
100rbi. Of course this assumes the opposition doesn't walk him 150 times to
get to Joe Randa.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Easley lumbers to the plate. Has a player ever lived so
long on one good season? I know that he's only $1 but don't the Hogs have
any stat books with numbers after 1998?
DRAFT GRADE: B+
Although he paid a premium, Mussina was the prize of the draft. Even so the
Hogs managed to pick up Pettite at a fair price and Guarardo for a buck. He
saved money in the MI and that will cost him. I think Kenndey will bounce
back but Perez? Thank God he also picked up Berroa. Speaking of prospects
the Hogs had their best draft of talent in years. While I think several
players were taken too early, Jimmy Gobble still has a paper route, Mauer,
Cuddyer, Hudson and Stephens could all produce in the not so distant future
and finally raise the Hogs into contender status.
5th PLACE: The Beltway Buckos
If the Buckos were a movie they would be: A Beautiful Mind
You know, one of those "feel good" movies that get all that Oscar buzz but
when you look close you find out that the movie is only "based" on a true
story and that the Russell Crowe character was actually an anti-semetic pill
popping whore monger.
KEYS TO SUCCESS: Pitching (pedro), pitching (pedro), and pitching. Did
anybody hear about Pedro's shoulder. Will the real Dominican please stand
up? Even Pedro at 75% is better than most at 100%. But ignore Pedro if you
can. The strength of the staff is the depth. Sabathia, Johnson, and
Washburn are legitimate #1's. They are not sexy, but they get the job done.
Plus Baez and Towers ave been through a season before and that experience
will translate to 28 wins between the two. Even if some of the youngsters
falter (see Prokopec outing tonight) the Buckos can always trot out Erikson,
atleast until his surgically repaired elbow snaps like a cheap rubber band
some time in August. The bullpen should also produce 65 saves without
breaking a sweat, or in Escobar's case, without feeling a pulse.
KEYS TO DISTRESS: What's the difference between the Bucko's OF and a $2
whore? After she fucks you, the whore says thank you. Really, Bernie can't
hit 100hrs. I was in the supermarket yesterday and Jose Macias's photo was
on the back of a milk carton. Somebody needs to drug test Justice right
now, I'm serious. What the hell is he doing? Freebasing viagra and coke,
those numbers can't last. But wait there's hope, the bench has Vaughn,
Rowand and Singleton (INSERT OWN JOKE HERE). Where is the power? I like
Catalonotto because he qualifies at 2B, not because he qualifies at OF.
PLAYER TO WATCH: NoooooMaaaaHaaaRRRRRRR. That fucker. And not because I
traded him. He's over the wrist injury and back with a vengence. You just
know that if I'd kept him he would have needed surgery by now. Put 30hr in
the book, easy.
GRAB A BEER WHEN: Batista digs in. If the Orioles didn't have such a
retarded farm system this guy would be flipping burgers right now. That
stance? Give me a break. Released at the end of the year and the O's sign
free agent Rolen to play third---write this down.
DRAFT GRADE: Gentleman's B
This is usually an area in which the Buckos excell. Not so this year but
not bad. Pedro(at the time), Palmeiro, and Bernie were all great picks but
not exactly the bargin bin ($130!). Baez @$17? I like Kapler, good fill in
when Everett goes crazy and kills Rocker in front of his teammates.
Prospects--well that Drew Henson sure can throw a football. Infante? What
was Gary DiSarcina already taken? I guess I can admit that Roberts sucks
now that he's not on my team anymore. Not really up to Bucko standards.
STAY TUNED FOR THE CONTENDERS 2002.
Contenders:
Last Saturday afternoon as I sat in the Fenway bleachers under a beautiful cloudless sky, sipping an ice cold beer, an ugly reality slowly seeped into my brain. The scoreboard on the green monster had zeros across the board for the lowly Devil Rays. Derek Lowe, the pitcher for my beloved Red Sox and the cursed Creepers had pitched a no-hitter for 8 2/3 innings. Lowe was one out away from the first no-hitter in Fenway since 1965. I was about to witness history. Not only was I about to witness a no-hitter, a rare feat, it was by a Red Sox in Fenway, something that no baseball fan of my generation had ever witnessed, let alone in person. Then I heard it, over the PA came the words, "Now batting, right fielder Jason Tyner, right field, Tyner."
That is fantasy baseball in a nutshell. I had just activiated Tyner for the week for an injured Ortiz. The Sox were smoking the Rays 10-0 and Lowe had a no-hitter. But in the back of my mind there was a part, a very small part really, but a part that was hoping that Tyner would put one in the screen. Of course he didn't, Tyner grounded to second and the game was history. God-damn Creepers. It also made me realize that May was fast approaching and I had not completed the Contenders for 02. Thus I present the final four for the 8th season of CARP.
4th Place: The Chelsea Pirates
Keys to Success: Pitching and pitching. Up and down the rotation the Pirates have proven to be a strong blend of proven producers and surprise (or is that fluke) successes. We all knew about Colon and Zito but Suppan and Appier? Even Baldwin and George has shown that decent numbers don't have to cost you much. Plus, is there another team in CARP that gets as much bang for their buck from the pen. Julio looks like the second coming of Benitez, and as long as Yan doen't get traded to a contender as a set up man he will continue to get saves in the rare situation when the Rays have a late inning lead.
Keys to distress: Well the infield is pretty much a disaster area. Blalock will be fine, in 2003, and Thome always heats up with the weather, but the rest is roadkill. Pudge and Young have already gone down with serious injuries. Abernathy and Bush couldn't make the team from "Major League" the movie, let alone a real major league team. Moreover, there is no bench. GM Hirsch deserves credit for dragging the Pirates out of the second division but when his team has a chance to make some noise and he spends his only supp. pick on Joe Torres it makes you wonder if there is a method to the madness or is he just throwing darts at the board?
Player to watch: Hunter. I know that this is a pussy pick since he is already tied for the league lead in HR's, but this pick says he keeps up the pace. He always put up monster numbers in the minors. How bout' 30-30 this year?
Grab a beer when: Salmon pinch hits. There is done, well-done, burnt to a crisp, and then there's Salmon.
Draft Grade: A-
Granted the Pirates draft looked a lot better three weeks ago with their injuries but hindsight is 20-20, unless you're Ian, in which case its more like 25-20. Anyway, the A- comes as much from the small ticket as the big ticket items. Colon for $41 and The Big Skirt for $15 were bargins at the 2002 draft, with inflation run amuk. Julio might end up being the bargin of the draft when we look back from the poolside next year. In addition Hershey picked up Sturtze and Appier for less than $10 combined. Probably a better long term deal than either Wilson at $13 or Baez at $17. The only problem was the Pirates refusing to learn from their past mistakes and continuing to draft "prospects" Crede and Hamilton. Hello? Maybe we can arrange for a bedside sit-down next year between Hirsch and Josh Hamilton, kind of like those scared straight programs they have for kids, except Hirsch could see up close just how tough it is to make the majors lying on your back in a hospital.
3rd Place: The Philly Cheesesteaks
Keys to success: Mussina and an OF than can't continue to suck like a $3 whore for the rest of the season. I apologise to our more sensitive readers for the use of the word "whore" but it is a personal favorite of The Man. I will say it for the fourth staright year, Mussina will win the Cy Young. Wait, I forgot that fat redneck won last year, make that Mussina should win the Cy Young but probably won't because the sportswriters who vote are lazy, slack-jawed, knee jerk front runners. How can an offense that has Ordonez, Ichiero(sp?) and Cruz in the OF not be in first place in a single offensive category? Well, quite simply it can't for long. I mean does anybody here think that Jay Gibbons outhomers Ordonez? Really, please raise your hand I have some land to sell you. Oh, yeah the bullpen in the best in CARP, the regular Odd couple, Sasaki and Urbina, they should make them live together and film it a la "The Osbournes". I'm serious, I'd watch.
Keys to distress: The fact that the Steaks have five starters not named either Mussina or Garcia. We all knew that Satan was going to cash in that policy that Joe Mays took out last year. You know the one that says in exchange for your elbow at some future point I shall grant you a season beyond your wildest dreams, well Joe time to pay up. That leaves Steve Sparks as the ace of the back five which features Loshe, Hiljus, Valdes and Castillo. I'm sure that the Hall is right now placing orders for all their plaques in Cooperstown. Maybe Mr. Welshans has another trade up he sleeve, just bring your drink with you to the bathroom when your at the bar with the Steaks.
Player to watch: Ordonez=MVP. Everybody is jumping on The Man's bandwagon, but I called this back in Feb. Really, watch him go 40-40 just like that guy who used to play for the A's...What was his name?
Grab a beer when: Chris Carpenter ever gets off the DL. That's probably the best place for him. 23ERA and 3.8Whip, are those numbers for real?
Draft grade: C
What is wrong with this picture: Owner goes to draft with $100 to spend. Owner leaves draft with $50 in pocket. Owner cries in beer. Well except for the crying part, lots. Will somebody please tell Mr. Welshans that we are not playing with real money and there is no luxury tax in CARP. After Uggy the Steaks biggest draft acqusition was Ventura for $1. Arthur Rhodes in the bid draft? Make that C-.
2nd Place: The Capitol City Brewers
Keys to success: The best infield in CARP. Maybe the best infield ever assembled in CARP history, with apologies to the 2000 Creepers. ARod is simply the best player in the game right now, and Soriano may be second best by the end of the year. Chavez/Konerko/Giambi might all split MVP votes amongst themselves and Lopez has quitely put together an impressive first month more homers (4) than the CARP MVP (Garciaparra 3) he replaced. The OF is solid if unspectacular. Cameron and Beltran provide a nice balance of power and speed, and Gibbons is on pace to break Maris' record right now.
Keys to distress: Pitching and speed. A month into the season GM LaTour has managed to patch together a staff of emerging prospects and aging veterans which currently rank second in wins and era, and third in whip. Luck? Magic? Skill? Probably a combination of all three. The Brewers best starter is on the DL and looking like he won't repeat his breakout 21 win performance of 01. Moreover, both Rauch and the Space Needle have not stepped up to shoulder the load. Without a truly dominant number 1 starter how long can the Brewers hope to keep pace with the Creepers. How long can Ponson, Wilson, and the Gambler put up decent numbers? Like the song says "you got to know when to fold'em, know when to walk away, know when to run." The Brewers also lack speed outside of Beltran/Soriano. Without another steal threat, Tyner has already been released, the best the Brewers can hope for is a Clemens groin injury (yea!) or second place.
Player to watch: Grieve. The man has been to hell and back. From Rookie of the year in 98 to 11hrs last year. He already has 6 in a lineup in which he could be walked twice a game. Watch him bounce back with 25hr/90rbi.
Grab a beer when: Finley takes the mound. Finley will be much more fun to watch on CourtTV this season than ESPN. Either way he going to get bitch-slapped a lot.
Draft Grade: B+
The Brewers entered the draft needing power and pitching. While they got Konerko for the bargin price of $30 they failed to get a power arm, ending up with Burkett/Wilson for a combined $16 The taxi round has already proven to be a success with Ponson/Rogers/Wilson all contributing early and Morneau raking the ball in AA once the doctors removed the tubes from his stomach.
CARP Champion: The Brighton Creepers
Keys to success: Starting pitching, both quality and depth. No other CARP team can boast of having 5! #1 pitchers. Right now nothing can derail the Creepers pitching except injuries. Not only are the pitchers studs, but with the exception of Weaver, they all play for decent teams which translates into wins. When the OF returns to full strength, watch out. With Juanderful on the DL the Creepers have given the Brewers a running start in the power categories but it won't last. I mean when it comes down to it are you going to take Ramirez/Damon/Gonzalez/Stewart or Beltran/Cameron/Grieve/Gibbons? I am I right or am I right? right? right?
Keys to distress: The corner and the pen. Olerud/Segui/Koskie doesn't scare a whole lot of people except GM Griffiths. Olerud and Koskie are coming off of career years that they will not, repeat, will not duplicate. Segui, after spending years at the Caseco school for stalled careers, has finally perfected the posture, frosted hair and all, of the injured, underachieving roto player. The pen may end up costing or delivering the trophy to the Creepers. Percival is the west coast Urbina. Sucking down Mallox and coffee milkshakes in the pen, you don't know if your getting a 1-2-3 save or walk off HR. Talk about glutton for punishment, Irabu, that fat toad has found a new way to make the Creepers sweat. Its just a shame that Rocker got sent down before he became the closer.
Player to watch: Damon. For all the hype this guy receives he really only had one great year, until this year. Damon and the Sox are the perfect match and his traditional slow start is a memory. Look for 110runs and 40SB.
Grab a beer when: Rondell White wheels himself to the plate. I refuse to believe that this man can stay healthy for an entire season, more so with the Yankees. God just wouldn't be that cruel to do that, would he?
Draft grade: B-
The Creepers had few holes to fill. Eckstein was a steal (no pun intended) and he's been 50/50 on the Hernandez/White gamble. So why the B-, well depth. The only reason the Creepers are not in first is because they spent 7 of 9 taxi picks on prospects. The result: no replacement for Gonzo and Singleton/Winn at DH. Teixeria might have been a good pick for $1, but John FordGriffin and Ken Harvey? Oh right they have already been released. Luckily there are still 4 more supplemental drafts.
2004 Pretenders / Contenders
Hey, its April, I’m a healthy 192lbs, my skin has the healthy sheen of skim milk, I find myself actually watching women’s college basketball and its 38 degrees outside. Who’s ready for some baseball? The Man is back, for real this time, not some bullshit 2 team review, but a full fledged, no-holds barred 8 team, Pretenders/Contenders wrap-up complete with predictions,
>insights and occasional humor. So here we go CARP 2004 our tenth anniversary year. As always you don’t like what I say, print, tack it, get back to me in October. Please no wagering the picks are for recreational purposes only.
8th Place: The Philadelphia Cheesesteaks; 2003 Finish: 6th
Keys to Success:
Very quietly the Steaks have assembled one of the best OF’s in CARP. Sheff, Ordonez, Suzuki are the best 1-2-3 out there. The ‘roids apparently prevent Sheff from feeling any pain in his thumb and although he will not repeat his 03 #’s he is a lock for 30hr and 100rbi batting in the MFY lineup (assuming no injury or grand jury indictment). Gibbons and Matos round out the deepest OF in carp. Nobody pays much attention to Orioles not named Miguel or Javy but Gibbons will put up numbers worthy of a #1 OF in the 4 hole. Not so bad. With all apologies to Mr. Hicks (err Wolfe) the Steaks have the best catchers in the league. Stop it, you say, how can Martinez and LeCroy compete with IRod and Javy? Well
in the first place they are $56 cheaper. The Frenchman just qualifies at C and has a chance at 25hr in a full season. Martinez breaks out in 04 and hits .280 with 65rbi and a handful of hr’s, lets say 12. How’s that better than the Steers, because I said so, shut up and it your veggies, I am the man, end of discussion.
Keys to Distress:
The pitching, oh sweet jesus, the Steaks pitching. Actually to call it pitching insults pitchers of all types, even those who throw like Jerry Seinfeld. Fine I’ll give you Vazquez, no argument. Quick, what do Nate Cornejo, Dan Wright, Chan Ho Park and Grant Balfour have in common? If you said they “SUCK” give yourself a gold star. You know its nice to shop at Wal-Mart to pick up trash bags and batteries but you don’t buy your clothes there, get it. I mean with Leiber on the DL who is the Steaks number 3? Somebody look up the CARP record for worst era/whip in a season, we may have a new record. The Steaks infield is no picnic either. Delgado’s a stud but Guzman, Valentin, Randa? Congratulations you have assembled an all-star infield, from 1999. Konerko, well as a former owner I can say that $15 is a reach. Let’s Go Flyers!
Player to Watch:
Ichi-Ban. Cheesy pick. I mean last year he hit .312 with 111r and 34 sb but he is the pick here because I expect a return to 40+sb and an avg above .330. (Even cheesier add-on, Marte. Koch loses the closer job by May 1 and Marte steps up with 28svs and an era around 2.20, man I’m beating up on the Wolfe here aren’t I?)
Grab a Beer When:
My favorite category. So many to pick, but can’t go wrong with Higginson. Higgy will not be getting jiggy with the bat. Can a 33 yr old coming off a year in which he hit .235/14/52/61 do worse? Of course he can, if we all just believe, we know Higgy can do it!
Draft Grade:
I been doing this for ten years now (well 9 ½ counting last year). People ask me Mr. Man, how can I be like you? “Drink lots of >beer, buy the baseball package and waste the first hour at work surfing the >web”, I say. Mr. Man how can my draft get a D+? Well draft Sheffield for >$40, Konerko for $15 and fill out your roster with crappy $1 players. Hello?? Vazquez prevents the Steaks draft from receiving a F. I’m just starting to repeat myself but Higgy, German and Park for $1 when there was nobody left drafting? WTF! I like Sleeth in the first round taxi but then Rauch, Borchard? Seriously look at a calendar.
Management: C.
The Steaks have been wandering the desert like the lost
tribe of Israel for the past several years (where else can you get analysis
like this for free?). Little direction and no plan. The Steaks have always been afraid to make the big trade to improve their club. At this point it may be moot as it looks like they will be spending their summer just trying to stay out of the basement.
7th Place: The Park Ave. Money; 2003 Finish: 8th Place
Keys to Success:
Where the hell did all the pitching come from? What was once the Achilles heel of this team is now its strength. Mussina, Brown, Radke, Kim is pretty good on any team. Meche and Johnson battle it out for the 5 and 6 spots (not bad for a combined $9) and suddenly Bedard has emerged as the 5th starter in Balt. Yes the Money spent $95 on two pitchers but you can’t take it with you (Pirates take notes). Despite what has been a horrific spring, Foulke is primed to become one of the top two closers in the AL. I’m expecting 40 saves and an era below 3.00. The bench
is deep on B+ and better prospects (Sizemore and Loewen stand out) and with a few good moves the Money may be pushing for the middle of the pack next year.
Keys to Distress:
The OF is not Money and they know it. Nixon was >supposed to supply the power and now he’s out until June and maybe longer. Baldelli and Matsui are nice players, but in CARP OF’s that hit 15hr and drive in 85 don’t win you trophies they give you first picks in supplemental drafts. Ford, Crisp Olderud? I’m starting to fell sick. The honeymoon is over for the Money and now it time to play with the big boys. The infield is a joke, almost every player from Guillen to Speizio (who’s now on the DL) would be at best a bench player on a good CARP team, on the Money well…..at least Noah can spend his long lonely summer night staring wistfully at the
Joe Mauer poster above his bed. Mmmmm…..Mauerific.
Player to Watch:
BK Kim. I know he’s hurt but when he comes back healthy I think he can win 12-15 games with great numbers. A steal at $4.
Grab a Beer When:
Diaz lumbers to the plate in Montreal in front of 400 screaming fans. Of course they will be screaming “Ou est Le Canadians?” Seriously, they hated this guy so much in Tex they gave his job to Gerald Laird.
Draft Grade: B.
"With great power comes great responsibility”—The old guy in Spiderman.
“With a ton of money at the draft comes great scrutiny.”—The Man.
$160 for 10 players, you better get some good guys and the Money did locking up Brown and Mussina. I love Meche and Kim-Chi, Matsui is a reach at $23 but not a bad gamble. Loewen and Bedard were great taxi picks. So why the B? Well you shouldn’t be drafting players for a buck who don’t make the 25 man roster (Ford) and some of the taxi picks were just plain goofy—Maier and Snelling? No thanks.
Management:
This is a tough one. Who is the real Money, the GM who turned Dan Wright into Varitek, Foulke and Bernie or the guy who traded a pick for Scott Shields? The mysterious Money is still something of an unknown quantity. If he sets up his email to filter out messages from the Creepers he’ll have a better chance of improving his grade next year. B-.
6th Place: The Texas Steers; 2003 Finish: 7th
Keys to Success:
Well all I can say is that it better be catcher. The Steers have been managed in recent years like some wicked fat chick tries fad diets. Novel idea, good intentions, usually doesn’t work. We’ve
seen the hoard all the pitching theory, this year it was hoard all the >catchers. With over $142 to spend on 10 players the Steers spent 47% of their cash on IRod and Javy. Now I’m sure that nobody does it better than those two but what about the other 12 hitters? I do like the OF. Schwolfe needed 4 and he got Damon, Guillen, Salmon and White. Not exactly flank steak but not bologna either. Ortiz and Erstad will prove to be two of the better 1b this year, Ortiz because he hits 30hr again and Erstad because the little weasel gets 12 steals while qualifying at 1b.
Keys to Distress:
Starting pitching. After Hudson and Ponson the rest of the Steers SP’s are a rag-tag bunch looking for respect. Escobar has yet to prove that he can withstand a full season and his 3-6 pitch for KC and TB, not exactly a recipe for success. Staying on the female theme, much of the Steers lineup is like a older flight attendant, when you first see her way down the aisle she looks kind of attractive, but when she serves you that third scotch you notice she just some old bag with an inch of makeup on to cover all the unsightly crow’s-feet and wrinkles. That’s Hatteberg and Aurila. Both guys have value on the bench but not in your starting lineup. The Berg has never been a viable option and Aurila is still living of the glory of one good year. Koch is a ticking time bomb. The over under on his first blown save is April 15th and guess where the smart money is? I love Soriano as much as any heterosexual man can, but as long as he continues to be hurt and/or pitch middle relief he’s essentially useless.
Player to Watch:
Ortizzle. After so many years of tempting us (to the point that nobody even drafted him until the middle of last summer) the Tizzle delivers on a full season of .280/32/108/95.
Grab a Beer When:
Jeremy Gonzalez takes the mound. Count me among the non-believers. This guy sucks like a two-dollar whore. Think less than 10 wins and an era around 4.60.
Draft Grade: C+
This is a combo of draft and management. Maybe the Man doesn’t know everything, maybe I haven’t won shit since 99, but if you have $142 to spend, don’t you open a pitcher slot rather than keep Darrell May. Its not just me, is it?. Yeah he got Guillen for $14 (one of the top 5 drafts) he got Damon for $34, fair price, and Blum and Blake are decent value picks. It all comes back to the catcher theory. Maybe IRod and Lopez combine for 60hr but I doubt it. I’d rather have Ramirez, Vlad or Sheff. The Steers taxi round reads like a team in actual contention, Delluci, Donnolly etc. Please see above predicted finish.
Management:
Misunderstood genius or crack-head? Based on the past few years Mr. Wolfe likey the crack. Maybe one of these years he’ll finally hit on the right formula but right now 2001 is looking like kind of a fluke. He has managed to secure a stable of prospects including Morneau, Reed and Blanton and McGowen. Does he hold his cards for next year or make a play? How bout trading for every closer in the AL? I’m being generous B-
5th Place: The Berwick Hogs; 2003 Finish 5th
Keys to Success: The number one reason the Hogs are this high is their starting pitching. Colon and Pinerio are both legitimate #1 SP, but the Hogs managed to snag both Garcia and Redman in the draft. Both sleepers both capable of 15 wins and for only $17. The OF is also better than most. Anderson and Ramirez are both MVP candidates. Look for 75hr and 230rbi combined. Jones and Lofton can still bring it, despite his age Lofton is a lock for 25sb. The Hogs #5 OF hit .317 with 15hrs. While a 1-4SP and OF make a compelling case for 4th lets look at the..
Keys to Distress:
Nothing jumps out right away, then you see it, depth. With the exception of OF (where they need it least) the Hogs have none. Even with a strong 1-4 Garland is still mediocre and Lopez starts the year in the pen. Who do you call? Honel and Durbin? Not a single SP on the bench and Gordon is starting. Not a way to make the bug dogs worried. The middle infield is a wasteland. Vizquel and Reese win lots of Gold Gloves, as soon as that’s a CARP category watch out for the Hogs. Didn’t Hall/Molina look so much better a year ago?
Player to Watch:
Pena. This kid is due and the Man says its time. The power is there now the average comes back. Book .275 24/80/80
Grab a Beer When:
Garland’s turn rolls around. How was this guy ever a prospect? Player A: 4.57/1.42/116K Player B: 4.51/1.37/108K. Who do you like better? Player A is the Gambler B is Garland, nuff said.
Draft Grade: A-
Maybe the best draft of anyone. Decent amount of cash ($118) but he needed 10 players. He gets one of the stud OFs in Ramirez, Pena at DH for $6 and Durazo for the same. Then he gets Colon/Garcia/Redman for $2 less than Schilling. Over/under on wins from that trio is 40. Great draft and the taxi was just about as good. Aubrey >and Durbin and both B+ prospects with upside and close the majors. Gaithright and Callaspo and both good value picks and Cattalanatto and Guiel and good off the bench. Maybe the Hogs can parlay some of that depth into one more SP.
Management: Straight B.
The Hogs recent track record has been marred by bad trades and bad luck. How else do you turn Rocco Baldelli into Manny Ramirez into nothing. No team lost more talent to the NL in the off-season (Milton, Pettitte, Everett, Johnson etc) and that makes the Hogs draft even more impressive. However, this has yet to translate into the standings. The core is there. Only Ramirez and Sweeney look like they won’t be back and if a couple of players pan out and the Hogs make a couple of shrewd trades the Hogs won’t be in the first preview next year. Whether that happens remains to be seen.
Finally, its here. Stop your whining. We are 18 games into the season. That’s 11% for you math whizzes. For those of you a little slower out there, if this were the Boston Marathon you would still have 23.3 miles left to run, if it was a lapdance you would still have $17.80 left of enjoyment from Supergirl, if it was a bag of the chronic you would still have 3.1gms left of the whoodolly doodolly. You get the point. Fact is its April 27 and I’m the Man and your not so sit back and enjoy….bitch.
Welcome everyone to the Contenders 2004. The 10th season of CARP is wide open and three weeks into the season its anybody’s trophy. It looks like we have an exciting season ahead of us filled with thrills, chills, spills, trades and grades. This year we are taking a Game Show approach to the Contenders in honor of everyone’s favorite host Bob “take it bitch” Barker. Mr. Man, there are four contestants left, lets meet them.
From Lawrence, MA, home of the 1984 race riots, it’s the Capitol City Brewers in fourth place.
Game Show: Press Your Luck.
Keys to Success:
No whammies, no whammies! When you think Brewers you think offense. ARod, Belle, Nomar the list of former sluggers is long. But this year if the Brewers make any noise at all it will be because of their pitching. Schilling & Mulder might be the best 1,2 punch in the league. Schilling is a horse, he’ll log 225ip and strike out the same number. Before a hip injury ended his season last year Mulder was a Cy Young candidate, no reason he doesn’t make the run again now that he’s healthy. #3-5 aren’t sexy but their solid, much like Bob Barker after two Viagra and a martini. Wakefield, Lee and Contreas are all capable of 15 wins and 150K. The bullpen is also a strength for the first time in many years. Nathan and Baez are solid closers and if one falters there is a good chance that Spier can pick up the slack. No mention of the Brewers is complete without a mention of the MI. ARod is a golden God and Crosby, while not putting up big #’s this year (think 12hr 70rbi and 15sb) is well on his way to becoming an elite SS in 2 years.
Keys to Distress:
Now catchers are thin in the AL but you need to get some AB’s. Remember the Flahardi from a few years back? Well the Brewers now have the Myhouse. Watch him get 300ab, watch him hit .245, watch him belt 8hr, watch the Brewers finish 4th! There is also a noticible lack of OF power. After trading Giambi and Soriano away the Brewers had to find 80 hr fast. Sanchez, Tino and Lawton? Not going to do it. SB are also going to be a problem. Sanchez is supposed to be the main source but you can’t steal first, you can’t piss in the wind and you can’t keep the Buckos away from the water on draft weekend.
Player to Watch:
Cliff Lee. The real reason for the Soriano/Giambi deal. This may not be the “break out” season but watch Lee post a sub4 era with 150+K and 12 wins on a mediocre Cleveland team.
Grab a Beer when:
Matt Lawton digs in. Yes that Matt Lawton. That’s why I’m the Man and you’re just reading the Man. The road to the CARP trophy is littered with the bodies of players that start hot out of the gate only to fade by mid-summer. What, do you think he back to being a 20-20 guy, please give the Brewers a call.
Draft Grade: A-.
Let’s see, $118 check, need some power, Dye, check, some speed, Sanchez check, stud pitcher, Schilling check, closer, Nathan check, prospects, Young and Hernandez check and check, catcher ahh, somebody get me a beer. The Brewers took a big gamble when the traded away the core of their team just prior to the draft, but it paid off. Not only did they get the best starter and closer at the draft they made nice value picks in Ainsworth and DuBose both of whom will contribute this year. They also arguable grabbed the best hitting and pitching prospects while stocking their bench with players that can step up in the case of injury. Only the catching fiasco and the Rodney pick (2nd round taxi??) prevent this from being an A.
Management Grade: A-.
Right, I know how do you get A- across the board and finish 4th? Well remember where the Brewers are coming from. The 2003 Brewers were the champs…on paper, but the roster looked to be in sad shape after the season ended. Clemens, Colon, Mussina and Ramirez were all released. But in one bold move GM LaTour remade the roster sending
Giambi/Soriano/Rivera/Martinez etc to the Buckos for Mulder/Lee/Crosby. The trade makes the Brewers as dangerous as a Bob Barker dressing room and a force in 05’.
Next, from New York City via the Long Island xpressway, the Chelsea Pirates,
your third place team.
Game Show: Jeopardy.
Keys to Success:
Alex, I’ll take pitching and the corner infield for $500. After what has seen like years wondering in the wilderness, some good trades by the Pirates have finally come to fruition resulting in one of the better rotations in CARP. Zito, CC and Buehrle are all legit #1, with CC ready to break out. CC, an injury risk, has been waiting for the Clev. Team to catch up to his talents. Although his K rate has decreased he has compensated with better control. 18 wins and an era around 3.25 look good this year. Several years and a Cy Young ago Zito looked like the next star on the Oak staff. But there are warning signs. His h/9 have increased and k/9 have decreased noticeably in the past two seasons. Too many IP? Probably, don’t expect a return to his 02#’s anytime soon, but he is solid. Going in the opposite direction is Buehrle who bounced back nicely after a horrid start in 03. Another guy who gives solid numbers (minus the K’s). With apologies to the Buckos, the Pirates now have the best CI in the league. Ortizzle was already written up in the Pretenders and he joins the best 3b in Mookie Blalock and the man you love to hate the Big Skirt. The best CI in the league will put up 110hr 250rbi and score 200runs, not too shabby.
Keys to Distress:
Middle infield, bullpen and depth. The MI is a disaster. Even before Ellis went down with a season ending injury Berroa was being counted on repeating his ROY numbers to make the MI respectfull. Now he’s on the DL and only Julio Lugo is out there. Can the rest of the Pirates O make up for the giant doughnut that is the MI? Not this year. The back of the rotation is also a problem. Yeah I like Riley but in his first full year what is he really going to do? Zambrano just sucks, he lead the league in BB last year and did you notice he plays for TB? Lilly? Please he’s what does he bring to the table but a huge case of heartburn? Harden is gone and that leaves the bullpen…pass the tums. MacDougal is recovering from, strange enough, a stomach virus. Julio scares the shit out of me. Of course I could be wrong but the combination of those two seems a little like gasoline and fire. FRod is a stud but until Percival’s hip finally cracks, the only serious action he’s going to see in going to be in the bars and not on the field. Throw in the fact that the entire Pirates bench consists of Brian Jordan, Danny Patterson and Ken Harvey you can’t really say 2004 is their year. Maybe most improved.
Player to watch:
Hank the Tank. Blalock is ahead of schedule and this year wrestles away the title of best 3b from Chavez. Only playing for the crappy Rangers will keep him out serious consideration for MVP. .290 38hr 120rbi 100r.
Grab a beer when:
sad ass Bernie Williams wheels himself to the plate. I said it at the draft and I repeat, people still think he’s the player he was in 98. He’s not, he’s old, he’s lost at least a step and he’s hurt. Sadly he won’t even give you the +.300 avg that used to be a given. $10 ain’t a bargain when it gets you .270 10hr and 70rbi.
Draft Grade: C+.
It would have been a solid B but get a (-) for not being able to bid on SP when you have $100+ to spend (the Wolfe syndrome) and you get another (-) when you leave the table with $26 to spend. I repeat, Mons Venus does not accept CARP cash. Vlad was the stud of the draft to get and the Pirates get high marks for having the balls to pay for him. Somebody should check but I think $54 has got to be a record for a nonSP. He’ll be great trade bait when the Pirates fall out of contention. Olivo and Palmeiro are both solid value picks for the money. Varitek, ehh $22 seems a little high, you know my position on Bernie. Taxi not so good. Colome and Patterson? Are we trying to draft reserve set up men? I like Sullivan, Lubanski and Rosario but nothing there with high trade value or close to major league ready.
Management Grade: B+
It probably should be higher but thanks to Union college (or maybe CARP) I have suffered a great deal of memory loss in the past few years. The Pirates have been a perennial door mat since they entered the league. The mere fact that they have now graduated to the Contenders and have an outside (albeit small) chance to win the Cup this year should give them an A, right? I mean they have done it the right way, trading the high priced talent for cheap studs, make a few smart trades and then spend the bucks to fill in the gaps. But what happened last week? Poised to make a killer trade to upgrade the offense, the Pirates take their best chip and Harden and do they get an OF or MI? No they get a C and CI, two positions that they were already strong at. Maybe I’m wrong and Lopez and Ortizzle lead the Pirates rag tag group of SP to the title, then again maybe beer will start falling from the sky and the Buckos will make it through a draft weekend without puking every day.
Now comes the hard part. Probably the closest call to make in the past 5 years of CARP. A true battle between the head and the heart. On the one hand, one team seems like this is finally their year, while another, at least on paper, looks poised to repeat and cement its legacy as the ultimate dynasty in CARP history. The lesson, never listen to your heart.
Ladies and Gentlemen, your second place team, The Beltway Buckos:
Game Show: Let’s Make a Deal
Keys to Success:
Behind door number 1 we have…Offense, offense, and more offense. There is nothing subtle about the Buckos gameplan, they are simply going to mash you into submission. The Buckos lead in just about every offensive category and Nomar is on the DL? Its an all-star lineup, Posada, Soriano and Beltran are the best players at their respective positions and its not too bad to have scrubs like Giambi, Glaus and Juan Gone filling in the blanks. Even the third tier type starters like Broussard and Ibanez would be welcome additions to most CARP teams. With Nomar back the MI is the best in the league, the CI can play with anybody and Posada effectively negates any serious advantage that the super C’s on the Pirates might have. The only problem, none of these guys can pitch. The Buckos must surely pine for the days when players like Ruth could pitch a shutout and whack a 3-run dinger in the same game. Who knows, maybe somebody should ask Beltran? At least the Buckos have the best bullpen around. Riske is gone but Rhodes and Rivera form a 1-2 punch good for 75 saves and an era of 2.50. Not too shabby in a league where middle relievers are still starting on most teams.
Keys to Distress:
Everyone has a weakness, an achiellies heel. The Germans foolishly opened a second front with the Russians, that fucker Gump let Pedro in for the 8th, Shakey can’t control himself in the pit when “Careless whisper” by Wham! comes on, and the Buckos can never turn down a free beer or the chance to take a dip in the ocean. They also don’t have enough pitching. Even with the trade for Downtown Kevin Brown and hoping that Loaiza’s deal with the devil doesn’t expire this year, this team just doesn’t have the horses. Come on? Silva, Hentgen, Maroth…the Gambler? That’s a freaking support group not a starting rotation. “Hi, my name’s Kenny and I have a problem with wins, era and whip. Hi Kenny!” Depth is also a problem. The Buckos sent most of their tradable talent to the Brewers right before the draft. At the draft did they pick up some trading chips? Not unless you consider chips to have names like Stanford and Westbrook. The Buckos are “all in”, its just too bad their only holding a full house while the Creepers have a flush.
Player to watch:
Beltran. Boring you say. Well the Man is never boring because not only do I make the picks but I give you the stats. By the end of the season Beltran will put together the best roto season since ARod in 96. .325 38hr 125rbi 130r 40sb.
Grab a beer when:
Edgar comes up. The Grim Reaper has finally found his man. I mean how long did you think the man was going to keep posting 25hr 100rbi seasons. He’s 41 for Christ sake. Watch as his bat slows, he breaks down and finishes with a whimper, .288 16hr 76rbi 55runs.
Draft Grade: B
Solid yet unspectacular. Not much money to spend, so Juan
for 14, Cruz for 6 and Bastita for 6 is impressive. Not so impressive was the previously mentioned taxi. Hill and Shoppach? Wow, those guys couldn’t find the majors with a roadmap. Buchanan gets extra credit for conducting a “home tour” at 3am for our neighbor, who then stole our keg after Buchanan passed out. I swear, can’t we sell “Buchanan at the draft” as a reality show to Fox or something? Its better than “Fear Factor”.
Management Grade: A-.
The Buckos are not shy when it comes to pulling the trigger on a major trade. They are going for it this year and sacrificed a lot of young talent in Mulder, Crosby and Lee to win it all. They have already moved to improve the rotation by picking up Brown and trading away Riske and their best prospect Batista. That brings us to the problem and what may ultimately decide the Cup this year. The Buckos are tapped out, the cubboard is bare. Only Roberts remains as a viable trading option, otherwise the Buckos have to start cannabilizing their roster to improve. Maybe they won’t have to. Maybe with that offense the pitching is just good enough, maybe the Creepers get a big visit from the injury bug this year. Maybe…but I’m betting against it. Why? Well in addition to the fact that I have a compulsive gambling problem, because the Creepers have players to deal. That doesn’t always guarantee a title (trust me I know) but this year I think that the Buckos just fall short.
2004 CARP Champions: The Brighton Creepers
Game Show: The Price is Right, Bitch!
Keys to Success:
Besides Bobby B’s bloody spooge? Pitching, pitching, blah, blah, blah. We are all sick and goddamn tired of watching the Creepers win, but you have to give GM Griffiths credit. Whether by hook or by crook he has managed once again to put together the best staff in CARP. Halladay is just entering his prime. Pedro is well, Pedro. That’s fine for 1 and 2 but the Creepers trot out Santana, Lowe and Moyer at 3-4-5. Every one of those guys can be a potential #1 in CARP. Are there problems? Sure. Pedro could get hurt agin, Santana is not fully recovered from off-season surgery, Moyer is beginning to show his age…but what are the odds of more than one of those scenarios playing out? The SPs almost make you forget how good the OF is. Crawford leads the league in SB and is currently on pace to steal 70. Wells the current CARP MVP will certainly put up similar numbers to last year 30-100 and the Creepers picked up MVP in waiting Ordonez last week. Combined with an infield of Huff, Boone, Tex and Koskie and you start to wonder how can the Creepers lose?
Keys to Distress:
The bullpen. That’s just about it, plus injuries. Percival is still a stud but he could get hurt. The Creepers panicked a bit by trading for Koch. Koch, aka the ticking time bomb, just isn’t going to do it. Can the Creepers win while finishing 7th or 8th in saves? That’s the question. They still might have to make another trade to hold off a late charge by either the Buckos, Pirates or maybe even the Brewers. Injuries also point to depth, where the Creepers are probably a little more thin than they would like to admit. Munson and Davis are the only real players off the bench. He still has Upton, Kotchman and ESantana to trade but now Rios and Crain are gone. On paper it shouldn’t be that close but that’s why they play the games right? A slow start means that the Creepers have some ground to make up there are 142 games left. As the cliché goes, it’s a marathon not a sprint and when the season ends the Man’s betting it will be the Creepers again.
Player to Watch:
You want to know the real reason the Creepers win? Players like Laird. The Creepers picked another winner. This guy goes from backup to starter in between the draft and opening day. I’m convinced. In a league where catchers are at a premium a guy who hits .285 12-70-60 is worth much more than $1.
Grab a beer when:
Gerut’s turn comes up. Somehow this guy managed to hit 20+hr last year despite the fact he sucks and apparently hurt his arm so bad he can’t lift his hand above his shoulder. Like a true idiot he insists on playing through the injury. Wouldn’t want to sacrifice your own glory for the good of the team. Saw him steal a base last week in the 9th with the
Indians down 3, pure Creeper.
Draft grade: Should be NA.
Never has a team had so little to draft so few. Santiago, Laird for $2, A-. Kotsay Bigbie, B+, A Gonzlaez B. DeJesus, B, guess I’m leaning towards a B+. Maybe a B because he kept Lewis on his roster.
Management Grade:
Can you remember the last time the Creepers made a bad move? I mean besides the Koch trade? Right…steady leadership, shrewd trades, astute drafting, can you argue with 4 CARP Cups? Some unnamed owners have complained that the Creepers use some sort of mind control when dealing with other te……these aren’t the droids you are looking for. Sorry, lost my train of thought. The Creepers have clearly made some good trades over the past year. Crawford, Wells, Phelps, Santana and Moyer are all Creepers via trade in the last year. Nobody works harder or emails more than GM Grifftihs. He sent out more emails than websites for penile enlargement last year. But what matters are the results, not necessarily the method. A.
>insights and occasional humor. So here we go CARP 2004 our tenth anniversary year. As always you don’t like what I say, print, tack it, get back to me in October. Please no wagering the picks are for recreational purposes only.
8th Place: The Philadelphia Cheesesteaks; 2003 Finish: 6th
Keys to Success:
Very quietly the Steaks have assembled one of the best OF’s in CARP. Sheff, Ordonez, Suzuki are the best 1-2-3 out there. The ‘roids apparently prevent Sheff from feeling any pain in his thumb and although he will not repeat his 03 #’s he is a lock for 30hr and 100rbi batting in the MFY lineup (assuming no injury or grand jury indictment). Gibbons and Matos round out the deepest OF in carp. Nobody pays much attention to Orioles not named Miguel or Javy but Gibbons will put up numbers worthy of a #1 OF in the 4 hole. Not so bad. With all apologies to Mr. Hicks (err Wolfe) the Steaks have the best catchers in the league. Stop it, you say, how can Martinez and LeCroy compete with IRod and Javy? Well
in the first place they are $56 cheaper. The Frenchman just qualifies at C and has a chance at 25hr in a full season. Martinez breaks out in 04 and hits .280 with 65rbi and a handful of hr’s, lets say 12. How’s that better than the Steers, because I said so, shut up and it your veggies, I am the man, end of discussion.
Keys to Distress:
The pitching, oh sweet jesus, the Steaks pitching. Actually to call it pitching insults pitchers of all types, even those who throw like Jerry Seinfeld. Fine I’ll give you Vazquez, no argument. Quick, what do Nate Cornejo, Dan Wright, Chan Ho Park and Grant Balfour have in common? If you said they “SUCK” give yourself a gold star. You know its nice to shop at Wal-Mart to pick up trash bags and batteries but you don’t buy your clothes there, get it. I mean with Leiber on the DL who is the Steaks number 3? Somebody look up the CARP record for worst era/whip in a season, we may have a new record. The Steaks infield is no picnic either. Delgado’s a stud but Guzman, Valentin, Randa? Congratulations you have assembled an all-star infield, from 1999. Konerko, well as a former owner I can say that $15 is a reach. Let’s Go Flyers!
Player to Watch:
Ichi-Ban. Cheesy pick. I mean last year he hit .312 with 111r and 34 sb but he is the pick here because I expect a return to 40+sb and an avg above .330. (Even cheesier add-on, Marte. Koch loses the closer job by May 1 and Marte steps up with 28svs and an era around 2.20, man I’m beating up on the Wolfe here aren’t I?)
Grab a Beer When:
My favorite category. So many to pick, but can’t go wrong with Higginson. Higgy will not be getting jiggy with the bat. Can a 33 yr old coming off a year in which he hit .235/14/52/61 do worse? Of course he can, if we all just believe, we know Higgy can do it!
Draft Grade:
I been doing this for ten years now (well 9 ½ counting last year). People ask me Mr. Man, how can I be like you? “Drink lots of >beer, buy the baseball package and waste the first hour at work surfing the >web”, I say. Mr. Man how can my draft get a D+? Well draft Sheffield for >$40, Konerko for $15 and fill out your roster with crappy $1 players. Hello?? Vazquez prevents the Steaks draft from receiving a F. I’m just starting to repeat myself but Higgy, German and Park for $1 when there was nobody left drafting? WTF! I like Sleeth in the first round taxi but then Rauch, Borchard? Seriously look at a calendar.
Management: C.
The Steaks have been wandering the desert like the lost
tribe of Israel for the past several years (where else can you get analysis
like this for free?). Little direction and no plan. The Steaks have always been afraid to make the big trade to improve their club. At this point it may be moot as it looks like they will be spending their summer just trying to stay out of the basement.
7th Place: The Park Ave. Money; 2003 Finish: 8th Place
Keys to Success:
Where the hell did all the pitching come from? What was once the Achilles heel of this team is now its strength. Mussina, Brown, Radke, Kim is pretty good on any team. Meche and Johnson battle it out for the 5 and 6 spots (not bad for a combined $9) and suddenly Bedard has emerged as the 5th starter in Balt. Yes the Money spent $95 on two pitchers but you can’t take it with you (Pirates take notes). Despite what has been a horrific spring, Foulke is primed to become one of the top two closers in the AL. I’m expecting 40 saves and an era below 3.00. The bench
is deep on B+ and better prospects (Sizemore and Loewen stand out) and with a few good moves the Money may be pushing for the middle of the pack next year.
Keys to Distress:
The OF is not Money and they know it. Nixon was >supposed to supply the power and now he’s out until June and maybe longer. Baldelli and Matsui are nice players, but in CARP OF’s that hit 15hr and drive in 85 don’t win you trophies they give you first picks in supplemental drafts. Ford, Crisp Olderud? I’m starting to fell sick. The honeymoon is over for the Money and now it time to play with the big boys. The infield is a joke, almost every player from Guillen to Speizio (who’s now on the DL) would be at best a bench player on a good CARP team, on the Money well…..at least Noah can spend his long lonely summer night staring wistfully at the
Joe Mauer poster above his bed. Mmmmm…..Mauerific.
Player to Watch:
BK Kim. I know he’s hurt but when he comes back healthy I think he can win 12-15 games with great numbers. A steal at $4.
Grab a Beer When:
Diaz lumbers to the plate in Montreal in front of 400 screaming fans. Of course they will be screaming “Ou est Le Canadians?” Seriously, they hated this guy so much in Tex they gave his job to Gerald Laird.
Draft Grade: B.
"With great power comes great responsibility”—The old guy in Spiderman.
“With a ton of money at the draft comes great scrutiny.”—The Man.
$160 for 10 players, you better get some good guys and the Money did locking up Brown and Mussina. I love Meche and Kim-Chi, Matsui is a reach at $23 but not a bad gamble. Loewen and Bedard were great taxi picks. So why the B? Well you shouldn’t be drafting players for a buck who don’t make the 25 man roster (Ford) and some of the taxi picks were just plain goofy—Maier and Snelling? No thanks.
Management:
This is a tough one. Who is the real Money, the GM who turned Dan Wright into Varitek, Foulke and Bernie or the guy who traded a pick for Scott Shields? The mysterious Money is still something of an unknown quantity. If he sets up his email to filter out messages from the Creepers he’ll have a better chance of improving his grade next year. B-.
6th Place: The Texas Steers; 2003 Finish: 7th
Keys to Success:
Well all I can say is that it better be catcher. The Steers have been managed in recent years like some wicked fat chick tries fad diets. Novel idea, good intentions, usually doesn’t work. We’ve
seen the hoard all the pitching theory, this year it was hoard all the >catchers. With over $142 to spend on 10 players the Steers spent 47% of their cash on IRod and Javy. Now I’m sure that nobody does it better than those two but what about the other 12 hitters? I do like the OF. Schwolfe needed 4 and he got Damon, Guillen, Salmon and White. Not exactly flank steak but not bologna either. Ortiz and Erstad will prove to be two of the better 1b this year, Ortiz because he hits 30hr again and Erstad because the little weasel gets 12 steals while qualifying at 1b.
Keys to Distress:
Starting pitching. After Hudson and Ponson the rest of the Steers SP’s are a rag-tag bunch looking for respect. Escobar has yet to prove that he can withstand a full season and his 3-6 pitch for KC and TB, not exactly a recipe for success. Staying on the female theme, much of the Steers lineup is like a older flight attendant, when you first see her way down the aisle she looks kind of attractive, but when she serves you that third scotch you notice she just some old bag with an inch of makeup on to cover all the unsightly crow’s-feet and wrinkles. That’s Hatteberg and Aurila. Both guys have value on the bench but not in your starting lineup. The Berg has never been a viable option and Aurila is still living of the glory of one good year. Koch is a ticking time bomb. The over under on his first blown save is April 15th and guess where the smart money is? I love Soriano as much as any heterosexual man can, but as long as he continues to be hurt and/or pitch middle relief he’s essentially useless.
Player to Watch:
Ortizzle. After so many years of tempting us (to the point that nobody even drafted him until the middle of last summer) the Tizzle delivers on a full season of .280/32/108/95.
Grab a Beer When:
Jeremy Gonzalez takes the mound. Count me among the non-believers. This guy sucks like a two-dollar whore. Think less than 10 wins and an era around 4.60.
Draft Grade: C+
This is a combo of draft and management. Maybe the Man doesn’t know everything, maybe I haven’t won shit since 99, but if you have $142 to spend, don’t you open a pitcher slot rather than keep Darrell May. Its not just me, is it?. Yeah he got Guillen for $14 (one of the top 5 drafts) he got Damon for $34, fair price, and Blum and Blake are decent value picks. It all comes back to the catcher theory. Maybe IRod and Lopez combine for 60hr but I doubt it. I’d rather have Ramirez, Vlad or Sheff. The Steers taxi round reads like a team in actual contention, Delluci, Donnolly etc. Please see above predicted finish.
Management:
Misunderstood genius or crack-head? Based on the past few years Mr. Wolfe likey the crack. Maybe one of these years he’ll finally hit on the right formula but right now 2001 is looking like kind of a fluke. He has managed to secure a stable of prospects including Morneau, Reed and Blanton and McGowen. Does he hold his cards for next year or make a play? How bout trading for every closer in the AL? I’m being generous B-
5th Place: The Berwick Hogs; 2003 Finish 5th
Keys to Success: The number one reason the Hogs are this high is their starting pitching. Colon and Pinerio are both legitimate #1 SP, but the Hogs managed to snag both Garcia and Redman in the draft. Both sleepers both capable of 15 wins and for only $17. The OF is also better than most. Anderson and Ramirez are both MVP candidates. Look for 75hr and 230rbi combined. Jones and Lofton can still bring it, despite his age Lofton is a lock for 25sb. The Hogs #5 OF hit .317 with 15hrs. While a 1-4SP and OF make a compelling case for 4th lets look at the..
Keys to Distress:
Nothing jumps out right away, then you see it, depth. With the exception of OF (where they need it least) the Hogs have none. Even with a strong 1-4 Garland is still mediocre and Lopez starts the year in the pen. Who do you call? Honel and Durbin? Not a single SP on the bench and Gordon is starting. Not a way to make the bug dogs worried. The middle infield is a wasteland. Vizquel and Reese win lots of Gold Gloves, as soon as that’s a CARP category watch out for the Hogs. Didn’t Hall/Molina look so much better a year ago?
Player to Watch:
Pena. This kid is due and the Man says its time. The power is there now the average comes back. Book .275 24/80/80
Grab a Beer When:
Garland’s turn rolls around. How was this guy ever a prospect? Player A: 4.57/1.42/116K Player B: 4.51/1.37/108K. Who do you like better? Player A is the Gambler B is Garland, nuff said.
Draft Grade: A-
Maybe the best draft of anyone. Decent amount of cash ($118) but he needed 10 players. He gets one of the stud OFs in Ramirez, Pena at DH for $6 and Durazo for the same. Then he gets Colon/Garcia/Redman for $2 less than Schilling. Over/under on wins from that trio is 40. Great draft and the taxi was just about as good. Aubrey >and Durbin and both B+ prospects with upside and close the majors. Gaithright and Callaspo and both good value picks and Cattalanatto and Guiel and good off the bench. Maybe the Hogs can parlay some of that depth into one more SP.
Management: Straight B.
The Hogs recent track record has been marred by bad trades and bad luck. How else do you turn Rocco Baldelli into Manny Ramirez into nothing. No team lost more talent to the NL in the off-season (Milton, Pettitte, Everett, Johnson etc) and that makes the Hogs draft even more impressive. However, this has yet to translate into the standings. The core is there. Only Ramirez and Sweeney look like they won’t be back and if a couple of players pan out and the Hogs make a couple of shrewd trades the Hogs won’t be in the first preview next year. Whether that happens remains to be seen.
Finally, its here. Stop your whining. We are 18 games into the season. That’s 11% for you math whizzes. For those of you a little slower out there, if this were the Boston Marathon you would still have 23.3 miles left to run, if it was a lapdance you would still have $17.80 left of enjoyment from Supergirl, if it was a bag of the chronic you would still have 3.1gms left of the whoodolly doodolly. You get the point. Fact is its April 27 and I’m the Man and your not so sit back and enjoy….bitch.
Welcome everyone to the Contenders 2004. The 10th season of CARP is wide open and three weeks into the season its anybody’s trophy. It looks like we have an exciting season ahead of us filled with thrills, chills, spills, trades and grades. This year we are taking a Game Show approach to the Contenders in honor of everyone’s favorite host Bob “take it bitch” Barker. Mr. Man, there are four contestants left, lets meet them.
From Lawrence, MA, home of the 1984 race riots, it’s the Capitol City Brewers in fourth place.
Game Show: Press Your Luck.
Keys to Success:
No whammies, no whammies! When you think Brewers you think offense. ARod, Belle, Nomar the list of former sluggers is long. But this year if the Brewers make any noise at all it will be because of their pitching. Schilling & Mulder might be the best 1,2 punch in the league. Schilling is a horse, he’ll log 225ip and strike out the same number. Before a hip injury ended his season last year Mulder was a Cy Young candidate, no reason he doesn’t make the run again now that he’s healthy. #3-5 aren’t sexy but their solid, much like Bob Barker after two Viagra and a martini. Wakefield, Lee and Contreas are all capable of 15 wins and 150K. The bullpen is also a strength for the first time in many years. Nathan and Baez are solid closers and if one falters there is a good chance that Spier can pick up the slack. No mention of the Brewers is complete without a mention of the MI. ARod is a golden God and Crosby, while not putting up big #’s this year (think 12hr 70rbi and 15sb) is well on his way to becoming an elite SS in 2 years.
Keys to Distress:
Now catchers are thin in the AL but you need to get some AB’s. Remember the Flahardi from a few years back? Well the Brewers now have the Myhouse. Watch him get 300ab, watch him hit .245, watch him belt 8hr, watch the Brewers finish 4th! There is also a noticible lack of OF power. After trading Giambi and Soriano away the Brewers had to find 80 hr fast. Sanchez, Tino and Lawton? Not going to do it. SB are also going to be a problem. Sanchez is supposed to be the main source but you can’t steal first, you can’t piss in the wind and you can’t keep the Buckos away from the water on draft weekend.
Player to Watch:
Cliff Lee. The real reason for the Soriano/Giambi deal. This may not be the “break out” season but watch Lee post a sub4 era with 150+K and 12 wins on a mediocre Cleveland team.
Grab a Beer when:
Matt Lawton digs in. Yes that Matt Lawton. That’s why I’m the Man and you’re just reading the Man. The road to the CARP trophy is littered with the bodies of players that start hot out of the gate only to fade by mid-summer. What, do you think he back to being a 20-20 guy, please give the Brewers a call.
Draft Grade: A-.
Let’s see, $118 check, need some power, Dye, check, some speed, Sanchez check, stud pitcher, Schilling check, closer, Nathan check, prospects, Young and Hernandez check and check, catcher ahh, somebody get me a beer. The Brewers took a big gamble when the traded away the core of their team just prior to the draft, but it paid off. Not only did they get the best starter and closer at the draft they made nice value picks in Ainsworth and DuBose both of whom will contribute this year. They also arguable grabbed the best hitting and pitching prospects while stocking their bench with players that can step up in the case of injury. Only the catching fiasco and the Rodney pick (2nd round taxi??) prevent this from being an A.
Management Grade: A-.
Right, I know how do you get A- across the board and finish 4th? Well remember where the Brewers are coming from. The 2003 Brewers were the champs…on paper, but the roster looked to be in sad shape after the season ended. Clemens, Colon, Mussina and Ramirez were all released. But in one bold move GM LaTour remade the roster sending
Giambi/Soriano/Rivera/Martinez etc to the Buckos for Mulder/Lee/Crosby. The trade makes the Brewers as dangerous as a Bob Barker dressing room and a force in 05’.
Next, from New York City via the Long Island xpressway, the Chelsea Pirates,
your third place team.
Game Show: Jeopardy.
Keys to Success:
Alex, I’ll take pitching and the corner infield for $500. After what has seen like years wondering in the wilderness, some good trades by the Pirates have finally come to fruition resulting in one of the better rotations in CARP. Zito, CC and Buehrle are all legit #1, with CC ready to break out. CC, an injury risk, has been waiting for the Clev. Team to catch up to his talents. Although his K rate has decreased he has compensated with better control. 18 wins and an era around 3.25 look good this year. Several years and a Cy Young ago Zito looked like the next star on the Oak staff. But there are warning signs. His h/9 have increased and k/9 have decreased noticeably in the past two seasons. Too many IP? Probably, don’t expect a return to his 02#’s anytime soon, but he is solid. Going in the opposite direction is Buehrle who bounced back nicely after a horrid start in 03. Another guy who gives solid numbers (minus the K’s). With apologies to the Buckos, the Pirates now have the best CI in the league. Ortizzle was already written up in the Pretenders and he joins the best 3b in Mookie Blalock and the man you love to hate the Big Skirt. The best CI in the league will put up 110hr 250rbi and score 200runs, not too shabby.
Keys to Distress:
Middle infield, bullpen and depth. The MI is a disaster. Even before Ellis went down with a season ending injury Berroa was being counted on repeating his ROY numbers to make the MI respectfull. Now he’s on the DL and only Julio Lugo is out there. Can the rest of the Pirates O make up for the giant doughnut that is the MI? Not this year. The back of the rotation is also a problem. Yeah I like Riley but in his first full year what is he really going to do? Zambrano just sucks, he lead the league in BB last year and did you notice he plays for TB? Lilly? Please he’s what does he bring to the table but a huge case of heartburn? Harden is gone and that leaves the bullpen…pass the tums. MacDougal is recovering from, strange enough, a stomach virus. Julio scares the shit out of me. Of course I could be wrong but the combination of those two seems a little like gasoline and fire. FRod is a stud but until Percival’s hip finally cracks, the only serious action he’s going to see in going to be in the bars and not on the field. Throw in the fact that the entire Pirates bench consists of Brian Jordan, Danny Patterson and Ken Harvey you can’t really say 2004 is their year. Maybe most improved.
Player to watch:
Hank the Tank. Blalock is ahead of schedule and this year wrestles away the title of best 3b from Chavez. Only playing for the crappy Rangers will keep him out serious consideration for MVP. .290 38hr 120rbi 100r.
Grab a beer when:
sad ass Bernie Williams wheels himself to the plate. I said it at the draft and I repeat, people still think he’s the player he was in 98. He’s not, he’s old, he’s lost at least a step and he’s hurt. Sadly he won’t even give you the +.300 avg that used to be a given. $10 ain’t a bargain when it gets you .270 10hr and 70rbi.
Draft Grade: C+.
It would have been a solid B but get a (-) for not being able to bid on SP when you have $100+ to spend (the Wolfe syndrome) and you get another (-) when you leave the table with $26 to spend. I repeat, Mons Venus does not accept CARP cash. Vlad was the stud of the draft to get and the Pirates get high marks for having the balls to pay for him. Somebody should check but I think $54 has got to be a record for a nonSP. He’ll be great trade bait when the Pirates fall out of contention. Olivo and Palmeiro are both solid value picks for the money. Varitek, ehh $22 seems a little high, you know my position on Bernie. Taxi not so good. Colome and Patterson? Are we trying to draft reserve set up men? I like Sullivan, Lubanski and Rosario but nothing there with high trade value or close to major league ready.
Management Grade: B+
It probably should be higher but thanks to Union college (or maybe CARP) I have suffered a great deal of memory loss in the past few years. The Pirates have been a perennial door mat since they entered the league. The mere fact that they have now graduated to the Contenders and have an outside (albeit small) chance to win the Cup this year should give them an A, right? I mean they have done it the right way, trading the high priced talent for cheap studs, make a few smart trades and then spend the bucks to fill in the gaps. But what happened last week? Poised to make a killer trade to upgrade the offense, the Pirates take their best chip and Harden and do they get an OF or MI? No they get a C and CI, two positions that they were already strong at. Maybe I’m wrong and Lopez and Ortizzle lead the Pirates rag tag group of SP to the title, then again maybe beer will start falling from the sky and the Buckos will make it through a draft weekend without puking every day.
Now comes the hard part. Probably the closest call to make in the past 5 years of CARP. A true battle between the head and the heart. On the one hand, one team seems like this is finally their year, while another, at least on paper, looks poised to repeat and cement its legacy as the ultimate dynasty in CARP history. The lesson, never listen to your heart.
Ladies and Gentlemen, your second place team, The Beltway Buckos:
Game Show: Let’s Make a Deal
Keys to Success:
Behind door number 1 we have…Offense, offense, and more offense. There is nothing subtle about the Buckos gameplan, they are simply going to mash you into submission. The Buckos lead in just about every offensive category and Nomar is on the DL? Its an all-star lineup, Posada, Soriano and Beltran are the best players at their respective positions and its not too bad to have scrubs like Giambi, Glaus and Juan Gone filling in the blanks. Even the third tier type starters like Broussard and Ibanez would be welcome additions to most CARP teams. With Nomar back the MI is the best in the league, the CI can play with anybody and Posada effectively negates any serious advantage that the super C’s on the Pirates might have. The only problem, none of these guys can pitch. The Buckos must surely pine for the days when players like Ruth could pitch a shutout and whack a 3-run dinger in the same game. Who knows, maybe somebody should ask Beltran? At least the Buckos have the best bullpen around. Riske is gone but Rhodes and Rivera form a 1-2 punch good for 75 saves and an era of 2.50. Not too shabby in a league where middle relievers are still starting on most teams.
Keys to Distress:
Everyone has a weakness, an achiellies heel. The Germans foolishly opened a second front with the Russians, that fucker Gump let Pedro in for the 8th, Shakey can’t control himself in the pit when “Careless whisper” by Wham! comes on, and the Buckos can never turn down a free beer or the chance to take a dip in the ocean. They also don’t have enough pitching. Even with the trade for Downtown Kevin Brown and hoping that Loaiza’s deal with the devil doesn’t expire this year, this team just doesn’t have the horses. Come on? Silva, Hentgen, Maroth…the Gambler? That’s a freaking support group not a starting rotation. “Hi, my name’s Kenny and I have a problem with wins, era and whip. Hi Kenny!” Depth is also a problem. The Buckos sent most of their tradable talent to the Brewers right before the draft. At the draft did they pick up some trading chips? Not unless you consider chips to have names like Stanford and Westbrook. The Buckos are “all in”, its just too bad their only holding a full house while the Creepers have a flush.
Player to watch:
Beltran. Boring you say. Well the Man is never boring because not only do I make the picks but I give you the stats. By the end of the season Beltran will put together the best roto season since ARod in 96. .325 38hr 125rbi 130r 40sb.
Grab a beer when:
Edgar comes up. The Grim Reaper has finally found his man. I mean how long did you think the man was going to keep posting 25hr 100rbi seasons. He’s 41 for Christ sake. Watch as his bat slows, he breaks down and finishes with a whimper, .288 16hr 76rbi 55runs.
Draft Grade: B
Solid yet unspectacular. Not much money to spend, so Juan
for 14, Cruz for 6 and Bastita for 6 is impressive. Not so impressive was the previously mentioned taxi. Hill and Shoppach? Wow, those guys couldn’t find the majors with a roadmap. Buchanan gets extra credit for conducting a “home tour” at 3am for our neighbor, who then stole our keg after Buchanan passed out. I swear, can’t we sell “Buchanan at the draft” as a reality show to Fox or something? Its better than “Fear Factor”.
Management Grade: A-.
The Buckos are not shy when it comes to pulling the trigger on a major trade. They are going for it this year and sacrificed a lot of young talent in Mulder, Crosby and Lee to win it all. They have already moved to improve the rotation by picking up Brown and trading away Riske and their best prospect Batista. That brings us to the problem and what may ultimately decide the Cup this year. The Buckos are tapped out, the cubboard is bare. Only Roberts remains as a viable trading option, otherwise the Buckos have to start cannabilizing their roster to improve. Maybe they won’t have to. Maybe with that offense the pitching is just good enough, maybe the Creepers get a big visit from the injury bug this year. Maybe…but I’m betting against it. Why? Well in addition to the fact that I have a compulsive gambling problem, because the Creepers have players to deal. That doesn’t always guarantee a title (trust me I know) but this year I think that the Buckos just fall short.
2004 CARP Champions: The Brighton Creepers
Game Show: The Price is Right, Bitch!
Keys to Success:
Besides Bobby B’s bloody spooge? Pitching, pitching, blah, blah, blah. We are all sick and goddamn tired of watching the Creepers win, but you have to give GM Griffiths credit. Whether by hook or by crook he has managed once again to put together the best staff in CARP. Halladay is just entering his prime. Pedro is well, Pedro. That’s fine for 1 and 2 but the Creepers trot out Santana, Lowe and Moyer at 3-4-5. Every one of those guys can be a potential #1 in CARP. Are there problems? Sure. Pedro could get hurt agin, Santana is not fully recovered from off-season surgery, Moyer is beginning to show his age…but what are the odds of more than one of those scenarios playing out? The SPs almost make you forget how good the OF is. Crawford leads the league in SB and is currently on pace to steal 70. Wells the current CARP MVP will certainly put up similar numbers to last year 30-100 and the Creepers picked up MVP in waiting Ordonez last week. Combined with an infield of Huff, Boone, Tex and Koskie and you start to wonder how can the Creepers lose?
Keys to Distress:
The bullpen. That’s just about it, plus injuries. Percival is still a stud but he could get hurt. The Creepers panicked a bit by trading for Koch. Koch, aka the ticking time bomb, just isn’t going to do it. Can the Creepers win while finishing 7th or 8th in saves? That’s the question. They still might have to make another trade to hold off a late charge by either the Buckos, Pirates or maybe even the Brewers. Injuries also point to depth, where the Creepers are probably a little more thin than they would like to admit. Munson and Davis are the only real players off the bench. He still has Upton, Kotchman and ESantana to trade but now Rios and Crain are gone. On paper it shouldn’t be that close but that’s why they play the games right? A slow start means that the Creepers have some ground to make up there are 142 games left. As the cliché goes, it’s a marathon not a sprint and when the season ends the Man’s betting it will be the Creepers again.
Player to Watch:
You want to know the real reason the Creepers win? Players like Laird. The Creepers picked another winner. This guy goes from backup to starter in between the draft and opening day. I’m convinced. In a league where catchers are at a premium a guy who hits .285 12-70-60 is worth much more than $1.
Grab a beer when:
Gerut’s turn comes up. Somehow this guy managed to hit 20+hr last year despite the fact he sucks and apparently hurt his arm so bad he can’t lift his hand above his shoulder. Like a true idiot he insists on playing through the injury. Wouldn’t want to sacrifice your own glory for the good of the team. Saw him steal a base last week in the 9th with the
Indians down 3, pure Creeper.
Draft grade: Should be NA.
Never has a team had so little to draft so few. Santiago, Laird for $2, A-. Kotsay Bigbie, B+, A Gonzlaez B. DeJesus, B, guess I’m leaning towards a B+. Maybe a B because he kept Lewis on his roster.
Management Grade:
Can you remember the last time the Creepers made a bad move? I mean besides the Koch trade? Right…steady leadership, shrewd trades, astute drafting, can you argue with 4 CARP Cups? Some unnamed owners have complained that the Creepers use some sort of mind control when dealing with other te……these aren’t the droids you are looking for. Sorry, lost my train of thought. The Creepers have clearly made some good trades over the past year. Crawford, Wells, Phelps, Santana and Moyer are all Creepers via trade in the last year. Nobody works harder or emails more than GM Grifftihs. He sent out more emails than websites for penile enlargement last year. But what matters are the results, not necessarily the method. A.
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