Contenders - 2005

Before all of you get your skirts twisted about the delay, remember this: the following players have been traded since opening day;

Big Unit, Schilling, Harden, Greinke, Colon, Dotel, WMiller, ARod, Manny, Ortiz, VWells, Jeter, Pudge, Morneau, Hidalgo, Sosa, Mench, Finley, Rowand, Swisher, and Crisp(2x).

This means two things; (1) we might be in the midst of the most wide open, the most competitive CARP season ever, and, (2) if the Contenders had come out in mid April before these trades, they would have been useless. Now things have settled down. This is a three (really two) team race and there is still roughly 60% of the season to be played. Only the Man knows who is going to win, and that’s why you wait and bitch and moan. With all apologies to the Hogs, (and none to the Buckos) the Man presents the Contenders, version 2005.

The Durham Warthogs. Predicted finish 4th. Current standings 7th, 37.5pts
What went right?

In summary, not a whole lot. Way back in the Bayou, the Hogs looked like contenders. The pitching looked strong and the offense was good enough to keep them in contention all summer. Bonderman is having his breakout year. The Hogs would not part with the future ace all winter and their patience has been rewarded. On pace for 20w and 170k he’s still not the ace of the staff. That belongs to Garcia. The Man predicted a big falloff for Garcia. Pitching in the AL launching pad that is New Comisky, the Man thought Garcia would revert to his old 4.30/1.40 days when green goo used to leak from his ears. Instead, Garcia is at 3.29/1.11 and teamed with Colon 3.10/1.18 provided a lethal 1-2 Hog punch. Throw in Wake 3.94/1.40 and Chen 3.54/1.24 with a combined 13wins at the break and its clear the Hogs knew what they were doing at the draft.

Manny underperformed in avg., .256, but the power was there 11hr, 43rbi in 203abs. Belliard reupped with Satan (8hr, 35r), Anderson might have been the Hogs best hitter before the trade, .314 49rbi, Mora’s heading to the ASG 14hr, 44rbi and Molina has quietly put up very good numbers .310 6hr, for the fattest man in pro ball.

What went wrong?

Well, the rest of the offense didn’t show up. The Hogs spent $39 for Renteria and Kendall. While it bought them 12sb, it only brought 6hr and 47rbi combined. Kendall not only had zero hr, he also couldn’t hit on the junior circuit (.253?). Rent has had a ok season, but $29? He needs to put up better numbers than .277 and 30rbi hitting 2nd for the best offense in the AL. Some of the other failures were predictable. Bernaby has been gimping around CF all summer and has a giant fork stuck in his back (.254, 3hr), Payton is nothing more than a 4th OF, Pena was sent to the minors after posting .181 in 127ab and Durazo has suffered from an unknown injury that has him out indefinitely.

If the Hogs are looking for somebody to blame, the Man suggests giving Mr. Pinerio a call. What happened to this guy? 2yrs ago he looked like one of the top 5-6 SP in the AL? Is he hurt? Is Schwolfie gay? 5.79/1.52, 48k in 87ip? Maybe he and Takatsu have started their own porn website; Naughtycrappypitchers.com. Do you really think some Japanese import who throws 56mph is going to be your closer? Neither do the Chisox. 5.32/1.52 8svs, Ozzie Guillen just threw up in Ken Williams mouth.

Overall Management grade: B
(Note: grade is based on supp. picks and trades made since the draft and are evaluated on both long/short term success)

Trade #1: Colon(34), Manny(50) for Ortiz(3) and AMiler. Grade A
GM Haskell made the deal in early June. Seeing the writing on the Wall he moved his two studs for a stud and potential ace. Even if Miller never pans out, getting a $6 Ortiz for 06 is a move that might haunt the Pirates for years to come.

Trade #2: Anderson (27), Kendall (10) & Rivas for Stewart (8), Lopez (15) & Danks. Grade B+. Getting more than a six pack for Kendall is a coup. Anderson could have been kept for $34 next year, but getting Danks and Stewart and saving the $25 is a nice move.

Supp. Picks:
JD Martin
WYoung
Fossum Grade: D+

Nothing exciting. Interesting to see who weighs more next year, Molina or Young. Would have been a C, but have to factor in an F for releasing Diamond in the first supp. Guess the Hogs needed Rivas on the roster for that trade?


The Brighton Creepers, Predicted Finish 3rd, Currently tied for 2nd with 49pts.

What went right?

Once again, its all about starting pitching with the Creepers. Halladay (12w 2.33/.935 104k) and Santana (7w 3.74/1.00 140k) have established themselves as the best 2 in the AL. But the depth is the reason the Creepers rank 1st or 2nd in every SP category. Both for big bucks and on the cheap, GM Griffiths was the class of the draft with SP’s. Clement was cheaper than the Unit, Pavano and Mussina but has put up the best numbers by far 9w 3.82/1.28 88k. Garland(3.23/1.12)/Mays(3.84/.133)/Byrd(3.28/1.09) combined for 23wins before Garland was shipped to the Money. Not only are the Creepers leading the SP categories, they are running away with most of them. Right now the staff is on pace for 140wins with a 3.80/1.20 and 1200k. Numbers that may end up ranking the 05 Creepers as the best staff ever in CARP.

Texeira has delivered on his potential and looks like the MVP of the AL (22hr/64/60 328ab). Jeter leads the league in runs (63 as I write this) , Crawford may not steal 60 (he’s on pace for 50) but he’s also looking to reach career highs in rbis and runs. Crazy Carl still doesn’t believe in dinosaurs or “being gay” but something has revived his career in Chi-town. While he might lose some abs to the Big Skirt, it’ll be tough to bench a guy who has 12hr and 49rbi. Alas, not all is good in Creepertown.

What went wrong?

O’ offense, why hast thou forsaken me? The collapse of the once mighty Creeper offense has its seeds at the draft. Drafting Womack/Giambi is a lot like Catholic family planning, just close your eyes and pray. The Creepers quickly soured on both and shipped them off after only 50abs. However, they also gave up on former MVP VWells a little too soon. While Wells way hitting an anemic .214 with 5hr, he has since caught fire with the Money, too late to help the Creepers. Buck and Hall (even after a strong start) have to be considered disappointments. Neither have even 20rbi and Buck’s avg. has hovered around the Mendoza line all year (.224). Could somebody explain to Huff what a contract year is? .255 6hr (obligatory vomit joke).

Now the Man is always a fan of the GM who has the balls to make a trade, shake things up, go for the gusto, (insert favorite cliché here). But too often the Creepers made deals out of desperation this season that ended up blowing up in their face. Once again the Creepers had to scramble for a closer to complement Rivera and the team suffered as a result. To this point the Dotel/Percival monster has yielded 2svs and 12er in only 9.7ip. Ouch, that’s like taking a bubble bath with the Barracuda.

Overall Management Grade: C+

Trade #1: Giambi(11) & Womack(1) for Rowand (3) & Ginter. Grade: A

Again, getting anything for those two stiffs is a plus. Creepers get extra credit for realizing back in April that they sucked more than a NO lap dance. Rowand has underperformed but .293 38runs 10sb in 256abs ain’t bad.

Trade #2: Crisp (2), ESantana & Bautista for Dotel(26), Adams and Sleeth. Grade: F

Griffiths doesn’t need a boot bucket for this trade, he needs a boot bucket brigade, a whole team of handlers hauling away the vomit as it spews from his mouth and nose simultaneously. Santana slots into the LA rotation next year and Crisp has been steady. Dotel blew back to back saves with walk-off HRs, and then demanded to have TJ surgery. Sleeth is out for the year with TJ and Adams is batting .235.

Trade #3: Wells(10), Ginter, HRamirez & Kinsler for Sosa(34), El Puque(3), Tino and Ledezma. Grade: G, as in less than an F.

Not sure what happened here. Is it worse that the Creepers moved an MVP and two good prospects for 3 35yr olds or that at the time the best of the old guys was Tino? As a public service, I won’t print Wells stats since the trade. But for fun Tino is .127 1hr 5rbi and El Puque had 2wins to go with his 7.56/1.56. Mmmm, that’s good eating.

Trade #4: Garland(3) for Percival(26)

The last gasp of a desperate GM? After the Dotel disaster, Griffiths needed a closer. I don’t know if Perciaval qualifies, but the Man is not a believer in Garland. In the long run this might be a wash for both teams. Grade: NA

Trade #5: Jeter(45), Ledezma & Synder for Berroa, Verlander, Barton, 2picks (including a #1), a bag of dope, a case of beer, and the rights to the Pirates first born son. Grade: A

It’s a white flag trade, but what a white flag it was. The Creepers give a stud SS but get back 2 stud prospects and 2 picks and a SS? (More on this in the Pirate summary). GM Hirsch should call the rape crisis center immediately. As bad as this trade looks now in a year it will be a full blown catastrophe for the Pirates.

Supp. picks:
ASanchez
Papelbon
FCabrera Grade: B

Sanchez dominated A ball and was just promoted to AA. Has ace potential. Both Papelbon and Cabrera are solid prospects.

With due respect to the Creepers (and to a lesser extent the Buckos), CARP 05 has evolved into a two horse race between the Pirates and the Bees (still the worst name in recent CARP history). Its young v. old, Clubber Lang v. Rocky, paper v. plastic, beer v. wine, U.S.A. v. U.S.S.R. Gentlemen, the Contenders:

The Baltimore Bees; Current standing, Tied for 2nd, 49pts.

What went right?

The Bees have become the Yankees of CARP, without all the world titles. GM Wolfe will pay whatever he has to, trade whoever he wants and try to rape and pillage his way to the CARP Cup. The results thus far; decidedly mixed.

The Bees have the best offense in CARP. ARod and Sexson have already combined for 36hr and 120rbi. DYoung has slumped ever since his opening day 3hr barrage, but 13hr for your CI is nothing to sneeze at. Tejada continues to lay claim to the best SS in the AL since ARod went to third. He’s on pace to match ARod’s numbers, scary. While the steals are down (8), Damon continues to have a career year hitting .341 and scoring 60. Those are the big names, the ones you almost expect to put up the numbers. But the Bees have guys who normally suck, guys you wouldn’t take in the taxi, having not only good but great years. Things like that win you the Cup. Things like Kennedy (.347 23runs 7sb 176ab) and a freakin 3b playing catcher (.294 35 rbi 46runs).

The bullpen doesn’t get the headlines, but they get the job done. Both Wickman and Cordero have 19svs. Robertson (3.87) and Lackey (3.77 86k) have been remarkably consistent for the average SPs that they are, and Drese has discovered how to pitch again in the NL.

What went wrong?

Injuries. Unit, Schilling, Lopez, Affeldt. All key players that have missed time with various injuries. On paper this is the best team in CARP. Of course the 03 Brewers will be happy to have you over to the house to look at the trophy they got for “best team on paper”. Really, the problem is pitching. With Schilling/Unit how can a team be this bad? Well, b/c Cabrera sucks. He has always sucked. The Man said he sucked last year, look at his BB/K. You can’t be a major league pitcher and have a ratio of 45/85. That just leads to 5.07/1.40. Yeah the Ks are nice but the Bees have 3pts total in era/whip. Maybe some of this is Bee management, maybe some of it is bad luck, but look at Drese’s stats: Act. 7.20/1.86 Resv. 2.02/.925? Seriously I’m not making that up.

Has the wheeling and dealing stopped? Do the Bees have the horses to overtake the Pirates who have built a slim 8pt lead? That may be up to management. Does Wolfe, the wiley veteran have what it takes to bring the Cup to Charm City for the first time and Wolfe’s second title since the infamous Tampa Wyndam Plaza deal of 2001? Let’s look at his track record.

Overall management Grade: C

Trade #1: Morneau(6), Bartlett(1) & Crain(5) for ARod (63), Shields(1) and Papelbon. Grade: A-

The Bees were first out of the trade box, pulling the deal for ARod on April 12, less than one week into the season. ARod has been the stud he wasn’t in 04. Morneau has quietly underperformed since the trade. Strangely enough the worst part may have been Crain for Shields as Crain now has 8 wins!

Trade #2: Rowand and Ginter for Giambi and Womack. Grade: D

See above. Giambi hit 2 HRs today, to double his season total with the Bees, nuff said.

Trade #3: Harden(8), Greinke (3), Mench(6) & McGowen and a pick for Unit(72!), Schilling(53), Finley(22), White(1) and Gonzo(1). Grade: D+

The blockbuster that quickly fizzled. Schilling and Harden went on the DL almost simultaneously. The Unit had not been the Unit (4.35/1.35 60k 72ip) and Greinke just sucks giant man meat (1w, 7.00era). Gonzo and Finley are both on the DL and while White has been steady (.293 5hr), Mench is on a 40hr pace for the Brewers since the trade. Not good times for the Bees.

Trade #4: Stewart, Lopez & Danks for Anderson, Kendall and Rivas. Grade: B-

Anderson is certainly an upgrade over Stewart and I guess that anything is better than taking a doughnut at C. By the end of the season this trade could be an A or a D, just too early to tell.

Supp. picks.
Sisco
Logan
Hollins
Grade: C

Logan has provided 14sb. Sisco would be better off not playing (6.00/2.44) and Hollins is just a waste of a pick (.226 1hr). Seriously, if you can’t think of somebody to take, give the Man a call, I’m more than happy to take your pick.

The Chelsea Pirates, Current standing 1st, 57pts.

The new kid on the block, well “new” like the retarded 16yr old kid who transferred to your jr. high growing up. The Pirates stand in first at the halfway point. They have shown no fear to bring in big name high priced talent. Is it enough?

What went right?

Quietly, GM Hirsch has put together the most balanced team in the league. The Pirates are first in only 1 category (SB), but they are not lower that 4th in six others. The C’s rank as the best in the league. Tek leads all at the pos. with 13hr and AJ “aka the Prick” has almost matched the all-star’s totals (11hr 31rbi). Until the break up, Ortizzle and Blalock made a cute couple at the corner. 28hr and 96rbi will do that. It should be noted that with the exception of recent import Manny and Tek, not a single Pirate will be at the ASG. Not good if you want that case of beer, but look closely and you see that the Pirate engine is oiled with the greasy sweat of such comeback kids as Dye (17hr), Hunter (14hr 51rbi 51r 19sb) and Thirsty (.287 50r).

The pitching staff is equally surprising. Sure the Buehrle might get the ASG start (10w 2.58/1.10) but the rest will be at home with Hirsch watching the game on tv. Like the Pirate OF, the SP is the return of the living dead in full Technicolor. Jason Johnson? (2.88/1.19) Zito (4.07/1.24 79k) and the Moose (8w 4.06/130 75k)? Who hooked these guys up to the juvenation machine? (Sounds like a bad seventies cop show; Johnson, Zito and the Moose. They should ride around the country in an RV solving crimes, not pitching the Pirates to the pennant.) Never mind the fact that the studs FRod (15svs 2.43) and Colon (2.97/.96) have been exactly as advertised. When your worst pitcher is Lilly (and Hirsch has some Schwoflie issues here; Act. 7.03/1.625 Resv. 1.59/1.235) then you are poised to make a serious run at the Cup.

Overall management grade: C-

Trade #1: Swisher(3), Miller(9) & BAnderson for Hidalgo(26), Crisp(2). Grade: D

Patience is a virtue, however it don’t make you smart. Waiting until Memorial day to pull the trigger didn’t help. Hidalgo (.186 3hr 6rbi) has been a disaster. Crisp is fine and Miller had regressed, but Swisher now looks like the best player in the deal.

Trade #2: Ortiz(3) & AMiller for Colon(34) & Manny(50). Grade: A

The Man didn’t like it at first but Colon has been huge and Manny has outproduced Ortiz 9/27 to 6/22. Gutsy trade.

Trade #3: Berroa(4), Verlander & Barton & 2picks for Jeter(45), Synder & Ledezma. Grade: D

The Man no rikey. Does Hirsch know he has a bench player hitting .283 8/27/28? I know Berroa sucks and Hell, Jeter is damn good, but your two best prospects PLUS 2 picks to rent Jeter when you have Peralta on the bench? Not a good sign.

Supp. Picks
Gomes
Verlander
Snelling
Grade: B+ (would have been A- but the Verlander trade knocks it down a third)

So, given the Man’s uncanny ability to predict the winner, who takes home the Cup in 05? Is it the gay Bees of Baltimore town, led by the aging veterans or the gay Pirates of the Bowery with their subtle blend of pitching and power. The Man sees an ending not unlike the Classic Rocky II. You know, in cheesy slow-motion both Rocky and Apollo Creed connect, simultaneously, with right crosses to the jaw, knocking each to the canvas. First one to their feet takes the title. Every stat and every objective analysis point to the Pirates. They have a lead, the pitching and the depth to take the whole thing. But something in my gut says this is the Bee’s year. Something says that the Big Unit, and Schill come back strong and push the bastard Bees over the top in late September. That’s what the Man says. But hey, I have been wrong. I just wouldn’t bet on it.