Pretenders 2005

The Pretenders 2005

Well the grass is greener, the beer is colder and the Celtics are about to start making tees times….it must be time for the Pretenders/Contenders. People bitch every year, “Where are the Pretenders?” “What the hell is taking so long?” “You said I wouldn’t go to jail!” I’m sick of it. Every year I provide a humorous and insightful look into the coming CARP year and what do I ask for in return? Nothing. And does anyone appreciate it? Does anyone say nice job, I enjoyed it, it made me laugh? No its always “Why was my draft grade so low?” “Stop pimping your own prospects for trades”. Well some day I’ll be dead, if we go back to NO for the draft that might be as soon as next year. And then what? I’ll tell you, you’re going to have to read about Wolfie’s crockpot, Al and the fucking Kansas Jayhawks. So start showing me some respect.

Anyway, each year I struggle to come up with some theme for the predictions. Trust me its harder than you think. Will all apologies to Bill Simmons, the 05 Pretenders will be an homage to perhaps the greatest sports movie of all time, Caddyshack. I know its golf, but screw it. Each team will have a quote from the movie which best exemplifies their 05 season.

Remember, don’t like what I say, think I’m full of shit? Each year I invite everyone to keep the Pretenders (actually now Wolfe has posted them) and check back with me in October. I stand by my record, for better or worse. Remember, these picks are for recreational purposes only, please no wagering.

8th Place: The Park Avenue Money, aka The Also-Rans

Judge Smailes: Say, I’m having a little party at the yacht club this Sunday. I christening my new sloop. What are you doing?

Danny: No plans.

Judge: Great! How would you like to mow my lawn?

Keys to success: Well, I guess unlimited patience doesn’t count? While the rest of CARP battles for the cup, the Money are mowing lawns. Its not that bad, but its not good. The OF will be pretty good…in 2006. Seriously, Sosa was a nice grab. I think he bounces back to hit 30hr. Throw in Matsui, or Shemp, as he is affectionately known in my house, and Ford, and the Money have a tri-fecta of 30hr guys. When Baldelli returns some time in the summer, he and Sizemore provide a nice power speed package. My mother taught me not to say anything if you couldn’t say something nice, so I’ll ignore the rest of the hitters. The Money pitching is like a $40 lapdance (commonplace in NOLA), at first you hesitate, but once your upstairs you might as well enjoy the ride. It is devoid of stars, but Radke, Haren, Arroyo and Bedard are solid era and whip guys. Foulke and Percival are higher class talent and come with the respective price tags. Overall, you might leave the Money pen a little light in the wallet, but you’ll have a smile on your face.

Keys to distress: Well the offense is bad, real bad. Bad like cringe bad, bad like last in every category bad. I know the OF doesn’t suck, but Baldelli is on the DL, meaning that Sanchex and Harris start. One’s on roids and the other should get the dealer’s number. The infield has some bright spots, Morneau, Guillen, Mauer, but for each of them there are two Olivos or Teahens. The good news is the Money will have all summer to stock pile first round supplemental picks for that Championship run coming in 2009.

Player to watch: Bedard. The best pitcher most people don’t pay attention to. He’s the ace the O’s by Sept. Look for an era around 4.00 and 12+wins.

Grab a beer when: El Puque. Is he 40? 45? He’s not Clemens or Johnson, that’s for sure. Over/under on DL trips 2, take the over.

Draft Grade: B+. Wow I must have been fucked up at the draft, I don’t remember the Money doing this well. G$ had money to spend and he spent it well. He got a stud for big money ARod, shopped around a bit in the mid-range, Sosa 34, Percival 26, and got a steal with Haren at 12. I even like Phelps and Olivo although, thus far they are disappointing. Its not a A, why? Because the taxi round counts. Tino? Why? Whats the point, especially after you just drafted Dan Johnson. Penn and Street are nice picks but they can’t make up for the Quirozs of this taxi round.

Management grade: C. And that might be generous. You only get a pass for being the new kid for so long. This is the Money’s third year in the league and the progress is incremental. Last with 29pts. Last in four offensive categories. Hey, there have been good moves. Draft and trade of ARod brought Morneau. I think Haren was a steal at $12 and Arroyo and Bedard will soon provide anchors of the rotation. With these building blocks the Money don’t have excuses to be the doormat of the league anymore.

7th Place: The Philadelphia Cheesesteaks, aka The Barracudas

Carl: If you ever wanna rap, you know, just talk or get weird with somebody, you know, buddies for life.

Ty: I’ll drop by and you drop by my place anytime.

Carl: You got a pool over there?

Ty: We have a pond in the back, and a pool. Pond would be good for you.

Keys to Success: Definitely not the name. The Bees have the worst name in the league but Cheesesteaks is a close second. If the Steaks finish last, the Commish reserves the right to rename them the Barracudas. Nice combo of power and speed. Konerko, Matinez and Beltre can mash. Martinez is off to a horrible start (2hr 8rbi) but he’ll finish with the best numbers of any C. Look for 30hr and 120rbi. Same with Beltre. The steals will be there. Ichiro has 8 already, his twin, the Donger (Iguchi) has three and will finish with 20+. Once Rios and Reed get going (4 combined) the Steaks will finish near the top in SB. After that there’s not much. I mean we are talking about the 7th place team. All right, Kazmir, Blanton, Washburn will make a nice 1-3 soon. I’m just not sure if that in 2005.

Keys to Distress: Well if we ever go to war with Japan, the Steaks are in trouble. Plus their pitching kind of sucks. Noting the 3 above, the Steaks have 7 wins from 9 SP thus far. If Park can’t keep it in drive during the summer, he’s going to be sucking lots of Wang. (Name another publication where you get this type of insight and comedy.) Hermanson is not a true closer…yet, and Dotel will be wearing another uniform come July. Gonzalez has been banished to AAA and the combo of Nix/Hidalgo have combined for 2hr 10rbi 10r…not good. The bench is weaker than a sober Wolfe and it looks like another long summer of unreturned emails by the Steaks front office.

Player to watch: Rios. The kid is hitting .319 with 17r. The power will come. Final numbers .300+ 12hr 90r 20sb.

Grab a Beer When: Gibbons come up. Despite playing in the loaded Balt. Offense the Big Jay will not earn his $12 this year. Good thing the Steaks cheated to keep him. The Man say .255 16hr 65rbi and a DL stay.

Draft Grade: [C+] The good: Beltre $32, Dotel $26, Iguchi $12, the bad Millwood $8, and the ugly, Hidalgo $26. Once again the Steaks left money on the table. The taxi was more ex-Steak gay love for Sleeth and McClung. Meyer, Rosario and League were all solid picks. []

Management Grade: [] Steak management is kind of an oxymoron. The team is just plug and play. Sure they make a deal here and there but nothing seems to change year to year. Cue up the past couple of drafts and you’ll see what I mean.

6th Place: The Beltway Buckos, aka The House of Cards

Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean he’s been the club champion for three years running, and I’m no slouch myself.

Ty: Don’t sell yourself short Judge. You’re a tremendous slouch.

Keys to Success: Sobriety and Vlad the Impaler. Along with another guy who can mash when then cream and the clear are working, Sheffield. These guys have already combined for 10hr and 42rbi in the first month! Of course that pales in comparison to CARP wunderkind Roberts. Roberts, who once had to back up Jerry Hairston, was AL and CARP player of the month, hitting .372 8/27/24/12. Insane. The MI is strong, flanked by Soriano and Cabrera. All told, the Bucko offense might be among the best in the league and with those names you wouldn’t be surprised. You might be surprised to find the best bullpen though. Ryan the fireballing lefty has 23k in 14ip! Bautista is 8/9 in save chances. Solid. However, this begs the question? Why 6th then?

Keys to Distress: I’m glad you asked. Mr. Buchanan how is your bucket doing? Is it full yet? Do you need a change? If you didn’t know, the Buckos have to wear a boot bucket strapped to their face when any of the SP is on the mound, otherwise his wife gets pissed when the vomit gets in the carpet during BB tonight. Pick your puke, Rogers, Brown, Towers? Pavano is the ace? Wells on the DL. No W’s and no K’s, its just a matter of time before this staff implodes. The Buckos are first or second in every offensive category and that’s with flotsam like Zaun and Hinske playing out of their heads. Have you seen the CI? Boone has 4hr batting .122. SLG pct. is not a category last time I checked. Unless Roberts wins the MLB MVP this offense can’t carry this lame excuse for a pitching staff. Come summer, the Buckos will have plenty of free time to cruise the seas in the Stabin Cabin.

Player to Watch: Somehow appropriate that the Buckos pick to click should be a guy named B.J. Ryan emerges as a top 3 closer. 40+ saves and 100+k, ouch.

Grab a Beer When: Time to fold them for the Gambler. Hey, I know the stats. 2.11era/1.27whip, but thats why I’m the Man and your not. Final stats 4.85era/1.47whip. That means he in for some ugly months, enjoy.

Draft Grade: B+/ would be higher except Buchanan whines every year about his grade, despite the fact he consistently scores well. When you have $180 to spend at the draft, you get graded differently than others. Did you get some studs? Vlad and Sheff, check. Did you leave money on the table, no, check. Did you fill out your roster with decent mid-level guys? Well for every Crede there is a Boone, for every Brown a, wait, Brown sucks. Wells is looking like money down the drain. Taxi? Dellucci, Cattalanto, Franklin? I guess Andres “Big Cat” Gallaraga and Bud Black weren’t available.

Management Grade: Considering his draft grades and the Buckos recent finishes, including 6th this year what do you expect? C. Buchanan is always willing to make the big trade. Sometimes it’s a swing and a miss, sometimes it’s a HR. At least he has the balls to try, unlike other owners in CARP. The problem, Buchanan raging alcohol problem. Constantly drunk, the Buckos GM’s mode changes unpredictably between the angry/bitter variety and the party GM. See CARP drafts circa 2000, 2002, 2003 etc. The 05 Buckos are a house of cards currently in first based upon the hot starts of players like Roberts (.370, 10hr, 30rbi, 29r, 12sb) and Zaun (3hr, 20rbi). Once these players come back to earth, and they will, it remains to be seen if Buchanan can bail fast enough on the SS Bucko.

5th Place: The Capitol City Brewers, aka The Uninvited

Al Czervik: I can’t belive it. I playing the worst round of my life.

Ty: You’re not, you’re not good Al. You stink

Keys to Success: Despite trading RJ and Schill early in the season, the Brewers pitching looks formidable. Harden, Escobar, Lee and Grienke are a dominant 1-4, except in the W department. Unfortunate as that is a scoring category. There is depth though. Contreras is looking to rebound from his NY days (3.18era) and Maroth has outperformed expectations thus far and will end up a very serviceable 6/7 starter (3.83era 1.18whip). job now that Percival is down, again. Rincon, assuming he doesn’t pull a Giambi once he’s off the juice, and Burgos make the RP core of the Brewers the deepest, if not the best of CARP. On the offensive side, things are, well, offensive. Chavez, Pudge, Hafner and Crosby are all studs at their positions. Problem is Crosby’s current position is “indefinite dl” whatever the hell that is, and Chavez’s current #’s are .195 2/10/10. Read those again and remember its May.

Keys to Distress: God does the OF suck. Right now the Brewers start Mench, Monroe, Stairs, Matos and DeJesus. None of them rank any higher than a #3 on any CARP team and Matos is on the DL for 4-6 weeks. The Brewers offense, once the envy of CARP, has become a laughingstock. Ranking 8th, 7th or 6th in every offensive category except SB makes you a pretender. The stench is not confined to the OF. Barajas and Bellhorn are walking billboards for the “one year wonder” phenomenon. Barring a MAJOR trade, always a possibility, this is an offense that might end up ranking amongst the worst in CARP history.

Player to watch: Grienke. Yeah he looks like just came from a Neverland Ranch slumber party, yeah he’ll probably win 9 games with that putrid KC offense, but the kid can pitch. Final #’s 9-14, 3.55era/1.22 whip, 150k.

Grab a beer when: Mr. Viagra tries to get it up to the plate. I need to check the CARP blog if I’ve used that joke before. Seriously, Palmeiro is toast. I should have just crumpled up a dollar and shoved it up my arse while in the hot tub.

Draft Grade: D, and that’s generous. Only one year removed from a near perfect draft, GM LaTour shat the bed in 05. Maybe it was NOLA, maybe it was the reefer, maybe it was the god damn 6th grade marching band playing all afternoon. Whatever the reason, a complete disaster, started by drafting the Unit for $72. Somehow I thought that I could fill my roster with neat little $1 guys who hit 25hr. This is what I got: Finley $22, Barajas $2, Palmeiro $1, Gonzalez $1. Don’t forget about Lima and Bell in the Taxi. The only players that prevent this steaming pile of crap from earning an F were Hillenbrand ($1 thank you), Urbina $1 and Neimann $1. Next year Vegas.

Management Grade: A-. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well, when you draft crap what are you supposed to do? Make a crap sandwhich? No. You make a deal like the Brewers and turn $147 worth of Schillin/Unit/Finley into $20 worth of Harden/Griekne/Mench. Don’t be deceived by the #5th ranking here, the Brewers are always a dangerous team with a sober GM LaTour around (cue ominous music). However, the next month will determine if there is any real run at the CARP Cup or if the Brewers are retooling for 06.